Calling for yaaaah

"They say myocarditis, I say egoism!"

Author: yaaaah

Main Characters: Tao and Kris (EXO)

Genre: Angst, Romance, Tragedy

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
They said Kris left because of myocarditis but Tao highly doubts it..

 

    From yeolwho05: I'm so sorry for the late review! I tried my best though~ Critique:

Story Title: 3.5/5

One of the major concerns of your title was the fact that it was stated in Tao's point-of-view. Correct me if I'm wrong though, but I do believe that it was from Tao's POV since he was the one who told Kris that he didn't have Myocarditis, but egoism. It contradicted with your story since your story was relayed through a third person's point of view. Now, what I do suggest is maybe change 'I say' to 'he says'. Another major concern was the capitalization. I understand that you probably typed it like that since it was in sentence form considering the exclamation point at the end; however, we're talking about  a story title here, and its capitalization has rules that one should follow. All in all, I suggest a title of: "They Say Myocarditis, He Says Egoism!" I don't think there's a need for the exclamation point as well, but that's your choice.

 

Graphics: 0/0

I will not be grading this section since you didn't have any poster nor a background. I do suggest getting them though. I have pretty much discussed this in your other review. You might think that graphics are important, when in fact, they are. Most readers tend to read a story due to a fancy poster. I know because I'm like that. Now, I'm not saying that I didn't like your story. It's just that with graphics, it would somehow seem like hardwork, wherein even though you didn't make the graphics yourself, or even if you did, it just goes that you worked hard in order to make your story as presentable as you can. I do suggest requesting from graphic shops. There are a lot of them here in AFF, and I'm pretty sure that they'd be more than willing to do the job for you.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

I'm quite disappointed with this chapter mainly because of the lack of text, though maybe it's just me. I'm a bit skeptical with your description as well. It was too short; though making it too long would ruin the element of surprise for your one-shot. It still came out as intriguing for me though, but I still felt like there's something lacking, though maybe it's just me. Maybe if you added a bit of a sneak peek at your foreword, then that might do the job. It was just plainly boring for me, no offense. Before I proceed with the elaboration of that 'boringness', here's a little improvement I made with your description. I found some errors, and made my own revision. I'm not forcing you to change anything though.

(Original Version) They said Kris left because of myocarditis but Tao highly doubts it.

(Improved Version) They said that Kris left because of Myocarditis, but Tao highly doubts it.

I added a subordinating conjunction of 'that' before the word 'Kris' in order to support the clause. I also put a comma before the coordinating conjunction 'but'. Contending that the coordinating conjunction is adequate separation, some writers will leave out the comma in a sentence with short, balanced independent clauses (such as we see in the example just given). If there is ever any doubt, however, use the comma, as it is always correct in this situation. Here's a little side note though: One of the most frequent errors in comma usage is the placement of a comma after a coordinating conjunction. We cannot say that the comma will always come before the conjunction and never after, but it would be a rare event, indeed, that we need to follow a coordinating conjunction with a comma. When speaking, we do sometimes pause after the little conjunction, but there is seldom a good reason to put a comma there.

As for the 'boring' part that I was saying earlier, well here it goes. Your main page consisted of a brief description of the story which contained a single sentence; followed by two sentences of which are considered as an author's note. Commonly, we place character charts and brief summaries in the description section. There's no doubt about that. However, to be formal, we put the author's note, the credits, the acknowledgments, etc. in the foreword section. All of this is for us to be organized. Now, I suggest organizing them by putting them in their rightful places. You can also put labels like author's note and credits to make things clear. I also suggest putting something like an article to make your main page look interesting; something like an online article saying that Kris left all of a sudden and that a lot of fans have went from normal to hysterical. You could also put the rumors of his leave there. This is to make your main page less dull. Trust me, this will help... hopefully.

 

Characterization: 7.5/10

One of the things that I loved in your story is the way you call them as, for instance, 'the rapper', 'the lover-boy', 'the leader', etc. It sounded enticing for me, and that fact that I was able to related with those name-calling/nicknames was good. However, the bad side was that how would those readers who have no idea of the situation will react? Moreover, not all readers here are aware of this incident. Some might have forgotten it already, though I highly doubt it. I have reviewed a story with this plot as well a month ago, I think, and I would just like to repeat what I've said before. Putting up a story like this specifies an specific market; and that is, EXO stans. There are some readers here who are not fans of EXO, and they'd most probably skip your story when they read it, specially when you name them as 'the rapper' and such since they'd have a hard time figuring out who is who. Still, it sounded really enticing, though I would've liked it better if you sometimes call them with their actual names to avoid further confusion.

My first impression of the story was that this was typically based on reality. Sadly, I don't think it's not, considering that there's a slight scene at the end. I don't know if it's already called '' at that part, but there was a confession, so let's just leave it at that. This is also what I wanted to discuss with you. If you're not 100% basing it on true events, state it in your  author's note at your foreword. That is to warn your readers in advance. That is the use of your main page; to state all you want to state before your readers read your story, and to warn them, for example, if your story might contain M-rated scenes and such. Normally, authors do that, and it's quite helpful.

Now, let's go back to the part. I wasn't actually expecting some romance in this story. I though you'd focus mainly on Kris' leave, so I got a bit surprised when I read further. Tao and Kris' relationship was thoroughly explained though. Their close relationship was explicitly stated. I have no issues on that whatsoever. I could also understand how badly he reacted when Kris left the group. In addition to that, he had feelings for the latter, so it just sums it up. I would've liked it if his emotions were further explored, like a more detailed description of his emotions and whatnot, since the story kind of focused on his reactions to Kris' actions. Furthermore, you could've explained his thoughts regarding the Myocarditis that Kris, supposedly, had. I mean, why exactly did he not believe in it? Was it because he thought that Kris was lying just to leave the group? Or was it because he just didn't believe it? I would've loved to read some elaboration on that part. You did explain it though, but it wasn't enough to explore Tao's emotions. You just said that the only reason the leader left was because of his dispute with SM about his acting career. But was that all there is? That way, we, as readers, would've reached out to his emotions and somehow rela