Calling for DarkRen

"The New Life of Mine"

Author: DarkRen

Main Characters: All Of SNSD But Mainly Taeyeon

Genre: Family, Friendship, Romcom,  / Yuri

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Taeyeon is an Orphan who doesn't even have a family name as she was abandon the day she was born in, she grew up in an orphan House but she never got a foster family for some reason, until she was 17 years old in her third year in high school finally someone came into her life .
Lee Soo Man is one of the Richest Man in Korea and he has every thing every person want's in a life, but one day he felt like something was missing after few day's he decided to do something good in his life .
he decided to take in some kid's who had issue with their parent's or has some self problem's and give them the life they want and Taeyeon was one of these Kid's .
in the end Taeyeon accepted his offer cause she was board of her life in the orphanage, the kid's Soo Man toke in were Nine after a week Soo Man said that he would go on a long business Trip and Left the kids with some Maid's and Butler, so Taeyeon had to get along with the crazy atmosphere the other Kids made in the Mansion 

 

R/N: I apologize in advance in case some of my words
came out as offending/insulting. ~ yeolwho05 Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

I have a bit of a problem with your title. There's some contradiction going on in my mind with the titles "The New Life of Mine" versus "This New Life of Mine". I think the second one is more appropriate for your title. I think 'this' described her life more that the article 'the'. Moreover, it was from Taeyeon's point-of-view, am I right? When you say, "This New Life of Mine", it somehow sounds bitter yet astonishing, whereas it arouses curiosity. I mean, you'd ask yourself, what's up with that life of hers?

On the other hand, your title wasn't that all unique. A lot of stories present here in Asianfanfics have at least a similar title as yours. It's a bit too common for my liking, and I'm afraid that it won't be that much memorable for potential readers. However, it was really relevant with the plot since her life did change after Sooman took her in, and for that, you did a good job. It was a relief that the title was of a first person's point-of-view as well, since the story itself was relayed in a first person's point-of-view. 

 

Graphics: 8.5/10

I absolutely love the poster. It clearly showed the mansion with the background, together with the obvious main pairing in the story which Taeyeon and Tiffany. Both of them look elegant as well with their poses, although I'd like to think otherwise for Tiffany since she looked to much of a model if I may say. It could've been better if she looked a bit natural like Taeyeon in the poster; something that would make them look like they were posing naturally. As for the background, well I don't think they really complemented each other well; mainly because of the colors, but the background was cute enough to set the mood up, so I guess all is fine. "Darkren's present" should be "Darkren Presents" though.

 

Description and Foreword: 5/10

I'm sorry to say this, but your description didn't entice me at all. The description contained a lot of grammatical errors to which made it hard for me to understand what you were trying to say. In terms of the content though, I think you did a pretty good job with the introduction; however, it was too long, and I'm a bit afraid of the amount of information you had provided. I think it is of good length though; however, removing some information and letting them sink in in the story itself would be a better idea. Other than that, I have provided my revised version of your description. There were a lot of errors, and I really did try my best in correcting them. Here it is:

(Revised Version)
Taeyeon was an orphan who didn't even have a family name as she was abandoned the day she was born. She grew up in an orphanage, but she never got a foster family for some reason until she was 17 years old. She was in her third year of high school when someone finally came into her life.

Lee Sooman was one of the richest men in Korea. He had every single thing a person would want in his life. However, he always felt like something was missing, so after a few days, he decided to do something good in his life. He decided to take in some kids who had some issues and/or self-problems with their parents and give them the life they want. Taeyeon was one of those kids.

In the end, Taeyeon accepted his offer out of boredom in the orphanage. In totality, Sooman took nine kids. A week later, Sooman told the kids that he would go to a long business trip and left them with some maids and butlers. In that case, Taeyeon had to get along with the crazy atmosphere along with the other kinds in the mansion.

There were a lot of grammatical errors from the original version of your description. First things first, always remember to capitalize the first word in your sentences. It's really mandatory. Second of all, tenses should be in past tense since you were talking of the past; specifically Taeyeon's past from the orphanage until the day someone took her in. Thirdly, remember to put a space after the period, and not before it. I noticed that you put a space before the period. That's a big no-no. You should remember to put it after, and not the other way around. Fourthly, you should never put an apostrophe before the s for plural nouns. Apostrophe and s are only used for possessive nouns, whereas in your description, you only used plural nouns, so obviously you used them wrong. Fifth issue would be the prepositions. Do learn the proper use of every prepositions. The last issue would be the ellipsis. An ellipsis contains three consecutive dots. It's not two nor four, but three. Remember that, and try to be more consistent.

