[CONTENTID1]Archive: Review for MiaMae14[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2]Family Portrait™[/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID3]

Story Title: Family Portrait™

Author: MiaMae14

Main Characters: Jonghyun, Key, Shinee

Genre: Angst, Drama, Family,

Status: On-going

Description of Story: CEO of Kim Servies, Kim Jonghyun, enjoys day to day bachelor life. Reaping the benefits and luxury which comes from managing a succesful business. One distinguishable fall afternoon he gets a call that changes his life. He's not ready to be a father of a young child. And he's definitely not ready to be a father of a sassy 20 year old. But, life doesn't seem to care of his preferences.

 

 

 

CRITIQUE:

Story Title: 4/5

I really like the title, although it sounds sad for some reason I do not know. I am just curious if the ™ and the lack of spacing is purposeful because it implies to something or you just want to type it out that way? It sounds like a brand or some sort of a company, but I do not find any brand or company with that name in the story. If there is no particular relation between the ™ and the lack of spacing with the story itself, I suggest you type it out without them instead.

 

Graphics: 10/10

I do not really review graphics because I think I should focus more on the writing, so because you have both a poster and a background, I am giving you full marks! On another note, the poster is lovely and the quote in it seems meaningful for some reason. I am not sure why I keep on thinking that it sounds sad.

 

Description and Foreword: 9/10

Nothing in particular is wrong in these two parts. I think that you used both the description and foreword the way we are supposed to, with an introduction in the description and an excerpt of the story in the foreword. I definitely think that it is interesting, although you might want to just remove the underline in Or so he thought. just to make it look neater, since I rarely ever see underlined words in published books and fanfictions alike. I am a bit iffed by the border right below the foreword, but I see that recurring throughout the chapters, so I will discuss it further in the sections below along with further elaborations on what I think about your writing style.

 

Characterization: 5/10

After reading through all eight chapters, I find myself still not being able to grasp Jonghyun's character. For one, he seems like some sort of a pushover and a rather easygoing man if I were to judge from the fact that he willingly agrees to raise a child without too big of a reaction. He seems understanding in this part, and even a little indecisive. More into the chapters, though, we see that he also has a short fuse, seeing as how he snaps at Kibum using very, very harsh words when he knows very well that Kibum has amnesia. Unless you are trying to imply that he believes Kibum is faking his amnesia or something, which I doubt. I just feel that Jonghyun's character tends to fluctuate and it confuses me because I really do not understand where you are going with him. I think you should set Jonghyun's character traits straight and elaborate from those traits from then on. You want him to be a pushover who cannot say no to anyone, or you want him to be a short-fused businessman who snaps at unexpected times? These two are very different personas, and if you want to merge them, more details would have to be provided. Example, you can say that he is all stubborn and feisty, but his soft spot are kids. The most important thing here is elaboration. Elaborate, elaborate, elaborate.

As for Kibum, I am not all that familiar with his personality too, but that may be because you are on your early chapters. His persona before the amnesia seems like it is completely different with his personality now, because if I am not wrong, then he is rather vulnerable and naïve, although he has the 'attitude' and a little bit of flare. You seem to want to give your characters two sides each, like how Jinki and Onew are two different beings, so I have no other tip other than elaborating. Make sure to inject enough details to every characters you have. Tie everything up neatly and check back a few chapters occassionally to see if you are on the right track.

 

Plot: 26/40

Upon reading the first chapter, I actually think that you have a very interesting plot going on. I think has enough room for drama even without all the Jinki complications and amnesia; I believe that it is a very solid idea right there. I just think that it is rather unrealistic how the doctor just handed him the baby without calling the police or something, since it is a pretty serious matter to leave children unattended. The mystery behind the baby's mother is still not revealed yet, so I think you could use that to clarify the whole thing later on. As I mentioned in the characterization part, I believe that Jonghyun is too accepting with the situation. Is it just his nature to be so helpless? I believe that you should give more details here, be it Jonghyun raging and refusing to take the baby, or him trying to reason with the doctor to arrange a place for the baby or something. I just think that it makes the whole thing progress way too fast with Jonghyun accepting the baby just like that.

I think you left a lot of details out in each and every chapter. In the second chapter, where Jonghyun meets Taemin and Jinki, all along I thought that they were neighbors. I only found out that I am wrong at the last chapter, where you talked about Jinki's nice house. This gives me a question: where did they meet? Did they meet at the hospital where Jonghyun picked Mihwa up (this is unlikely, since he bought a baby seat?)? Did Taemin live beside Jonghyun or something? Did they bump into each other? See, a little detail can cause so many questions from me. Even just a simple phrase as an explanation will do, really. With that, I also would like to mention that I think you are progressing too fast. It may have to do with the lack of details you present, but really, it is just one unsolved problem after another and it gets all complicated when it is just in its early chapters. I think you should give more insights to the relationship of Kibum, Jonghyun and Mihwa, as they are the main characters here. Jinki, Taemin and all other dramas should be a side dish of some sort—they should not be the one dominating the entire thing.

Another thing that is too fast in my opinion is Jonghyun's feelings for Kibum and vice versa. Love at first sight? I cannot see a lot of interactions between the two of them for them to develop such feelings for each other yet, so you might want to work on that a little. The lack of minor but somehow crucial detail is how Kibum suddenly recovers his car in chapter eight. Why did he not go back to his home if he knows where it is? Is it because the doctor advices against being alone because of his amnesia? You should actually write these things out to make it clear. I am sorry for nitpicking at the tiniest details, by the way. I feel that this story actually has a lot of potential if you just try to lessen the loopholes.

 

Consistency: 2/5

I believe that everything is going too fast. There are too many conflicts in just eight chapters, and I think that you need to pay extra attention to each and every problems you put in it instead of just brushing past it. Give a lot of attentions to each and decide how you are going to tie them all up together at the end instead of just going with the flow. It would help a lot. Same goes with the characterization; remember to always be consistent.

 

Readers' Response: 5/5

I believe that they are currently enjoying your story. They are all curious about the next, and the next, and the next. I