Calling for pandoralacey

"Trapped"

Author: pandoralacey

Main Characters: Hyuna, Eunjung and Kai

Genre: Family, Friendship, Horror, Morbid, Mystery and Tragedy

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Two strangers, Song Hyuna and Cha Eunjung became friends following a tragic accident. But when Hyuna found herself enamoured with Eunjung’s former boyfriend, Kai, the conflict lines were firmly drawn. After one fateful night, Eunjung went missing, and their heart-whole friendship was put into a test...until, it got to the point where Hyuna dreaded going to bed.

        Critique:

Description and Foreword

I really fancy your description. You started it with a quote of: "There could be another world, or more, but my heart – there was only one." It had a really deep and cute meaning behind it to which I greatly appreciate, but the quote itself seemed a bit off in terms of grammar. It lacked the preposition 'in', and there were slight errors with commas. In my opinion, it should be like this: "There could be another world or more, but in my heart – there was only one." There were only super minor errors, so no harm done. As for the brief summary placed below that quote, there were grammatical errors as well. Let me point them out.

(Original Version) Two strangers, Song Hyuna and Cha Eunjung became friends following a tragic accident. But when Hyuna found herself enamoured with Eunjung’s former boyfriend, Kai, the conflict lines were firmly drawn. After one fateful night, Eunjung went missing, and their heart-whole friendship was put into a test...until, it got to the point where Hyuna dreaded going to bed.

(Revised Version) Two strangers, Song Hyuna and Cha Eunjung, became friends after following a tragic accident. However, Hyuna eventually found herself enamored with Eunjung’s former boyfriend, Kai, and suddenly, the conflict lines were firmly drawn. After one fateful night, Eunjung went missing, and their heart-whole friendship was put into a test, until it got to the point where Hyuna dreaded going to bed.

There were slight errors in terms of punctuations, particularly with commas. I also replaced some words with new ones. For instance, I replaced the coordinating conjunction 'but' with 'however'. Coordination conjunctions are not really prohibited into beginning sentences with, but alternative words like 'however' would make your sentences sound better, or for me at least. Either way, both words are acceptable, though I recommend using the latter. Anyway, I also removed the ellipsis you put at the last sentence since it wasn't really necessary. The last sentence was creepy and mysterious enough without an ellipsis, hence the revision. Your summary. in particular, was fine. I felt like it was too straight-forward though, but all in all, it was fine.

As for your foreword, well I love how you included a particular time-event for a sneak peek. However, there were still grammatical errors involved, and it really bothered me. The value of your description and foreword was really good, and it was a real disappointment to see how the grammar was messed up; no offense. Anyway, here are some of the revisions that I have made.

(Original Version) Only that day (2013, September) did I learnt the pungent smell of blood, diversities of human flesh, and the morbidity of death; it was the turning point in my life, also the beginning of everything – the bus we rode skidded into a ravine. When I was closed to surrender, she reached for my hand and told me, "We'll survive this together." 

(Revised Version) Only that day did I learnt the pungent smell of blood, the diversities of the human flesh, and the morbidity of death. The bus we rode skidded into a ravine – it was the turning point in my life and the beginning of everything as well. When I was close to surrendering, she reached for my hand and told me, "we'll survive this together." 

I don't really recommend the date out put at the first sentence since that date was already included in the box-thingy below this paragraph that seemed like a cut part from a news of some sort. Anyway, do remove it, and do specify the exact date if you were to still include it. As for the second sentence, I think that you were correlating the bus ride with her turning point in life, so I changed the arrangement of the sentence, and that turned out. Nevertheless, I corrected the punctuations and proper capitalizations for this example, as well as the wrong tenses used.

(Original Version) Three survivors, and I was one of them. 

(Revised Version) There were three survivors, and I was one of them. 

I added a few words for this one, mainly because the thought wasn't complete. You should always complete your sentence, hence the revision. I do believe that the revision sounded better than the original version as well, though I'm not really requiring you to change anything.

Anyway, I would like to add the appearance of the foreword as well. I think that your credits' section would look better when the picture/banners were aligned at the center as well. You could just remove the link attached to those images and just link the shop below with a linked text. Other than that, you should also mind the unnecessary space, like the wide line-spacings.

 

Characterization

Character is doubly important when one considers the fact horror is a very subjective emotion. Some of us find the sight of blood horrifying, while others don’t. Some of us tremble and sweat at the slightest turbulence on an airplane, while others barely notice it. If you, as the author, can put the reader in the protagonist’s shoes, they should experience feelings of horror through empathy even if they themselves don’t find the object of the protagonist’s horror that scary or dreadful. Then there are the physiological changes that occur when confronted by danger, which some people enjoy-the adrenaline rush, the pounding heartbeat, the sweaty hands. For instance, the confrontation of the 'monster' and the two friends. In horror stories, explaining their emotions and elaborating their actions and whatnot are very much important. The way they feel should be really description in a way that the readers will be able to feel what the character is feeling. You did this part quite well. Good job!

For the individual assessment, well... Eunjung's character was understandable as well, though it was a pity that she let that monster take over her body at the end. She was a very reliable person though, and she really proved to be a good friend to Hyuna, though I kind of felt like she had minimal flaws on her. As for Hyuna, well she was my favorite character at the most part. She had a lot of flaws, yet the character execution that you did made it seem like she was real; as if she was an actual person in reality since her personality was relatable in real life. I viewed her as someone who is sensitive especially to those things or people that she values the most. I kind of got a bit wary of her reliance to Eunjung especially when the horror parts were introduced. Either way, the two of them really gave the story off, as their friendship was one to make one inspired.

 

Plot

For me, the story plot for horror stories and fictions are very much important? Why? Well, for one, it's very hard to follow the scenes through words. That's why most people prefer watching horror movies instead of just reading them through books. Seeing them with their own eyes makes people more... scared, don't you think? For one, horror story writers should be able to really stretch and go way beyond standard norms and reader comfort zones. You did that quite well to be honest. 

In all horror stories, there is a plot. Even in the most gruesome slasher stories, readers of the said stories would say that those stories have a plot. In stories like those, a complex plot much be present, which adds an element of hesitation and discussion of what is happening amongst the characters of the story, over just the simple plot. There are three parts that are important; onset, discovery, and confrontation. These three parts are present in your story, by the way. The onset is the part of the story where the readers learn of the monster or supernatural horror before the characters in the film do. The discovery is when the characters of the story learn of the monster or supernatural occurrence. Confrontation occurs when the characters in the stories decides to confront the monster or supernatural thing in an effort to stop it from destroying everything. The confrontation normally leads to the resolution where the characters either defeat the monster or thing, or it survives forever and waits for new victims. In the complex plot, the element of confirmation is added. Confirmation is when the characters in the story discuss the natural against the supernatural and decide if what is happening to them can be explained or not.

Again, all factors