"Evil Red Riding Hood"

Author: Xiuhanluhan

Main Characters: Sulli, Sehun, EXO, Myungsoo

Genre: Angst, Fantasy/Supernatural, Fluff, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story: Evil Red Riding Hood- A story about a girl who finds love from misfortune. Being the strongest female of the land of K-Agathalthia, she needs to keep her reputation 100 % secure. If the people found out that her mysterious love is a wolf, what will she do?

 

    Disclaimer:
I’m so sorry for the short review. I kind of rushed this review since the shop
was reopening. I did make sure to cover all issues that I found though. Again, I’m so sorry.   Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

To be honest, I wasn’t enticed with your title. First and foremost, it’s already a common title. A lot of stories here on Asianfanfics had long used the Red Riding Hood plot line. Try to search it up in Google and you’ll see what I’m talking about. There are already a lot of stories similar with you, so it’ll be hard to differentiate your story with the others, especially since a reader would readily assume that your story will have the same plotline. Remember not to underestimate the power of your title.

Secondly, in my opinion, it wasn’t that marketable. Sure. I get your point of Red Riding Hood getting evil and all, but then again, it wasn’t that kind of title marketable for readers here on AFF. Your title sets the tone, hints at the genre or style of book, and draws the reader in. Again, it’s your very first opportunity to “market” your book and make someone want to read it. It shouldn’t be dull, common, and lengthy. I believe that there is a deep twist in your story, so in my opinion, a title that is sophisticated yet simple and makes sense would be good for your story. That’s just my opinion though.

P.S. I find it most appropriate if your story has an article to begin it; hence “The Evil Red Riding Hood.”

 

Graphics: 6/10

I wasn’t the biggest fan of your poster, to be honest. First of all, I don’t get why it seemed as if purple was the main color used. In my opinion, it should’ve been red; not only because she was Little Red Riding Hood, but because red is a simple of hate, danger, or evil. It’s a very passionate color as well, and truth to be told, it’s very much noticeable. I can imagine a poster for your story wherein black, white, gray and red are the only colors present. By that, her clothes with the hood would be noticeable since it would be colored red.

On the other hand, what I loved was how your poster was connected with the pictures placed in the character chart. In the poster, she seemed to be straddling a wolf boy, which I presume is Sehun. It quite resembled his picture used in the character chart, which is really nice. It would’ve been better if the picture was clearer though, but nonetheless, it was cool. I think it would’ve been better if the background used on the poster was of the woods, too – or the forest, as that would emphasize the setting of the story.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

To be honest, your description was enticing. Most of the previous authors that I had reviewed for before might already know this, but yeah. I like description in poem form, since making a poem is utterly difficult, especially when it comes to the rhyming scheme. I also love the effort that the author exerts for making that poem. I’m glad that you did that though. It suits the feel of the story, especially with the Red Riding Hood plotline.

On the other hand, your character chart took a lot of space than necessary, with the font sizes too big, too. I think it would be wise to put at least two characters in one row – if possible, three, because a lot of unnecessary space was indeed used. Aside from that, your author’s note had a bit font size than necessary as well. Oh, and can I just tell you that my eyes nearly bulged out as I saw those pictures? I mean, wow. I’ve seen those pictures on Google, as a matter of fact, but yeah. I didn’t expect you to use those pictures at all. I just wanted to die when I saw Chen, Kris and Chanyeol’s pictures – especially Chanyeol’s! I think my eyes were deized. T_T

Anyway, I did find grammatical errors in your description, so I made my own revision. There will be a short and brief explanation afterwards. Here it is:

(Original Version)
The wind blow's, and frogs croak
The bird's hum to the breeze
The leaves sway as the moon shines
Everything seem's to be at ease. 
The sun come's up, the moon goes down
the smiles of the sleeping kids
turn into frowns.
But one mysterious night, a cry could be heard.
Awakening the kid's as their vision would be blurred.
No one know's what it is, who it was, what it wants. 
But they all know that it kills, that it hunts what it wants how it wants.

