"Don't you like you?"

Author: exopanda

Main Characters: GOT7's Mark Tuan

Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship

Status: Completed

Description of Story: As Mark goes to school and realised that people try so hard to fit in. And when a girl almost died in front of his eyes, he's torn between the reality of life and fantasy. Are we this judging about people? We tried so hard to fit in when someone out there is willing to befriend you for who you are.

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

To be honest, I thought that your title was grammatically incorrect from the first time I read it, mainly because of the two "you"s used, but then, it was good that you explained why you entitled your story with that. I didn't actually figure out that it was in one of Colbie Colliat's songs. I mean, normally, one would ask "Do you like yourself?" instead, but yeah. I guess I'm kind of neutral with your title. I've researched it in Google and no other story had the same title as yours, so I guess it was original enough, though in basic terms, it wasn't really that original. On the other hand, it was really relevant with the story. It had made even more sense once I read your description. Normally, I don't like titles in question form, but your title did make sense, so it was fine. If ever, I think you should correct the capitalization of your title. You should capitalize the first word of the title, the last word of the title, and all nouns, pronouns, verbs, adverbs, adjectives, subordinating conjunctions, and a few conjunctions. Prepositions are only capitalized if they are used adjectivally or adverbially. The infinitive "to," coordinating conjunctions, and articles are also lowercased, too. Overall, it should be: "Do You Like You?"

 

Graphics: 7/10

Somehow, I could relate your graphics with your story description. You did say that he was torn between the reality of life and fantasy. The reflection effect that your poster had kind of reflected that thought as well, which was good; however, I didn’t quite feel the contrast. I mean, if you did mean to present as with a contrast thingy with the poster, I think it would’ve been better if there were major differences through both sides. Like, for instance, if the left side had portrayed reality, then maybe convey the Mark’s character through that, and then the other with fantasy, if you get what I mean.

If that’s not what you meant though, then… Uh. I guess, I just couldn’t really understand the poster? It did look like a shattered mirror though, but it didn’t really say something about the story either. The editing was fine though, and it didn’t look like hastily done. I guess what I expected was a poster that truly and entirely depicted the story wholly. Oh, and it would’ve been better if you had a background picture attached as well. To be honest, the page looked really dull once you scroll down.

 

Description and Foreword: 8.5/10

I totally loved your description. It was nice enough to start if off with an excerpt from Colbie Calliat’s song, and it did explain where you got the idea of the story. The short description, on the other hand, was short, yet simple. It explained the story briefly – not much less, but not too much. You didn’t tell us too much as well, and you certainly didn’t spoil us with the twists that you had within the story itself. The lay-out and the fonts were organized as well, and the page looked really nice and well-managed, if you ask me.

I have no other issue other than the grammar of the description, I guess. Oh, and I also noticed that there was a confusion with the point of view used in that description. For the first sentence, a third person’s point of view was used, hence the pronoun ‘he.’ On the following sentences though, like the “Are we this judging about people?” question, I think it sounds like it was in a first person’s point of view, as if the speaker was asking us – the readers – that question. It was questionable, especially since you used the pronoun “we.” You were including the speaker and the readers as one in the subject of the sentence.

Anyway, here was my revision:

(Original Version) As Mark goes to school and realised that people try so hard to fit in. And when a girl almost died in front of his eyes, he’s torn between the reality of life and fantasy. Are we this judging about people? We tried so hard to fit in when someone out there is willing to befriend you for who you are.

(Revised Version) As Mark went to school and realized that people tried so hard to fit in, and when a girl had almost died in front of his eyes, he became torn between the reality of life and fantasy. Were people really that judging? They tried so hard to fit in when someone out there was willing to befriend them for who they were.

The tenses were quite inconsistent, in my opinion, so I made it consistent throughout and settled with past tense. If you do want to state your description in present tense, then you may do so, but do remember to stay as consistent as possible, and to only change the tense to another only when necessary.

I’m not sure if you had read my previous reviews, but if you did, then you’ll notice that I don’t prefer starting sentences with coordinating conjunctions since I find it grammatically incorrect. You can, however, us them to start those sentences, but at least make sure that it depicts suspense. If not, then I think it’s best to just combine it with the previous sentences, like the example on your description. Don’t you think that it’s easier to just combine the two independent clauses into one sentence?

