Calling for pegase2311

"Someone Call The Doctor(s)"

Author: pegase2311

Main Characters: Gong Minzy, Jessica Jung, Im Yoona, Choi Sooyoung, Krystal Jung, Sandara Park, Yoon Bora, Park Sanghyun, Xi Luhan, Zhang Yixing, Jung Yunho, Huang Zitao, Kris Wu, Kevin Woo

Genre: Crack, Drama, Fluff and Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Welcome to Seoul National University Hospital!
the best possible medical care is providing to all.
it is where the all the young and elite train to become doctors of the next generation.
This is a love story about eight different girls who fallen in love with eight different doctors
all the doctors has five things in common;
handsome ▬ young ▬ talented ▬ rich ▬ and works at Seoul National University Hospital
But this journey not about the doctors, is about the girls.
the girls will trapped into the little thing called, love.

Disclaimer:
I will be honest here. I had a hard time with reviewing this particular request. I wasn't aware that they were merely oneshots. I thought that this was a chaptered story, but it seemed more of a collection of oneshots for me. Anyways, I reviewed each chapter, though I made them as short as possible since elaborating them too much would take up a lot of my time. I hope they were still worthy though.   Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

Your title was a bit too common for me, and to prove that, Google gave me a lot of stories with similar titles as yours. To be quite honest, there were a lot of stories with the same title as yours and not just similar. Titles are not copyrightable. It's not mandatory to produce a very unique and outstanding title, though possible, but it is important to keep your title unique. For instance, there is a possibility that some of your readers might compare your story with another story that has the same title. There is also a possibility that they might think of your story with a similar plotline as the other one, which is one the bad side of course since they might lose interest. Did that make sense? In a way, let's just say that as unique yet interesting your story title is, the better.

Regardless, I think that you title was relevant to the story itself, literally. The eight girls will be meeting eight different boys/men in the story, right? Those men were doctors, too, which was really related to the title. Either way, I do think that you might attract some users with the title especially its relation to EXO's Overdose, though people might mistaken your story as a story solely comprising of EXO members themselves. Nevertheless, I am not telling you to change your title whatsoever. I'm actually fine with it, though I still find it weird.

Apart from that, I don't quite understand the purpose of putting those parenthesis for the 's' in 'doctors'. If you did that to emphasize the plurality of the noun, then I think it would be understandable if you leave the noun without those parenthesis. It kind of seemed a bit informal for me. You should also correct the capitalization for your title. Articles, prepositions and coordinating conjunctions should be capitalized for titles; hence, your title should be: "Someone Call the Doctors".

 

Graphics: 7/10

Like what I've been telling from my past reviews, I am not a professional poster reviewer, and I'm absolutely not a designer neither, though I do give my all in stating my thoughts and whatnot regarding your graphics. I also understand that you didn't make the poster yourself, but I'm still going to grade this section because for one, you included this section as stated in your form, and for two, graphics do play a vital role for your story, especially with it being one of the elements that might attract some of users that might happen to stumble upon your story. With these two reason stated, please do not my words personally and understand that I am only doing my job as a reviewer. Sorry for the semi-rant here, but I have received a few complaints before that I shouldn't have included nor reviewed this section in the first place since most of the authors do not make their own graphics.

Anyway, I'm kind of neutral with your poster. It looked a bit too crowded for me, though it's perfectly understandable as all the characters included in the poster were all important. The design seemed a bit of romance and fluff, though I don't quite understand why it was too... pinkish. I mean, those flowers and the picture at the bottom that looked like wheat or something from a field didn't really seem relevant with the story. Moreover, I don't think pink suits as the representative color for your poster. It was too feminine for my liking. A neutral color would've done the trick. What I like though were the pictures used for the poster. Surprisingly, they blended well together that it didn't really matter if it looked crowded since they were aligned and placed properly. It would've been better if the men had a background picture as well like that of the women above.

I don't think that poster was quite similar nor related with the background though, which made me think that they weren't requested from the same shop. Anyway, it's not the best graphics, but it was and simple and I think it may help you attract a few users when they happen to stumble upon your story. I'm not saying that you should change your graphics though. I think it's pretty, though there were a few loopholes here and there.

P.S. I noticed that the quote in your banner said: "they are falling in love... with a doctor." This is a very weird line, if I may say. That sentence meant that all of those girls were in love with one and only one doctor, which was supposed to be a one doctor for each girl, yeah?

 

Description and Foreword: 8/10

First of all, I think you need to fix the 'Characters' section that was seen below the poster in case some of your readers do not recognize all the characters in your poster. Maybe you could put something like 'from left to right', and then state their names according to their position. This is just a precaution, like what I've said before. There is a possibility that some of your readers are curious of those characters as if they don't know some of them. As such, try to be informative as possible, though make it simple. Don't be too complex.

