Calling for KoreanLover300

"Desire"

Author: KoreanLover300

Main Characters: Kim Bum, Kim So Eun, and Kim Joon

Genre: Angst, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Ga Eul met Yi Jung but not in the most romantic way. Ga Eul met Woo Bin and they became great friends. But Ga Eul eventually fell for the Casanova and Woo Bin respected that. Yi Jung confesses to Ga Eul and asks her to wait till he returns from Sweden and she promises she will. But on his way back to South Korea after 4 years Yi Jung`s plane gets into a crash and no one is reported to survive. Ga Eul after waiting so long and then hearing the shocking news was ready to give up on life too. Seeing her in this much pain, he couldn't take it and then decided to help her. He married Ga Eul to help her come back to life. 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2.75/5

Your title was of a single word. It was slightly appealing, and a bit strong in a sense that it had that certain impact. However, in terms of originality, I can't give you a fair grade. "Desire" is a common story title, and it may stand in the way of letting your potential readers remember your story after reading. I mean, titles are not copyrightable; however, it's still considered as your first step in officially marketing your story. Moreover, an intense yet appropriate title will help you get more readers. Nowadays, weird, sophisticated, and out-of-the-box titles have been a hit amongst readers. Usually, it happens when a title is visually appealing, and if it sounds good as well. Do keep that in mind, although I have nothing against your title.

As of now, I still haven't grasped the relevance of that title with your plot line; however, it does sound a bit interesting. On the bad side, it would be misunderstood as a different type of desire. For instance, there's a desire for love, or a desire for lust, etc. That part is a bit blurry, but still, I guess your title's acceptable. For now, I have to say that the title's slightly inappropriate with the plot; however, I do believe that all with go well eventually.

 

Graphics: 5.5/10

I have a bit of a problem with your poster. First of all, I felt like the characters' expressions didn't match the story's mood at all. "Desire", in relation to your plot line, sounds a bit gloomy for me. In that case, wouldn't it be better if their expressions were gloomy as well. Moreover, as I read your description, you said that Yi Jung will disappear from a plane crash, am I right? Then if that scenario is supposedly interrelated with your poster, it's only right that Ga Eul will have a sour expression on her face. Well, maybe a sad/crying picture of her would do a better trick. Anyway, their placement on the poster was a bit misguarded as well. They were of different sizes, and of posture as well. It would have been better if Woo Bin's back was "pressed" as well, just like Yi Jung's, and that he was facing the 'camera' from his back (if that makes sense). The background at the bottom part of the poster was questionable as well. I don't think it was of any relation with the story, and even if it had, it didn't quite match the blending of colors from above. The font used for the title was a bit... I don't know. If I were to be asked, I would choose a different font style for it.

On the other hand, I suggest putting up a background for your story. How much fancy your poster would look like won't matter since your readers won't be able stare at it all the time. By putting up a background, you're somehow giving some colors for your page, making it looks less gloomy. At the same time, it would somehow highlight the effort you place in your story. Make sure that it complements your poster though. A different kind of background in contrast to your poster would make your page look weird, and not to mention the genre. It would ruin the whole theme of the story. You made your own poster, so I guess this wouldn't be of much hassle on your side.

 

Description and Foreword: 6.5/10

Your description was short, simple, yet straight-forward. It kind of said all that needed to be said, yet you didn't necessarily gave everything away, though I can't say the same for your foreword. Either way, I have a bit of a problem with your description; grammar-wise. I will not be making my own revision since it's too simple of a problem, and when I revise a certain paragraph, I tend to add and change a lot of things, so I'll just discuss my concerns below.

(Your Version) He told her to wait for him and she promised she would. He left without saying goodbye and then he came into her life to help her. 

I have a bit of a problem with the subjects on-hand for this paragraph; mainly because you were talking about two "he"s. I'm pretty sure that you were talking about Woo Bin and Yi Jung, am I right? Well, it was a bit hard for me for distinction since you used quite a lot of "he"s, or maybe it's just me. Anyhow, an italization for the "he"s pertaining to Woo Bin would to the trick. That way, at least it would be more clear that you were talking about a different 'he'. You could also try and term Woo Bin, like state him as "her savior" or something. That's just an example though. I do think that the confusion with "he"s are effective though. It was just slightly confusing on my part. But then again, maybe it's just me.

As for the foreword, you put a brief elaboration of your plot line. It's actually in the negative side since you've said a lot about your plot. I mean, you gave a lot away, and it might cause some of your readers to feel turned off since they'd know what to expect from your story. On the other hand, you also have a lot of grammatical errors. I've made my own revision of your foreword, though I'm not the least proud of it. I've corrected most of the mistakes though.

(Original Version) Ga Eul met Yi Jung but not in the most romantic way. Ga Eul met Woo Bin and they became great friends. But Ga Eul eventually fell for the Casanova and Woo Bin respected that. Yi Jung confesses to Ga Eul and asks her to wait till he returns from Sweden and she promises she will. But on his way back to South Korea after 4 years Yi Jung`s plane gets into a crash and no one is reported to survive. Ga Eul after waiting so long and then hearing the shocking news was ready to give up on life too. Seeing her in this much pain, he couldn't take it and then decided to help her. He married Ga Eul to help her come back to life. 

(Revised Version) Ga Eul met Yi Jung, but not in the most romantic way. Ga Eul met Woo Bin, and they became great friends. However, Ga Eul eventually fell for the Casanova, and Woo Bin respected that. Yi Jung confessed his feelings to Ga Eul and asked her to wait until he had returned from Sweden. In return, she promised that she will. However, Yi Jung's plane crashed on its way back to South Korea after four, long years, and no one was reported to survive the accident. Ga Eul, after waiting for so long and then hearing the shocking news, was ready to give up on life as well. Seeing her in so much pain, he couldn't take it anymore and decided to help the girl by marrying her to help her come back to life.

First of all, do learn when, why, and how to use commas. Commas are very important in writing since it portrays pauses in your statements. Imagine your long sentences without the use of commas. You'd be like, rapping or something. Anyhow, do learn how to use them. Secondly, avoid using conjunctions to begin your sentences. It's not necessarily considered as an error; however, there are better ways to state them, like the use of 'however' like what I illustrated above. Thirdly, do not jump from one tense to another unless necessary. I have noticed that you were jumping from one tense to another, particularly from simple past to simple present, which is terribly wrong. Fourthly, you're sentence construction was a bit messed up as well, like the arrangement of words and whatnot. You could see them in the last sentences of your paragraph.

As an addition, why not put up an author's note in your foreword, and an credits or acknowledgements' section at that. For the author's note, you could put your inspiration(s) in making this story. It actually helps the readers to understand the plot more. For instance, you could say that you were inspired by the kdrama, "Boys Over Flowers". Moreover, you could say that you ship the couple, and that you were disappointed that they didn't have a lot of parts in the drama. Anyhow, it's your choice, and it's your thoughts that we're supposed to talk about here, so do think about it. Oh, and try picture dividers as well instead of those dividers you put in your foreword. It actually looks distraction and... displeasing to the eyes? Do think about that as well, though it's completely your choice of whether you want to change it or not.

 

Characterization: 7.25/10

I'll keep this short, okay? There were a lot of loopholes pertaining to their individual personalities. Not only