Calling for chococandycraze

"Hello Stranger"

Author: chococandycraze

Main Characters: Jiyoung (Kara), Sehun and Kai (EXO)

Genre: Fluff, Friendship, Romance, Schoollife

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Maybe when you're too comfortable with the label 'best friend'.
You won't know that you are actually in love with them.
Being in love with someone who doesn't even look at you isn't the worst thing that could happen.
It almost like - that kind of exhale, where you haven't been rejected yet,
although you pretty much know how it's going to turn out.

    Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

I don't really fancy the title. It's too common here on Asianfanfics. That's pretty much evident after searching that title in Google. Despite that, the title suited the story itself as they met as strangers in a very awkward situation. The ending of the story held some connection with the title as well. Overall, the title was fine, though it was too typical and it didn't really gave off that much appeal. 

 

Description and Foreword: 6.5/10

Appearance-wise, I don't think it looks appealing. The poem, which was supposed to be the first thing that a reader must see as she scrolls down, wasn't that much appearable. It was in a very light and dull color. The quotes, which were in a relatively larger font size if I may add, were more noticeable that the description itself. Moreover, the font styles used weren't that much of a help as well. Try to minimize your font colors to simple black, and try to level your font sizes with the level of importance. Mind the unnecessary spaces as well. A perfect example for that was the character chart. It involved too much space for a single picture only. Normally, I don't prefer character charts, but it's definitely your choice whether you want to remove it or not. Those pictures seemed pointless for me, but then again, it didn't do any damage. Maybe you could just style it up a bit and try to put them in the same line to prevent those unnecessary spaces. Try to put some effort on the author's note as well. Put up a font style for it and arrange it in an appealing way. The appearance of your main page affects the probability of a person to read your story.

Anyway, below are original versions or exerpts from your story. I decided to put up a revised version to help you determine what is right and what is wrong. It helps to compare as well. I also provided brief explanations after each illustration. The same format goes with the grammar and writing style section as well. Anyway, here they are:

(Original Version)
A girl adored by so many but feels alone….
A boy who has everything but wants just one thing….
An unexpected meeting at a foreign country
A mere coincidence or a written destiny?

(Revised Version)
A girl who was adored by so many yet she felt alone...
A boy who had everything yet wanted just one thing...
An unexpected meeting occured at a foreign country.
Would it be a mere coincidence or a written destiny?

Actually, this description was good. It was in a poem format, and it sounded good in my ears. It got me intrigued as well, and that's a very good thing as there are many that probably got that as well. I would've preferred if it held much words though. For example, the first two lines pertained to a boy and a girl, so I assumed that the third line would be somewhat related to the first two lines, seeing how it was cut through an ellipsis. Morever, there were grammatical errors present. I just corrected the grammatical errors though, but I'm not that much proud of the changes. For instance, the ellipsis should be composed of only three consecutive dots; not four. They were only phrases. Anyway, I completed those thoughts, as seen at my revised version.

(Original Version) “Let’s just keep it this way, not knowing each other’s name is much more interesting right?”

(Revised Version) “Let’s just keep it this way. Not knowing each other’s names is much more interesting, right?”

There were minor grammatical errors for this one. This example involved a run-on sentence. I decided to separate the two independent clauses instead. I also provided the proper punctuation marks and whatnot.

(Original Version) “Plus, maybe in the future we’ll meet again. If that happens, we’ll introduce ourselves properly and we’ll start again like how people normally meet each other”

(Revised Version) “Plus, maybe in the future we’ll meet again. If that happens, we’ll introduce ourselves properly and start again like how people normally meet each other.”

There were minor grammatical errors for this one. First of all, there was no period at the end of the second sentence. There was a bit of a redundacy as well. Secondly, this example was connected with the first quote. I'm pretty much sure that the same person said those quotes. Furthermore, it would be weird if those two lines were relayed separately considering that the second quote began with 'Plus'. I hope you get what I mean though. Relevance-wise, I can't remember these lines from any of the chapters present. My apologies if they were present though. If they really weren't present, then I advise you to remove them since they would come off as false statements.

 

Characterization: 5/10

I didn't find that much traits in Taeyeon and Baekhyun's personality. I'm not even sure if your characters were told directly or indirectly because of the lack of descriptions. I can't say that the characterization is direct since you didn't tell the readers of what a character is like in a direct way (ex: Baekhyun was strong). It came off more indirectly but you didn't depict your characters by they actions, speech or thoughs too much. From what I've read, it was more of in a indirect way, but I'm not that sure. Taeyeon's character was hard to determine especially since her personality masked her cautiousness.

There were a lot of things that your story lacked in this section. First of all, you didn't elaborate their appearance nor their manner. For example, in chapter one, Taeyeon was walking on the streets when Baekhyun suddenly grabber her, right? From there, you could've described her clothes to emphasize how she clothed herself in order for the passerbys to not notice her. Secondly, you focused more on dialogues instead of describing the setting, the surroundings, not the characters' actions. Describing their characters are important so that their personalities are more revealed. 

What I do like is how you gave nicknames for the both of them. Those nicknames kind of related to their personalities, though it also came weird for me as those nicknames were given when they slept together on one room because of the leaked water. It was a bit weird for them to call each other with those nicknames though, but they were cute. I just hoped that they called each other with their names, even if it only happened once.

I also have to question the last chapter. It seemed like Baekhyun never knew of Taeyeon's real name. It was weird since the two of them hung out together and got to know each other better, yet Taeyeon still didn't tell him her name. It was a bit questionable since that would mean that she didn't trust him enough to tell him her real name. Maybe it's just me, but I'm positive that if she really trusted him, then she would've told him her name.

 

Plot: 20/40

I'm very sorry for the low grade, but I think it was appropriate since the plot seemed too cliche. I've read multiple stories with the same plot, with the same characters as well. The plot didn't seem that strong, too. I didn't find anything special as well not the twists and cliffhangers. Taeyeon leaving for London from stress is a given, but her reasons didn't seem very solid for me. For instance, she left because of the stress, right? I just think that a lot of idols had experienced those, even before debuting, so I don't think her stress is effective. As a leader, she should've known the consequences of her actions, so I think a leader wouldn't do something like that, especially one to venture alone in a foreign country where there's a high risk of her being discovered. She might have done that because of too much stress though, but I wanted a more solid reason. Either way, it might only be me.

For chapter two, I noticed that the caretaker asked Baekhyun if it was okay to sleep in another tenant's room. It was a bit weird. As much typical this scene is, I just couldn't help but question the absurd situation. I mean, a tenant wouldn't ask a custom