Calling for sapphire_22

"Portal System"

Author: sapphire_22

Main Characters: Luhan, Sehun and Xiumin

Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship, Romance,

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
"From once the picture of tinkling laughter and clumsy love, the now had turned into nothing but a trail of footsteps leading towards the path of sorrow."

        Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

I haven't really crossed paths with a title like yours, to be honest. Maybe I had, but in angst stories, there are rare titles like yours. My first impression of your story was that is was sci-fi. Unfortunately, I was wrong. In my opinion though, in a sense, that might be disadvantageous for you since your story might get mistaken by a lot of readers; maybe not a lot, but some. Moreover, this kind of ruins the anticipation that might built up amongst your potential readers as they might give their time to try your story out when all they wanted to read was a sci-fi/fantasy-type of story than an angst one. However, your title was a bit relevant to the story as it was kind of related to time and the timing of Hunhan. On the bad side, I don't think 'Portal System' is the right title for this story. It just sounds too sci-fi. As much deep as your title is, you should never make a title that would confuse your readers. Moreover, it wasn't really that attracting. If I were to recommend a title, I would say 'Hourglass' since it was really meaningful in the story. I know. 'Hourglass' is not the most enticing and original title our there, but it clearly says a lot already. The word itself has an angst feeling on it, and to top it off, it was really really, and I mean really, relevant to the story. However, it's your choice. I'm not really pushing your or whatever.

 

Graphics: 4/10

I really feel bad for this chapter, but since you chose to include all section for this review, then I guess I'll just have to include this in the over-all grading. Your graphics weren't really the best. It didn't really stood out either. At first glance, I was already turned off. No offense though. I think you were the one who designed the poster? Anyway, I'm very sorry, but graphics are an important factor in a story as well, especially for this fanfiction site as this site offers a relatively larger place for posters than the other sites. Now, the symbolism present in your poster was evident. That's one point. However, as much relevant and symbolized your poster is, you should always make it attractable, because readers are normally attracted to eye-catching graphics. That's a sad reality, yes, but we should always consider them. As for the characters, well, Sehun's picture was way too adjusted. Moreover, the HunHan chemistry wasn't really evident through the poster. The quote written below it was lovely as well, but the font and the placement wasn't that attractive as well. Besides, that quote stood out more than the title itself. You should always emphasize the title first.

As for the background, it wasn't the best background, though the color scheme matched the poster's. However, it would've been better if the background and the poster totally complemented each other, in a way that they both look like they were designed together. Anyway, I suggest requesting from a graphics shop. There are a lot of graphics shops out there, and I'm pretty sure that they'd be more than willing to do the job for you.

 

Description and Foreword: 4.5/10

I'm not really sure if the picture placed in your description was your brief summary of the story or simply a quote. I do believe that it was only a quote though considering the quotation marks placed in between them. Nevertheless, it irritated me. The speed of the text movements were too slow for my liking. If you try reading it with that speed, it would really lag you through your speech, and yeah; it was really irritating. Moreover, there was a relatively large space after that image. You should avoid putting unnecessary spaces like that, though there are certain instances wherein they look good, or so I think.

I don't think there was a brief summary indicated. I'd love it if there was though. A short, brief summary is what readers normally look for when they get interested with the story; which is why whe text and the quotes you put on your main page are important. The font styles and colors are important as well. For instance, the light graying color you used for those quotes on your foreword made them a bit unreadable within a normal distance. I had to squint closer in order to read them. You should avoid those instances. You should always aim to make your readers feel comfortable whilst taking their time in reading your story. Other than that, there were slight grammatical errors in those quotes as well. You should correct them even if they were only minor errors. I'll give credit to those quotes/dialogues or whatever they are since they really sound pleasing to my ears.

 

Characterization: 7.5/10

I wish you elaborated Luhan's intention/s though. For instance, when he decided to ignore Sehun because of his uality or whatever going to public, you could've stated that he got slightly selfish and whatnot that Luhan though deeply of what his popularity would be after his relationship with Sehun allegedly gets out of hand. Moreover, you portrayed Luhan's character poorly. He was a bit like a damsel in distress. He didn't really show that much strength in the story. To be honest, I only thought of his cries and sorrow. It got a bit too much that I felt like he was too over-dramatic. Me not fully understanding love might have played a role on that part, but yeah. In my opinion, Luhan should've showed more of his strength in the story since he shouldn't really cry all the time. He should learn to step up and maybe fight for what he truly wants. He did though, right? However, it wasn't enough. He came out too pathetic to me, though that's not really deducted from the characterization and plot of the story as this is only what came across my mind after reading your story.

In addition to that, I preferred Sehun's character more that Luhan's. At the very least, he fought for what he wanted and gave the latter time to sort his thoughts. Eventually, he thought of what might be the best, even though it was disadvantageous for him as well. Nevertheless, Sehun's character was the most realistic from all of them. Nevertheless, it was cute to see how the other EXO members were like as well. For instance, you described Kai as a shy person, and he even got scared from seeing Kyungsoo's wide eyes. I knew those facts, making things even more interesting yet believable. It excited me, at the very least.

On the bad side, there were some aspects that were either missing or lacking in your story. For instance, you lacked in elaboration and description in terms of the characters' appearances and actions. You could've explained how they looked like and such, like how they differ with make-up from their bare faces. This might be a bit weird to add, but you can use these additions to make your story interesting. In my opinion, you overly discussed the events, forgetting to describe the actual characters as well. The way they dress and the way they act helps your readers understand them as well, too.

 

Plot: 33/40

The plot wasn't really that original, but what I loved the most was how you made things as realistic as possible. You based the story on true events from their university life to their trainee life and then to their idol life. It was really a great technique as the flow of events made it seem like the event really took place in reality, though I'd like to believe that it didn't. There weren't really much corrections and confusions that aroused when I read through your story though, so this section might be shorter than necessary. I hope that's fine. Anyway, here goes.

First and foremost, I'd like to question your chapter titles. Both titles were entitled 'Final', and it was really weird. I suggest changing them up, like maybe numbering them properly as they slightly bothered me, though they weren't really that much of a problem.

Here comes the real deal. You started your story with a slight sneak peak from the ending part; the part wherein Luhan was lying on his bed with a mystery man on his side, which I believe was Minseok as the story followed. After that little sneek peak, you officially started the story. It wasn't really the best method, to be honest. To tell you the truth, it slightly confused me as the format of the story was that their conversations (HunHan) were italicized and aligned at the center, am I right? Well, that might not be the case, but from my understanding, that was the format, so I was slightly confused with the beginning part, though I didn't pay that much heed onto it as it was only the start after all. 

I was confused with the middle part of the first chapter though, when Luhan and Sehun supposedly clicked. You said that Sehun tried his best to make up to Luhan since he was the reason why Luhan's flyers flew from his hands. This part was a bit weird. It would've been better if you started it with Sehun talking to him and Luhan bringing up that incident all of a sudden, making Sehun feel guilty and whatnot. Of course, you can do other methods to introduce that, but what I'm trying to point is that how did Sehun know that he was the one who was giving out those flyers? I know that this is a bit of a minor problem, but yeah. I just wanted to point that out since I got a bit confused. It just lacked the basic introduction, that's all. 

Now, another confusing passed through me as Luhan's feelings wavered once he heard Donghae and Eunhyuk's apparent quarrel. I do understand Luhan though as his uality flowing through the public would ruin his image, and the group's image as well. However, for me, his reason was still shallow. I don't know. I just didn't find his reason that too much of a deal. The story depicted the conse