Other than that, you also had some confusing word usage such as the word board versus bored, and because versus cause. Remember than all words have their own distinction. There were some grammatical errors as well from the character chart/description/introduction. Here are my revisions for the individual character introduction:

(Original Version - Taeyeon) a very quiet girl even thought there is a lot in her mind, sometimes rude and cold but actually very kind, her cold area and silent make people misunderstand her most of the time.

(Revised Version - Taeyeon) Taeyeon was a very quiet girl even though there was a lot in her mind. She can sometimes be rude and cold, but she's actually very kind. People misunderstand her cold and silent personality most of the time.

Again, please remember the proper capitalization, especially to the first words in sentences. You have also mistaken the word 'though' as 'thought' although I think it was just a simple typographical error. You have a serious case of run-on sentences here as well. 

(Original Version - Yuri)  a previous member of a gang, grew up mostly in the street, violence sometimes and has a very short temper and you wouldn't want to mess with her, very protective of her friends but life teach her not to trust.

(Revised Version - Yuri) Yuri was a previous member of a gang. She grew up mostly in the streets. She can be violent at time due to her very short temper. you wouldn't want to mess with her. On the other hand, she was very protective of her friends, although life taught her not to trust others.

I think it would be best if you completed the descriptions in sentences. It wasn't in a bulleted format as well, so it's only right to complete the thought. Also, 'violence' is a noun, and not an adjective. The adjective for that is 'violent'. There were cases like this as well, and it's a bit of a major problem because it was distracting, and annoying at that. There were a lot of errors like this to be honest.

(Original Version - Yoona) working as a model and an actress, her fame was build up because of her amazingly pretty face and kind heart, but after few events happened to her she just couldn't take it and had to take a break from the spot light.

(Revised Version - Yoona) Yoona was working as a model and an actress. Her fame was building up because of her amazingly pretty face and kind heart; however, a few personal problems flew by. She couldn't take the pressure, so she decided to take a break from the spotlight.

I'm not exactly proud of this revision, but yeah. I changed a lot of things, and I added some at that. I changed your tenses and corrected them. I also fixed the sentence construction and whatnot. Basically, I corrected all those errors that I could find.

(Original Version - Sooyoung) a model and an actress who had a rough childhood and when she though that everything is gonna be alright her childhood came back to hunt her again and had to go Hiatus .

(Revised Version - Sooyoung) Sooyoung was also a model and an actress who had a rough childhood. When she thought that everything was going to be alright, her childhood came back to hunt her again and had to go on hiatus.

For this one, well I couldn't grasp what you wanted to imply in the first place. Did you meant a childhood friend or something, or her childhood in general? If it is her past per say, then I suggest saying it as literally "her past came back to hunt her again". I prefer that instead of stating her childhood. The same errors were present like the previous examples.

(Original Version - Seohyun) lost all her memories because of something that happened few months before and can't even tell how she was like before, all she know is that she loves to make sweets and pastries.

(Revised Version - Seohyun) Seohyun lost all her memories because of what had happened a few months before. She couldn't even tell how she was like before. All she knew was that she loved making sweets and pastries.

Again, the same errors were interconnected with the previous ones, so I guess I don't have to further explain this section. Do make sure that you're not jumping from one tense to another though; plus, I think the past tense is the best appropriate tense to be used for your character introductions/descriptions since you basically talked of their past.

(Original Version - Sunny) a popular singer, for some reason one day she just couldn't get her voice to sing no matter how much she tried, and it wasn't because of any sickness or anything, so she decided to take a brake.

(Revised Version - Sunny) Sunny was a popular singer, but for some reason, she just couldn't get her voice to sing no matter how much she tried. It wasn't because of any sickness or something, so she decided to take a break.

Okay, so first of all, 'brake' is very much different from 'break'. Brake is a restraint used to slow of stop a vehicle, whereas 'break' (in which was implied above) is an act of delaying or interrupting the continuity. In other words, 'break' is the appropriate noun to be used. Other than that, I also corrected the sentence construction of her brief description.

(Original Version - Jessica) an icy girl who fought so much for her dreams but in the end she couldn't get what she has always wanted and gave her dreams up for reasons she can't even do anything about.

(Revised Version - Jessica) Jessica was the icy girl who fought so much for her dreams, but in the end, she c