Calling for Kpopyoo

"Dreamland"

Author: Kpopyoo

Main Characters: Lee Hana ( OC ) & Koo Junhoe ( Ikon )

Genre: Fantasy/Supernatural, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Do you ever wonder what was Sleeping Beauty dreaming about when she was sleeping for 100 years? How could she sleep for that long time without getting old? Well you must thought because of the magic that was caused from the witch, Maleficent.
But in this story, Sleeping Beauty is sleeping because…
She is trapped in her dreamland which make her doesn’t want to wake up.

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

The title, to be honest, is dull. It is not interesting. It does not make you “Oh, what a nice title. I should probably read that.” No, that did not pop in my mind when I read your title. Your title is just too simple. Simplicity is good. Simplicity has its own beauty but it can only be beautiful when used correctly. Imagine your story as a published book with the same title. Let us all be honest in here: Do you think people would grab a book with a title like this?

One might say “But Twilight became a best-seller novel. Despite its simple title.” Yes, I do agree with that but “Twilight” (I am so sorry for mentioning this story. I know, it is horrible, at least for me, but I am just using this as an example) makes you wonder “What's with the twilight? What's the connection?” You see, a good title makes you ask so many questions. It makes you curious. It makes you stop whatever you are doing and the next thing you know, you are staring right at that title, excited to know the plot of the story.

Yours, unfortunately, did not really grab my attention. If I did not have to review your story, I would not have viewed this. Not at all. Now, there are a lot of people who do not judge the story by its title, I know but you've got to think that the majority of readers are attracted to covers and titles.

So make your title memorable. Make your title as if it will stay on anyone's mind.

No matter how relevant your title to your story, a forgettable title is just....well...forgettable.

 

Graphics: 0/0

There's nothing to say here since there's no poster. I wonder why you requested “All sections”

 

Description and Foreword: 2/10

How should I say this? Well, to be honest. I really did not like your Description and Foreword. Sure, the layout is neat and does not have this crazy glitter phony things (trust me, I have read some stories with layouts like that) but the mere fact that your Description is very hard to comprehend threw me off. Instead of just nodding and just reading your description, all I did was shaking my head and correcting every mistake I have spotted. That is really bad. Why? Distracting words are just distracting. They take your enjoyment away.

What is the most powerful tool of a writer? Her/his ability to make words! And you should take advantage of that ability! Hone your vocabulary and your grammar skill. I suggest to read books. Not just fanfictions but real, published books. There is a book for everyone. If you do not like reading but you'd like to be a writer, I'm going to be blunt to you then: No author has ever succeeded without reading.

As Stephen King said, if you do not have time for reading, then you do not have the tools for writing. Because let's face it: We need tools. Our brains need tools! If your mind is not fed, then how are you supposed to have a brilliant product? Always feed your mind. Read and read!

Original: Do you ever wonder what was Sleeping Beauty dreaming when she was sleeping for 100 years? How could she sleep for that time without getting old? Well you must thought because of magic that was caused by the witch or fairy.

But in this story, Sleeping Beauty is sleeping because...

She is trapped in her dreamland make her doesn't want to wake up.

Before I correct/revise this description, I'd like to say something first. I know that English is not your first language but so am I. In fact, English is my third language. Just imagine being a Chinese-Korean girl surrounded by people who did not speak English. Imagine how hard it was for me  learning English. All my classmates and teachers were speaking broken English. But did that stop me? Well, it could have, but I did not let my disadvantages to stop me from learning English. If you want to learn, you can. Nobody and nothing can stop you.

Just like what I have said, read and you shall feed your mind. Feed your mind and you shall have a product. I say this because honestly, your English really needs some polishing. But don't worry! As I have said, if you want to learn, nobody and nothing can stop you. So help yourself.

Correction: Have you ever wondered what was Sleeping Beauty dreaming about when she was in a deep sleep? How could she have had slept for that long without getting old?

You must have thought that it was because of magic casted by the fairies and a curse casted by the witch. However, in this story, she is sleeping because she is trapped in her dreamland that does not let her to wake up.

You see, even if I have corrected the errors in your description, the description is still...boring. Sorry but it is.