 

Characterization: 6.5/10

I had a problem understanding your characters since you didn’t really elaborate their personalities. Elements of fiction and elements of story in general can be used by the reader to increase their enjoyment and understanding of different literary pieces. For instance, their actions don’t really tell me a lot. I mean, since your story’s angst, I expected more meaningful actions and such, as if to say, “Actions are better than words.” Their appearance wasn’t that all out as well. I mean, you did say the Mark had an untucked shirt and a loose tie, but apart from that, how did he look? If he was rich indeed, then did he flaunt it? Did he wear an expensive watch, or even a mere, expensive handkerchief?

As for Amy, how did she dress as well? I remember her heavy make-up and such, but yeah, I wish you explained how she dressed herself as well. Did she dress like those ty girls, too? If so, then how different was she from them, if ever? In Mark’s eyes, how exactly was she different? In general as well – in the eyes of other people – how did she look? I wanted to know things like these, especially since a third person’s point of view was used. That only give you freedom to focus on individual characteristics of your characters.

Other Examples:

He glared at the nurse and ran his fingers through his hair. There weren’t any students who witnessed the scene since they were at the canteen.

This was quite straight-forward for my liking. I mean, you said the he glared at the nurse and ran his fingers through his hair, but how exactly did he feel? It did look like he was frustrated, but how frustrated was he? You should try to deepen the emotions exerted; after all, this is an angst story that we’re talking about here. It goes with the unity of the characters and his actions as well. Remember that the character must be credible. If the character changes then the change must be shaped by events which the author is obligated to explain how they impacted to create the character's change. Stories with main character change.

The sudden addition of topic didn’t help as well; it didn’t help that the students wasn’t able to witness that scene. I mean, you were talking about Mark’s feelings; why bring up the students all of a sudden?

Another example:

Mark sighed and decided to skip school. He had a headache and it’s bad for him. He called his chauffeur and waited by the gates.

Again, you were too straight-forward. If he had a headache, then where did it probably come from? Why was it bad for him? Did it have something to do with his richness or something? Did he have a sickness or something? I didn't see to catch the point of that headache as well. It wasn't like what happened before was too severe. In fact, he just had a mere talk with Amy. It seemed as if it was a usual scene for him too. Shouldn't he be used to it now? In fact, I deem reactions like his heart breaking or something more believable than the headache. As such, if you do want to say that he had a headche because of too many thoughts flooding his head, then do say so. It's pretty hard for a reader to assume things herself. It's better if you clear things up yourself instead of the other way around.

Yet Another Example:

His locker was changed into a new one, and he also won’t want to pay for the new locker again.

Aside from the fact that there was, again, a lack of explanation at this point, I was confused as to why Mark didn’t want to pay for a new locker. I mean, why? For all I know, he was as rich as heck, based from the information that you gave us from his father’s company and such.

In addition to that, I was also curious if his father had long established his company even before Mark was born. I mean, how exactly were they rich? If so, had Mark been fed with a silver spoon his entire life? It seemed so based on my gut feeling, but if so, then please indicate that as well. You don’t have to be that specific though. This is just me, being a very tedious business student. I just want to clear things out since there is a difference between a person who was poor before then suddenly got rich. There are also people who were rich from the very beginning until the end. In addition to that, there are people who were poor before then got richer and cockier – or boastful – as time passed by. This has something to do with Mark’s father as well as his character was confusing, too.

 

Plot: 30/40

First of all, I think the plot wasn’t that original. At first, I thought that the story would be very emotional, but it kind of turned out as a cliché story. I mean, I didn’t expect a rich Mark who every girl seemed to love. The typical rich, male character had a strict father that likes to disown his children as well, which – if I might add – confused me since that issue wasn’t resolved whatsoever. I don’t know if the plot was just lacking or just plainly needed a sequel. Nonetheless, there were a lot of questions left unsolved.

Other than that, there were also confusing things here and there. Here’s an example:

“Realizing that the girl who got confessed to before