Calling for Rogue-Renegade

"Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree"

Author: Rogue-Renegade

Main Characters: Oh Sehun and Draco Malfoy

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friendship, Romance, , Preslash

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Oh Sehun meets Draco Malfoy when he is six years old and living a lonely life in the English countryside. They click, and the two young wizards become fast friends for many years until they part at age eleven to go to their separate magic schools.
Later, Sehun comes back after many depressing and hurtful years of living in his homeland to try to start again at Hogwarts and find his long lost bestfriend, Malfoy. What will happen to he and Draco? Are they still friends, or has their relationship been forgotten?

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3.75/5

Your title is pretty awesome. It’s unique, different and attractive, but above all, it’s mysterious. Also I have a particularly soft spot for the longer, more poetic sounding titles. However, while it scores perfectly for creativity, it’s relevance to the fic itself was disappointing.

When I looked at the title, I’d automatically thought “Why? Why can’t he sit under the apple tree? Why specifically an apple tree? Can he sit under any other tree? What’s happening here? Oh I’m so curious now. CLICK!” My expectations from the fic was sky high and based on the title I was expecting something mystical, dark and angsty. Especially considering the cast. Draco Malfoy and Oh Sehun? That’s a match made in the most perfectly dark, dystopian realm.

So I read through the chapters with zeal until I reached the end, but then disappointment washed over me seeing how the only relevance of the title to the story was that last dialogue.

So this is where I have an advice for you in regards to this problem. When thinking of titles for a story there are a number of ways a writer can try to communicate the main theme of the story that will follow the name. Sometimes it’s the name of the main characters, other times it incorporates an important action or facet of the story. From the looks of your title, it seems you tried to do the latter, which in my opinion is a great approach. But here’s the catch, for this, the tree in fact is not of even little, if any, importance. Had there been many scenes of the two boys under the tree then I’d understand the relation, but there wasn’t. So to fix this problem, I’d suggest you to quickly begin incorporating the tree in more of Sehun’s and(/or) other character’s memories, preferably 1-2/chapter.

Other than this, I really like the name.

 

Graphics: 9/10

I like the graphics. It’s sad and somber looking with the two main characters standing prominently with an apple tree for background. The text is visible and the overall feel is good but I’ll take off a point for the dialogue you used. The line spoilt the fun of the story and gave away the mystery the poster and title presented.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

This section I have a problem with. You used dialogues and actions between Sehun and Draco here, which honestly were a little too dull while also being all revealing. To add to that, the way you wrote the actions and dialogues, the flow is abrupt and it felt more like I was reading a script or play rather than a book. Scripts and plays can afford to be skimpy on descriptions since the actors will add the required body to the scene with their performances but that is not the case with books. So the feeling was of expecting to be served succulent fish curry but coming home with the dry fish-carcass.

I hope you get what I mean. I’d suggest adding more detailing to the action. More feelings rather than just words. Instead of saying I love you directly after looking into Draco’s eyes, you could show him feeling sadness and a sense of helplessness. Something! Pretty much anything to make the scene feel more palpable.

 

Characterization: 8/10

Your characterisation of Sehun was great. From the looks of it, the fic seems like it was originally meant to be a oneshot and I’m reviewing it as such. So for the short volume we were attuned to him enough, but since the story is in first person narration of Sehun, we lost out on Draco’s side. Or basically any ot