Now, the lay-out was really fabulous. I really like lay-outs like that since I can see how authors like you exert high efforts in making their stories as attractive as possible. A part of it shows how dedicated they are in writing. I also like the gifs, especially the first one included as it was utterly connected with a doctor. That gif was really touching (the one with the 'please stay'). I don't fancy the pictures beside it though (the ones which looked like pink castles or something that I think you meant to put as a hospital). Like what I've said before, your story was too pinkish and feminine. Take it to a count that not all readers here in AFF are girls. Likewise, match your color schemes with your target readers.

I also have an issue with the font colors, especially with the very light gray font colors. I could hardly read them. For 'the pairings' part, I think you should re-arrange them, like remove the attached links as it didn't really come out as organized as it was supposed to be. Apart from that, I felt like you were too informative from the start, as if you gave out a lot of information, though they weren't really important. I did kind of feel like you gave out a lot that I wasn't even able to absorb most of it. The difficulty to read some lines kind of turned me off as well.

As for the description itself, I didn't feel like your did your best in introducing your story. I mean, you did introduce it, but it wasn't enticing enough. It didn't really make sense either. I felt like things were too obvious already that you should've made the description a bit interesting yet at the same time, it held the same thought as your original description. Did that make sense? In particular, I like descriptions that usually sounds like a quote. It would seem a bit mysterious yet understandable, and I also like them simple and a bit straight-forward. It's a bit hard to explain it, but anyway, I just didn't fancy your description. Aside from that, it also held a lot of grammatical errors that turned me off as well. As much as possible, you should try to make your description as perfect as possible as readers tend to read them before running off to read the actual story. Do keep that in mind. Anyway, I provided my revision in contrast to those errors. I also noticed that the 'so come here, let me introduce you...' part was placed at the bottom, when it should've been placed after the 'it is where all the young...' part. Did that make sense? [???]

(Original Version)
welcome to Seoul National University Hospital. 
the best possible medical care is providing to all.
it is where all the young and elite train to become doctors of the next generation. 
so come here, let me introduce you to their world.

(Revised Version)
Welcome to Seoul National University Hospital,
where the best possible medical care is provided to all.
It is where all the young and elite train to become doctors for the next generation. 
So come here, and let me introduce you to their world.

The number one problem that I noticed was the improper capitalization. I don't think some of the errors were due to the lay-out or something. Anyway, you should correct them as I really deem them improper. The prepositions were also messed up. The last statement is considered as a run-on sentence, and well, you tend to forget to end your sentence with the proper punctuation. There are ways to fix those run-on sentences; either by properly using semi-colons, ending them with periods, or by using coordinating conjunctions.

(Original Version)
This is a love story about eight different girls who fallen in love with eight different doctors
all the doctors has five things in common;
handsome -- young -- talented -- rich -- and works at Seoul National University Hospital
But this journey not about the doctors, it about the girls.
the girls will trapped into the little thing called, love

(Revised Version)
This is a love story about eight different girls, who fell in love with eight different doctors.
All the doctors have five things in common.
They are young, handsome, talented, rich, and they all work at Seoul National University Hospital.
However, this journey isn't about the doctors; it's about the girls.
The girls will be trapped into a little thing called love.

There were multiple errors for this description. First of all, the tenses were really messed up, and I had noticed that you didn't properly end your sentences. There were missing words as well, and I noticed that you misused your dashes. Dashes are not meant to be used that way. As illustrated above, you can just relay them by simply using commas and a conjunction.

 

Characterization: 5/10

I'll keep this as short as possible, okay? Your characterization was a messed up. I was confused for multiple times, and I do remember getting confused from each chapter. The main reason for this one would be because you tend to tell and not show. You were too direct with your sentences, and it really didn't entice me whilst reading. Instead of telling us how they were directly, try to elaborate their feelings, their actions, and their thoughts, so as to make it easier for us to assess their characters/personalities.

A young and petite nurse smiled and playing with a bunny doll in her hand, "Leo-ya, Tokki will laugh at you if you say that, look here, Tokki is cheering for you. Work hard, Leo-ya!" Her name is Sandara, Sandara Park. She is a nurse in training.

This is one example of you being too straight-forward or direct. Instead of introducing her like that, try to elaborate her character. Try to explain her features, her clothes, etc. before directly saying who she is. Moreover, what was the meaning of Dara's "Work hard, Leo-ya!"? Why should Leo work hard? I think it would've been understandable if she told him to cheer up instead.

She suddenly gets up from the couch, "EEH! Doctor Kris?!"

"Oh... he heard," cursed Dara in her mind.

The next thing he does surprised Dara more, he take off his doctor's coat, "What?! Why... Why he is taking off his coat?!" Dara's mind already panicked.

For this example, Dara has a lot of personality shifts. At the first statement, she was shown to be startled from