Now, description is another way to have someone's interest to read your story. I think what you are lacking here is the power of words. As a writer, you have to know what is your voice, not just your characters' voice but your voice as an author. Is your voice blunt, honest, or melodrama? Is it hopeful? Is it witty? Remember though, sometimes you've got to twist a little bit just so your voice will fit to the genre of your story. What I am talking about? If your story is about tragedy, why would you make your voice comedic? Is there something funny? Or maybe you are aiming for a satire writing style. I am talking a lot here but I hope you get what I am trying to say.

Anyway, back to your presentation, as I have told you, it is dull and boring. Imagine a steak. What makes it delicious? Most of us prefer a juicy steak, right? Now a dry steak will not just do it. Some maybe will eat it but most of the customers will leave the restaurant and never come back again. It's the same with you. You have to make your description juicy, something that will make anyone come back again. Description is the face of any AFF story, so I believe. If it does not interest me, well...why would I click the next button, right?

Suggestion: Have you ever wondered what was Sleeping Beauty dreaming about for a hundred years? Have you asked yourself how she have had slept without getting old?

You must have thought it was because of the witch and the fairies. However, you are wrong. You are about to explore the world of Sleeping Beauty. The world that did not let her to wake up; the world that had captured her for years.

That world is dreamland.
Are you ready to come along, children?

I am not really proud of my suggestion but I am very sleepy while doing this review so pardon me for this but I hope you get what I mean. There should be something striking, something that feels unique! Aim for that. It does not matter how many tries, just aim for it.

As for the other Description, the one that was below this break line, I don't know about you but you have spoiled your story. A little bit but still, you have told so much. There is just too much details. Details that I am not even interested to know. I want those details to read when I click the “next” button. I really dislike it when the supposed gripping description just gives too much information. I suggest to get rid of that second description. It really ruined the mood of the story, at least for me.

As for the pictures...I kinda dislike them. You see, it is your job, as an author, to describe, to SHOW, to feed us, how your characters look like. That's the beauty of literature. It makes you think, it gives you freedom to imagine what the author is saying. Now because you have shown your OC's face, that imagination just...broke. I am really disappointed. Describe how she looks like. You do not have to be as detailed as possible. Just trust your readers.

For example, you might say that your character has oval face, hooded eyes, etc. and the images will be different on every reader’s mind. It does not matter. It is your job as an author to give them details. Now it is their job, as readers, to work with your story, to imagine what you are describing. But this kind of 'job', is tricky, especially if the author is not trusting them. TL;DR. I suggest you to remove the photos because they are really ruining the beauty of imagination.

Nothing to say about your foreword because...there is nothing really to say but author's note and whatnot.

Do you know what foreword is for? Foreword is a sneak-peek of your story. It should level up the readers' curiosity.

Although I give you the credit of putting the author's note on the foreword (because that is where author's note really belongs) still...I just hoped you have put something aside from your notes.

 

Characterization: 4/10

I'd like to talk about what the “mixed race” thing. As a Chinese-Korean girl, I tell you this: Mostly, we do not find mixed-race attractive. Well, in some cities, maybe. Maybe they are open-minded now but nonetheless, we find biracial...odd, especially if they really look different from us. It must be envy or something but we don't accept biracial kids in our class immediately. Some will bully them, some will just stare and some will try to befriend them. I had tried to befriend this biracial kid once (I was only seven) and my classmates started to look at me as though I was weird. What I am saying here is, biracial kids are not that welcome. But that is what I just witnessed in our little city. Maybe we are growing up, if you know what I mean. This could be the reason why no one is befriending Hana. You could have used that as the reason but at last, you did not. You did not describe her features so I have no idea how she looks like. Don't rely on the photos online. Use your imagination.

As for the little brother...I don't know but most boys I know do not like fairy tales, especially about love. They find them dramatic and just too girly. I grew up in a house full of boys (most of my cousins are boys and I have a lot of nephews) and I can honestly say that they hate fairy tales.

But not all boys are like that. Maybe the brother in here does not really mind. (So I was kind of glad he had requested for Superman when they were watching Rapunzel)

Another thing. This should be on the Grammar and Writing Style section but since I will mostly talk about the character, I decided to just put my cri