Calling for Theangelvampire

"A fiancee's problem"

Author: Theangelvampire

Main Characters: Kris, Jing (OC), Kai, jaeyoung (OC), Hongbin, Jayleen (OC)

Genre: Angst, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Master bedroom, kitchen, basically every single space in this luxury apartment was shared yet divided. The barrier, even when they sleep, was present.
Her mornings were filled with silence, the only noises were the whirring sounds of the coffee machine while she prepares breakfast for him.
Her smiles are always returned with cold, silent stares.
Those afternoons, where she kindly prepares lunch to bring to his office, were all futile efforts to please him.
The strong scent of alcohol he brought back on most nights did not succeed in covering the smell of perfume wafting from his jacket.
This is her life as Kris' fiancee.
Bitter laughs. Fiancee?
More like a maid.
In this relationship, Jing tries her best but never receives any sweetness in return.
In this relationship, it's all about patience.
And a person's patience has it's limits.  

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

As far as titles go I really like yours. Not only is it unique and catchy, it also tells us immediately what to expect. When I looked at it in the request, I’d instantly had the image of a frustrated woman trying to please her fiancé while stuck in an unhappy arrangement. All this, just from the title. So kudos on a title well picked.

However, stepping away from the cloud of positives, I must point out that while it acts as an indication of what the story is about it conversely presents the question, so what? I mean on a bad day when a reader sees the title they might be inclined to think ‘Big whup! So it’s a story about a girl struggling to win her oppa’s heart. Why should I bother?’. Okay, that simulation sounded mean. Anyway, the point I’m trying to get at is that in being too precise, you have lost the air of mystery.

Still, it’s the perfect lure for people who enjoy angst-ridden romances. Hehe. 

 

Graphics: 6/10

You have a pretty poster. It’s clean and the whitish wash gives it the backdrop of looking out a big French-window into the family garden on a warm spring day – but, is that the type of image you wanted to project? I mean shouldn’t it feel suffocating and frustrating rather than peaceful? Light angst is the genre here yet I felt so at ease when I looked at the image. Then when I proceeded to read the description in context to the image, it seemed a tad bit too peaceful. Anyway, ditching the feel of the story I liked the poster. But, why is Kai so visible when Kris has been faded in? It makes me wonder if it was a conscious request to the graphics artist or a mere coincidence. Hmmm. I’m curious now.

 

Description and Foreword: 7.5/10

Your description was short but nicely presented. It encompassed the basic relationship dynamics and feelings of the female lead Jing with who the reader is meant to identify. I felt bad for her and didn’t like Kris for treating her this way but also, by the ending sentence you had introduced the complications that might potentially come our way. Her patience is running thin, and the presence of Kai in the poster makes me suspect adultery among other things to come out in the chapters. Now if I’m right, you might have over hinted, if not, congratulations on hooking me enough for thinking up potential outcomes from the first read. :)

In your foreword you simply introduced your characters and thank you for leaving any real description out that would’ve spoilt the surprise. Honestly, presenting all the characters did spoil the surprise which I might’ve felt when I found them in the chapter – I’m talking about Kai, Hongbin and JaeYoung since they seem like they’d have important roles in the story. Okay was unavoidable but for Hongbin and JaeYoung you could’ve put in their pics later and introduced them on a later date after they’d made their entrance in the story. Still, it’s your choice and I’m not going to complain too much.

Other than these, I found some small issues in the foreword and I’ve tried to remedy them below.

(Original)
The barrier, even (when) they (sleep), was present. > [(i) It’s not incorrect but sounds awkward. (ii) Wrong tense]

(Correction)
The barrier, even as they slept, was present.

(Improvement)
The barrier present, even as they slept.

(Original)
Her mornings were filled with silence(,) the only noises were the whirring sounds of the coffee machine while she prepares breakfast for him. > [comma-splice]

(Correction)
Silence;

(Original)
(Bitter laughs.) Fiancée? > [The wording feels awkward since it sounds like the special effects in a manga.]

(Correction)
 Laughing bitterly, ‘Fiancée?’

(Original)
And a person's patience has (it's) limits. > [no apostrophe]

(Correction)
Its

This was basically all. You might be confused by the grade and think it’s too poor in comparison to the critique, but I grade this section with utmost strictness since it’s the first look a potential reader has to the story and by extension your writing. It’s a measure of your skill and hence must be flawless.  

 

Characterization: 4/10

Okay, from this section onwards I’m afraid I’ll have to be as cold and heartless as your story’s main lead, so I hope you’ll read it in the same way.

The characters of a story are the possibly the second most important aspect of the actual content of a story, falling second only to the plot. Why? Because it deals with the people the plot is happening to. If the characters are not up to par, why would anyone care what happens to them in the story? They wouldn’t. Meaning, you’d lose readers.

So this is what characterization is all about: The detailed scheming out of the traits, habits and interactions of the people in the story with respect to themselves and those around them.

In this case, since the story is only just beginning I’ll not be looking at all the since they are obviously not talked about much. So as it stands, the important characters you’ve highlighted are Kris, Jing, Mr. Wu, Mr. Lin and JaeYoung. I’m not including HongBin, JaeLeen and Tao since they are obviously posse and Kai’s just barely made his appearance. So each character has 2 points allocation each.

So starting from the top, Kris – hmm, his character has been written surprisingly sympathetically. Honestly, if anything, his behaviour to Jing appears all too honourable since his engagement to her was enforced by his father and although he had wanted to do nothing with her, he was forced to be with her. If given the option, he seems like he’d never enter the apartment, but he has no choice. Also, the scene with JaeYoung was a good show to demonstrate this. I liked how you, even if briefly, made him think to himself that he’d have to be harsh and straight so that Jing doesn’t misunderstand the position of their relationship. He was aptly sharp so good going!  (2/2)

Jing – This girl left a very bitter after taste in my mouth. I hope that the way you let the others treat her was intentional and not because of lack of skill on your part because I’m not sure if I’ll continue to feel sorry for her anymore. She has always been treated like a bargaining chip, from what I see in what you’ve written, so why is this a surprise to her? Women have been in the same predicament as her (or worse) since the Joseon era or the Meiji era or basically any pre-revolution era. They were unhappy, but the treatment was