(Revised Version)
The wind blows, and frogs croak.
The birds hum to the breeze.
The leaves sway as the moon shines.
Everything seems to be at ease. 
The sun comes up, and the moon goes down.
The smiles of the sleeping kids,
turn into frowns.
But one mysterious night, a cry could be heard,
Awakening the kids as their vision would be blurred.
No one knows what it is, who it was, what it wants. 
But they all know that it kills, that it hunts what it wants how it wants.

I didn’t understand why you put apostrophes in the verbs that needed an s. Apostrophes generally show missing letters in contractions. In verbs like will not and are not, apostrophes can be used to contract them into won’t and aren’t, but for verbs like blows, knows, comes and seems, do not use apostrophes. Remember that the apostrophe has two, and only two, uses: to show possession and to indicate the omission of letters or numbers. In summary, the most common apostrophe error is the addition of an apostrophe where one is not needed. We have found apostrophes in some pretty strange places. Do not use an apostrophe in the possessive pronouns whose, ours, yours, his, hers, its, or theirs. Do not use an apostrophe in nouns that are plural but not possessive, such as CDs, 1000s, or 1960s. Do not use an apostrophe in any verbs. Apostrophes sometimes show up in verbs that end in -s, such as marks, sees, or finds.

In poems, grammar rules lend structure and clarity to our writing and gives us common ground rules that we can use to communicate clearly and effectively, just like the tightrope gives the acrobat a foundation upon which to walk. Note that in poetry writing, the traditional rule is that the first letter of each line is capitalized regardless of whether or not it starts a new sentence, hence my revision. Remember to end the lines with proper punctuations as well. Lines can end without any punctuation, but only when necessary, like when it’s connected with the next line.

 

Characterization: 6/10

So far, what I had was that Sulli – Red Riding Hood – was a strong, loveable and brave girl that fights for what she wants and what she believes in. She seems innocent as well, just like the typical Red Riding Hood in the Disney series and whatnot. On the other hand, the Big Bad Wolf – Sehun – was a very conceited and harsh that seemed to be quite the conquering type of person. (Did I get that right though?) The fact that he was entitled as the “Little Nice Wolf” is still a mystery to me though. I don’t know if that was a sarcastic title or not. He had also hurt Sulli’s father, who had nearly died. I don’t know if he’d truly die though since the latest chapter ended in a jiffy. (Do update soon!)

Honestly, I can’t really grade this section that much since there wasn’t much character development going on in the first place as you only had two chapters poster at the moment. Moreover, a chapter didn’t seem too informative either. Take a look at this:

"LET HIM GO!" I said almost at the verge of tears. "Let him go? In your dreams, but that is unless, YOU want to take his place~" He said smirking evilly. I hesitated for a moment but y family is more important to me then my life. "Aw, are your feeling's hurt? You scoundrel!" He said moving closer. "Don't with my feelings because your unsure of your own!!" I said yelling loudly, which caused him to shut up.

You seemed to focus more on their dialogues instead of the other character elements. For instance, their appearance and actions should be narrated as well. Like what people usually say, “Actions speak louder than words.” With that, you may use it as an advantage as you can control what you want your readers to know, and what you want your readers to think of at the moment. You can use it as a twist in the story as well – like a mystery that is held to be untold.

Myungsoo’s character seemed to be hiding something beneath as well. He seemed to be a cocky bastard at first – according to Sulli as well – yet in the second chapter, he seemed to be the helpful type of person as he offered to help Sulli and his father. I know that he has a secret though, as he kept on insisting that Sulli should deliver the goods to a faraway kingdom.

So far, your characters seemed to be the round-type of characters, where the reader/listener/viewer gets to know well. They have a variety of traits that make them believable. Central characters are well developed in good literature. I hope that there will be dynamic characters as the story progresses by.

 

Plot: 31/40

Well, as I’ve said before, the plot was quite cliché, though understandable since the story’s only starting. In my opinion though, the first chapters were quite fine, though a bit predictable based on the actual Red Riding