Calling for Lhyric

"Kiss of the Hummingbird"

Author: Lhyric

Main Characters: Sehun and Luhan

Genre: Angst and Romance

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
All his life, Sehun defines happiness as being looked up upon, successful, admired, accepted by everyone. He could never be fully happy unless he achieves perfection, and although he's been told many times that nobody is perfect, he is willing to try anyway.
But at just 18 years of age, he is diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer, and everything in his life just seems to come crashing down. To him, another day alive means he is dangerously becoming more of a timed bomb. He wants his lungs to stop grappling with the illness and just give up, like he already did. He wants to stop breathing. He wants it to end.
And then - like a page right out of a romance novel - he meets Luhan, and in him, Sehun finally finds solace and love. It's okay if no one else understands, because as long as they are in each other's arms, all seems fine with the world. That's all that should matter. Isn't it?

  From yeolwho05: I'm so sorry. I wasn't able to handle this request as I got busier, so instead of leading you on [?], I decided to transfer it to another reviewer. I hope that's fine with you. :) Critique:

Story Title: 3.5/5

It’s interesting for sure, and I would say that in terms of originality, I’d say that it’s up there. The reason for this is actually using the word Hummingbird. When we think of that type of bird, we know they’re fleeting, flying off quickly and always in the hurry to get to other places, that they don’t stay long. That being said, your title gives off a nostalgic feel and almost an angst feel, and I find that delightful. However even so, it’s not the type of title that would pull in a reader at the first glance, in fact it seems almost too wishful that there’s nothing that stands out in the title at all.  

 

Graphics: 9/10

The mist like quality as well at the blending on the poster is really well done. It connects with how the story so far from what I can gauge is nostalgic once again and had a sad aura to it. The only stickler I really have about this poster is the fact that the title is so small. I’m talking about the English one here. I’m just saying, the fact that a lot readers on here on AFF (we have to admit) speak as well as talk and read English having the title in Korean take up the poster doesn’t do much for the readers. ;-; Especially if people can’t speak Korean or anything like that, I mean sure it looks nice but you gotta keep in mind who is your target audience? It’d make sense to make the English title stand out more don’t you think? Other than that, I really like it. 

 

Description and Foreword: 8/10

The description is neatly laid out and I love the fact that you gave your own definition of Hummingbirds in a way that it connects right back to the title. (Small side note you might want to add a period at the end of “fearlessly” just saying.)

Now onto the actual description of the story, I don’t find any grammar mistakes in it which is really awesome because good grammar really does aid in a story’s flow as well as plot. However I feel like the description basically summarizes the story and doesn’t leave much else up to the imagination. Because of that, I feel like it ruins the story since it seems somewhat predictable now. 

Anyways, the only thing is the first line in which you say “All his life, Sehun defines happiness as being looked up upon, successful admired, accepted by everyone.” While it’s fine, because you’re listing more than one thing you might want to rearrange it so it’s something like:
“All his life, Sehun defines happiness as being looked up upon: successful, admired, and accepted by everyone.”

In addition to that there’s a line that says “To him, another day alive means he is dangerously becoming more of a timed bomb.” It seems a bit awkward to read and doesn’t make sense at first. I believe it’s because he can’t really become more of anything so instead maybe explain it in other words such as:
“To him, another day alive me