Calling for jasdg22

"Torn"

Author: jasdg22

Main Characters: Kai/Jongin, Suho, Yixing, Sehun, Luhan, and Chanyeol

Genre: Friendship, Romance, Schoollife

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Suho had no idea that in the past year, Yixing had a huge liking for him, but despite the secret letters he would send to Suho's locker, Suho would not acknowledge them, since at that time, the pale-skinned man had already a special someone, his close friend, Jongin, which Yixing is clueless about. The next year, he gave up about it, but his hopes are high again when he finally meets Jongin, which is the scenario that Suho completely witnessed, as this created a big tension among the two, especially when Yixing's identity is slowly being opened up and Jongin has no idea what's going on, but Sehun, Jongin's best friend, who has a very keen pair of eyes, knows everything. Who will win Jongin's heart? Will the situation get more complicated? Find out!

 

    Critique:

Story Title: 2/5

As far as titles go, upon first glance I knew that I wouldn’t even pause scrolling pass it had I seen it in a search. A title is a story’s first impression. People make a first impression with appearance, wardrobe and body language. Stories do it with a title, that's why titles are extremely important. A title creates anticipation and expectation or, perhaps, disinterest. Often the title is what will determine whether or not someone reads a story. The title of a story is the first contact that a potential reader makes with your story. A good title is paramount to grabbing people's attention and, most importantly, making them remember it. You do not want something too generic or too bland. Sadly, ‘Torn’ was both. On searching, I found many other fics with the exact same title and even more so with the word in various combinations.

But. Thankfully in this dark cloud there was in fact a silver lining, the theme is transparent in the title and related to the main dilemma of your main character. However, as far as potential goes, a better title could’ve possibly garnered you a larger reader base. Also, currently it sounds a bit angsty, which, upon reading I found that the story is not. At least not yet.

 

Graphics: 4/10

The posters, backgrounds, or any other pictures used in a story are the first things a reader sees once s(he) clicks the ‘read more’ link. Meaning, a poster is much like the makeup you use to beautify the story: done well, people will look and keep looking; done badly, people will turn away and never look back. In this case, I’m sorry but it’s closer to the second option. Also, thematically, it was simple - almost too simple. From the looks of it, it felt though the story was about Kai being torn between the rest of the guys. And the pair of eyes in the bottom of the octagon was… I don’t really know what it symbolized.

Over all the poster was badly executed and I believe just by asking a poster shop you could get a more stimulating poster. I myself am the victim of the unattractive poster crisis and I suggest you rush yourself to a good poster shop this minute. The chapter pics were a good idea though.

You could use: [Click the shop's name to get redirected.]
SugaDooly Graphics & Review Shop
Spellbound Poster and Review Request Shop 2.0
Heartbreak Shop
They are open at the moment and go a wonderful job at posters.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

You wrote a good description and foreword. The description gave us brief information on the relationship dynamics of the mains and a bit of the conflict. But it didn’t reveal anything else. So that was good.

Next your foreword was set like a poem which makes it interesting. Again you highlighted the relationship (or the love lines) but added a twist: there’s more to the story than the three characters mentioned in the description. Also the added guys in the poster then made me curious… curious about their role.

You mentioned that English wasn’t your first language and I reading this I have to commend on your skills. You expressed it well, in simple words, but well. Congratulation! Although I do have a question, what did you mean by the following line in the description? That part wasn’t very clear. “If situations grow through,”

 

Characterization: 4/10

For characterisation you did spend quite a bit of time in dialogues, but, portraying them by only one definer. All the characters have only one side, making them flat and 1 dimensional.

Suho: The kind sunbae with feelings for Jongin - the valedictorian type.
Chanyeol: The observant friend type
Sehun: The JEALOUS, observant friend type.
Lay: The naive prince mesmerised by the damsel type. Shy
Chen: The observant friend type, prototype 3 - with a side of dorky
Luhan: The observant friend type prototype 4 – with a hidden selfish streak (I know it’s coming soon)

So as you can see, your characterisation is flat and lifeless, especially the friend bucket. I think it would be worth a try to inject them with other different characteristics to differentiate them even though they all follow the same archetype. I know the criticism may seem strict but sincerely hope that you can see it in the constructive mind that I say it.

 

Plot: 18/10

A love tri, no, more like a pentagon I think considering the addition of Key as a villain, is not a plot that will earn you a lot of complements as a writer for it is neither original nor fresh. In fact, it is one of the most clichéd plots out there, not only among older published writer but also many authors here in AFF. As it stands at the moment, it is not different in any way from the other stories except for your extension of Luhan’s char