"Living Lies"
(A Kindaichi Hajime X S.T. Aoyama Sho Crossover)

Author: YamieX

Main Characters: Kindaichi Hajime and Aoyama Sho

Genre: Drama, Mystery, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
When IQ 180 Top Detective Kindaichi Hajime meets the runaway S.T. Genius Profiler Aoyama Sho on his bicycle tour around Japan, their fates are tied together with lies and hidden secrets. When all is revealed, what would they learn and how will they be saved?

 

Note: I did this review for only 40 minutes so there might be errors here and there. T__T forgive me.
School is taking up so much time! And uh...I used my mobile phone so there will be some errors.

  Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

I really want to give this title a much higher grade but 'Living Lies' has been used as a title for so many times. It's not catchy, it's not a title that will make you say “Oh! What an interesting title! I must read this story!” It's exaggeration but you know what I mean, right? I am really picky when it comes to title since title is the first thing that will grab a reader's attention. A story with a boring title screams well...boring. If I did not have to review this story, I would not even glance at your story, not at all.

 

Graphics: 5/10

The poster is nice, but not nicely done. This poster is like a typical Japanese Detective show which I really did like except for some flaws. “A YamieX Story and Design” should be at the bottom, I believe. It just stands out to me. In a poster, the one that should stand out is the title and the characters in the story, not the ones who have made the story. Of course, it's crediting the creators but what are you selling here? You or your story?

The upper part is much preferable than the lower part of the poster. The lower part is just too simple, too simple that it looks like it is so random to be there as your poster. The background grabs my attention every now and then and that is not good. The one you want readers to focus on is your story, not your BG. It is just distracting me.

As for the poster you use for every chapter, I think this is much better than your main poster. The only problem with this is it is just too big. It seems like you are aiming for that movie poster effect. At first glance, you have succeeded but when I looked at your poster again, it looks like a dull poster to me. Nonetheless, I appreciate your efforts for this poster.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

I usually dislike character charts in a story. Yours is not an exception. The worse thing about this is, you have given too much details. As a reader, I would like to meet and know these characters based on my own understanding, not on how you have info-dumped their characterizations. Let the readers judge who they really are while providing them enough information. I would really like to know them as characters when I start reading your story. Honestly, I did not read this chart faithfully because it is too long and boring.

The pictures are also taking up so much space. It's kinda annoying for me who reads fanfictions using a mobile phone. I have to scroll down several times before I get to the bottom page. I also dislike the colorful fonts that you have used. It is such a pain in my eye. I have a very sensitive eyesight. Be considerate. Just use a neat font color and font size. Not too big, not too small.

There is nothing to say about your Foreword since it's all about crediting shops.

Well, a foreword is not only for author's notes and credits but it is also for you to give some sneak peek about your story. Be it like a quote, or like a short excerpt, anything to grab your readers' attention.

 

Characterization: 5/10

The characters, I hate to say this, but they are very annoying. Some of their acts are out of their characterization, either it means they are bipolar or you did not know plan them beforehand. Of course,it is the latter. That is why it is very important for you to plan your characters before you write. Or if you are not that into planning, try visualizing them into your mind and ask yourself if this is what they will really do.

This is what I really think about your characters: you are controlling them. Yes, you are the author and their fates are on your hands but characters are like children that need to grow. From the first chapter to the last chapter I have read, they did not improve that much. Sure, there are scenes that I could say they have progressed but most of the time, they have stayed what they were in the first chapters which is kind of disappointing since this story has a lot of potentials. As you write, watch your characters act on themselves. Don't worry if they surprised you. If they surprised you, well, then, that is good! That means they are growing up, not just by age but on how they decide.

Is it just me of the romance is just too forced? They have these moments where I just roll my eyes.

It's just too fast for my liking.

Also, I am having a problem with their internal voice. What do I mean by internal voice?

All characters (and real people for that matter) have a set of unspoken beliefs, which are a combination of all their life experiences. This voice inside their head not only provides a constant dialogue but will also influence a character’s reaction in any given situation. These particular “thoughts” are unconscious.

For example…

Perhaps your main character was brought up in a family environment that taught him or her that Chinese people were dishonest and could not be trusted. As your character has grown, he or she may have gone on to understand that this belief is wrong on an intellectual level, but it is ingrained and lies dormant nevertheless. This latent racist attitude makes up part of the character’s internal voice. The character may be aware that this unconscious view is racist. The character may not even consider himself or herself to be a racist.

You can see here how the backstory for this character can have him or her saying and believing he or she is not racist, yet acting in such a way that shows him or her to be one.

You say one thing and do another.

All of the characters in your book need a well-defined internal voice. You must map out the key influences on your characters. Therefore, the starting point to creating an internal voice for your characters is to create a backstory for each character.

The backstory is the character’s life history, a summary of all the key events and modes of thought which influence each one in a major way. In its simplest form, backstory is a list of beliefs the character holds, and, perhaps, the events that created these beliefs.

Only by understanding a character’s background can an author then begin to develop the character’s internal voice. The more complex the author’s understanding of a character’s background, the more real the character’s personality becomes.

Once you have spent time and effort creating a character profile, you will face a temptation. It must be overcome. Under no circumstances can you share the character profile with your reader.

You will feel the temptation to TELL the reader about the character’s internal thought processes and backstory.

You will want to explain to the reader why a character is acting in a certain way.

Let’s face it; you’ll want to show off and TELL the reader why your writing is so clever.

If you do, YOU LOSE!

You must resist. . . . At no point should the internal voice of your character spill onto the page. The internal voice is for you and your character. This secret must not be shared.

YOU, the author, must understand the reasoning behind every word and action of your characters, but you must never explain this reasoning to the reader.

The ultimate goal is to create a space between the character and the reader. You want your characters to speak and act in a way that is both truthful and logical but never explained by the narrator. In this Narrative Space the reader will fill in his or her own understanding of the character. The reader will, on an instinctive level, search to understand the character. (Remember what was said in the opening sections. Your brain is trained to give meaning to words and actions; it just can’t resist.)

This forces the reader to engage, to become part of the story. As their understanding grows as to your characters, via their words and actions, the reader will start to gain a deeper meaning. This deeper emotional truth will lift your novel to the next level.

The internal voice is the author’s secret weapon—the tool that the author will use to bring each character to life.

Each time you TELL the reader a nugget of the backstory via the narrator, and not in dialogue, the reader is pushed away.

Each time you give in to temptation and explain, the reader starts to turn off.