Calling for yaaaah

"Loving Nobody"

Author: yaaaah

Main Characters: Jaejoong (JYJ) and Sunny (SNSD)

Genre: Angst, Comedy, Drama, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Romance, School life

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
When the definition of Jerk; the ill-mannered bully, as*hole Kim Jaejoong falls in love, he falls hard. And the victim is the definition of nobody, the girl who no one sees; she’s just like air in class. Will he forever love her from distance or will he someday come out of the closet with his feelings? And furthermore, will nobody want him?

 

    From yeolwho05: I'm so sorry if this review will seem a bit too rushed. I did rush it,
since you had requested for a review a long time ago. I apologize in advance if I somehow stated
something wrong, harsh, and inappropriate. Critique:

Story Title: 4.5/5

Your title somehow reminded me of Wonder Girls' Nobody to be honest, though let's not talk about that. First of all, my first impression wasn't that good; particularly because of originality. I have read a story before with a similar title, and that alone diminished the originality of your story. On the good side, it was relevant to the story; more specially for Jaejoong, since apparently, nobody wants him, or so he thought. It was connected to your description as well. It was a good thing how your description explained your title briefly. That's definitely a plus. The real deal about your title was how it was really related to Jaejoong loving 'Nobody', since he kept calling Sunny as 'nobody', right? That was really what I loved about your title. Kudos to that.

 

Graphics: 3.5/10

Okay. I apologize in advance if my words may come out harsh or anything. Please do understand that I am also trying to be as kind as possible. Well, here goes. The poster was not attractive at all. /sigh/ There. I said it. Well, for one, it seemed so carelessly made. The background itself didn't match the theme of the story alone. It looked too crowded as well because of the many characters you put along it. Jaejoong and Sunny in the poster solely will look better if you ask me. I also feel like the story's more of a dark yet angst of a story; since it'll involve some gangs and whatnot, as well as some drama and romance. The font styles used weren't attractive as well. As sad as this may sound, most readers here tend to read a story further due to attractive graphics. It's a sad reality, though we cannot do anything about it, really, so I suggest fixing things up, since this is one step ahead to fully market your story as well. It'll just show how good your story is; making your readers anticipate it even more.

I suggest requesting from a graphics shop; for both a poster and a background. Make sure not to ask for a crowded poster. I swear, it will not look good. Do focus on the primary characters first. Furthermore, do request for a matching background as well. Make sure it complements your poster. Putting up a background will help lessen the dullness of the main page of your story; that is, for me. You could also request for a character chart. By then, you will no longer need that little age summary you put at the end of your foreword. You can simple ask the graphics shop to put it in there. It would make your page look more interesting than simply put them in text. Just make sure to properly give credits and to follow their rules. If you want, I can recommend some good shops.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

Your brief summary was rather... enticing. Maybe it's because of that fact that you made terms like Kim Jaejoong as the definition of love, and the girl (Sunny) as the definition of nobody. Furthermore, it was rather connected with your story title; particularly your last question (in your description). However, it seemed a bit weird, since you asked us if nobody would want him? I mean, why? Typically, bullies always get the girls, or so in my book. I have read multiple stories before and that's always the case. Moreover, there wasn't enough background. I mean, it did sound a bit intriguing, but the follow-up question is 'why?' It would've been better if you said it like he was looking for someone who will truly love him and whatnot. Anyway, I hope I'm making sense here. Here's my own revision of your description though.

(Original Version) When the definition of Jerk; the ill-mannered bully, as*hole Kim Jaejoong falls in love, he falls hard. And the victim is the definition of nobody, the girl who no one sees; she’s just like air in class. Will he forever love her from distance or will he someday come out of the closet with his feelings? And furthermore, will nobody want him?

(Revised Version) With the definition of jerk; the ill-mannered bully, as*hole Kim Jaejoong falls in love, and he falls hard. In contrast, the person he fell in love to is the definition of nobody; the girl that no one sees, who's typically like air in class. Will he forever love her from a distance, or will he come out of the closet with his feelings someday? Furthermore, will he succeed in getting the 'true love' that he, apparently, had been looking for so long now?

I'm not the least proud of my revision, and I honestly can stop a few more questionable parts, though I do think that it sounds better and clearer than the original version. Rather than terming her as 'the victim', why not just tell us that he fell in love with her, or that the lucky girl is her?  I used the first one, though you can change it with a better description. Now, I made minor changes with your description, like the first word. I replaced it with 'with', simply because I think it complemented the second sentence. Actually, I understood your point of using 'when' to describe what happens to the definition of jerk A.K.A Kim Jaejoong. However, the sentence was too... rusty. The sentence construction was so confusing, especially with the commas that you placed in them.

As I read the little sneak peek you put in your foreword, I eventually understood why you asked us of will nobody want him. It was understandable, and it gave us, indeed, or enough information as we go through. I was really happy that it wasn't the romantic story where the boy is popular with the girls and is a jerk; whereas the girl is the nobody. What I want to point out is the change in point-of-views.

For the first part of your foreword, you stated some dialogues from different people, as well as what 'she' thought of her because of those dialogues. It was clearly shown as 'her' point-of-view. However, the next paragraph showed a change of POV, wherein you used Jaejoong's as he told us that he 'bullies the whole word and whatnot. That was particularly obvious. Moreover, there was, yet again, a change in POV for the next paragraphs, and it was to a third person's POV this time. Yet, it confused me. Putting up labels wouldn't be must of a help as well since that would ruin the intriguing sense of your foreword; though I suggest putting up some distinction to avoid confusion and misunderstandings. You still had some errors here and there as well, though I won't be point them out anymore, since I'm pretty sure I'd discuss them in the grammar section later on.

 

Characterization: 7.5/10

First of all, let's talk about the point-of-views used in the story. For one, the POV you used was consistent. However, I think you have a different perception of the different POV. For instance, all your chapters were on third person's point-of-view, wherein the person talking is that of an outsider, and not a part of the story. The third person is the most common point of view used in fiction writing. Authors use “he,” “she,” or “it” when referring to a person, place, thing, or idea. Don't put "Sunny's POV" when you're using a third person's. Frankly speaking, your readers will get confused, like I was. Normally, when the story suddenly shifts from one POV oh