Calling for -parkminra

"The Chinese Zodiac Story"

Author: -parkminra

Main Characters: Xi Luhan, Oh Sehun, and Kim Jongin (Kai)

Genre: Comedy, Fantasy/Supernatural, Fluff, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Luhan is an ophran boy. He seem so cheerful on school, and no one knows he is been suffering. His mother died in a car accident, while his father already died when Luhan still in his mom's stomach. So, he decided to live with his grandfather on Seoul. But sadly, his grandfather’s house needed to be renovation. His grandfather decided to live with his family on Busan. He asked Luhan if he has bestfriends that he can live with. Luhan thinks, his friend Zitao live alone in apartement, so he couldn’t live with him. He has one more friend, Baekhyun. But, Baekhyun has a big family, so he will troublesome Baekhyun. Then an idea popped out from his head, he decided to live alone, but not telling his grandfather.

One day, Luhan walked along to his school, but then something catch his eyes. All animals statue of Chinese Zodiac. From there, Luhan’s story begins. Luhan live with Sehun, Chanyeol, and Kai, then he knew that their family has being cursed. What will happen if Luhan can break the curse?

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

I believe that title hold very important place in every stories. Title is made to catch potential reader attention on their first glance. Title also can be used to advertise the story itself to the potential readers.

Your title “The Chinese Zodiac Story” seems fine. It successfully catch my attention and short enough to be a title. But to me the phrase “Chinese Zodiac” hold more promises about the story itself. I expect to in for a fantasy and supernatural story but reading your description and foreword successfully turn me off. I have already imagine hundreds of various scenarios that will put on before me and I regret putting my expectation that high, solely because your title is good but the rest is just, for lack of another word, completely turn me away.

Remember baby, title is your story biggest selling point aside from the story itself. I remember I have already clicked the link on your story before I get to review it and as long as I remembered from that time, I feel that the story is not that interesting as the title.

 

Graphics: 9/10

Very high point, yes. Mainly because I can see that the shop which made the poster and background is good. They did a good job at it. The poster is beautiful and neat. The font was easy to read and not excessively used many fonts. The colour tone they used is simple but perfectly nail the genre. It looks fluffy and pretty.

Adding to that, I instantly know that the main characters will be Luhan, Sehun, and Jongin. But I want to discuss about the tag line here.

[Original version] “You’re only a normal human. How can you break the rules?”

Maybe it’s important in your story but I feel like the tag line can be shorter? Or maybe you can separate the two short sentences into different place so they won’t become one tag line but two. I feel your tag line a bit off so I will give you another version for the tag line, but it’s up to you to use it or not.

[Revised version]“How can a mere human break the rules?”

It’s just one sentence not two short sentences but you get the whole idea in one concise and precise tag line. I always feel that tag line in poster should only just one sentence or one quote, but it just my personal preference talking.

 

Description and Foreword: 3/10

Okay, I will be honest here. Your description is all over the place be it the grammar, the ambiance, the vibe, everything. I take out a lot of point here because this rubric is the second most important. I will talk about this in detail so maybe it gets longer than the rest. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you.

First, you’d better take out the bold part of your description. You don’t have to write that in your description. We can see that from right below the title part thanks to AFF formatting system. So it’s absolutely not necessary. As an avid reader, even if the title is good and catchy, but the description and foreword is crap, I won’t read the story. Your first sentence in the description blow me away. Not in a good way.

Luhan is an ophran boy.

Do you mean orphan? From your further description on Luhan situations, I take it he is an orphan. This mistake seems small but to me this is the perfect example of your lack of proofread. You said on the author’s note that you’ve already edit it. Do you proofread it? Do you even check it before you post your story?

Sorry if I sound so harsh, but you must understand that description and foreword is indeed important. It give the readers glimpse of your story. If you make your readers turned off by your grammar, you will face difficulties if you come across readers like me.

Let’s see another example in your description.

[Original verison] He seem so cheerful on school, no one knows he is been suffering. His mother died in a car accident, while his father already diedwhen Luhan still in his mom’s stomach.

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