☑ fallon44
Mental Breakdown Reviews ★ (╥﹏╥) ★ ☰ ARCHIVES[CONTENTID2]Cinq[/CONTENTID2]
[CONTENTID3]
Story Title: Cinq
Author: fallon44
Main Characters: Kai and Krystal
Genre: Angst, Romance
Status: On-going
Description of Story: Cinq is about Kim Jongin who seemed to be just a normal guy to people and to his girlfriend, Krystal. But he actually has a lot of secret: one of those is having DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) which he have kept for a long time. He has five alters.
CRITIQUE:
Story Title: 5/5
Cinq. Five. A good, unique choice you’ve made there using a French word. From the description you’ve send to us, I can see that the title it’s very relevant to the story, yet holds mystery behind. Good job!
Graphics: 0/0
No graphic, no points. It’s the best if you can get a poster and background for your story. This way you’ll gather many readers who will possibly find interest in your story though it.
Description and Foreword: 4/10
Um... Where is the description? You could’ve used the description you’ve send to us and put it there. Instead, you put one sentence that, although it’s relevant to the story, it’s way too boring, plain and simple. The section is blank, it has no special meaning and it brings no curiosity to those who click on your interesting title.
The description it’s like the incipit (Latin word meaning “it/here begins”) and it’s defined as an opening text, poem for a book (and this is not the case, but a song). When you read a book, don’t you see the incipit page with a message, or a preview, or some words written by the author, but very relevant to the story? Well, your book is online and it needs to have that incipit too.
You have no foreword whatsoever, and what you have there it’s the author note, and that’s all. No characters’ small description (of course, this is optional, only if you want), or whatever comes to your mind. You can also use this section as a preface, an introduction on how you came with the idea, what inspired you, and things that require your readers to pay more attention to. Here, you can also add credits (for PS or BG), and specify that your story it’s an entry to a contest.
Characterization: 5/10
There’s nothing to say on Krystal, you’ve focused on Kai, and I’m confused. Are those people living inside of Kai, or there are outside of him (uh.. that sounds weird when I say it)? From what I know from my psychology class, dissociative identity disorder is a condition in which two or more distinct identities take control and are present in someone, so I will go with the first option – everything it’s from inside of him. You didn’t make out that clear thus resulting in confusing your readers and everyone around.
What I understood is that Kai dislikes suffering from DID but doesn’t fight it, letting it take control of him. Tao, one of his personalities, it’s the brutal side of him (as read in Chapter Four) and the scissors are his personalized, let’s say, object, and for the other personalities, we know nothing. We’ve seen those italicized dialogues between unknown sources but that’s all. I understand that the story has a long way to go, so please, make sure you describe Kai’s personality(ies) the best.
Plot: 20/40
I can see what you’re trying to do. Cinq is supposed to be a psychological (main, I suppose) story, dusted with thriller, romance and angst. Well, the main genre doesn’t seem to cover everything and romance towers. One of the ways that will make your work a psychological story is to concentrate on details – you are not. You have a lot of dialogue (which is of course permitted) and little to no explication.
Details, details, details! I could name you a few good physiological stories, if you PM me, and see how those authors focused on details rather than the actual interaction between characters.
You asked if I could review all of your chapters, one by one. Honestly, when I received the request from dear Sherry, I remained kind of speechless on that, but as read your story, I realized that would be easy, taking in consideration how short are the ch
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