Calling for unni_corn

"Username: love_u"

Author: unni_corn

Main Characters: Kim Sunggyu, Han Chaerin (OC), Infinite

Genre: Romance

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Someone broke into my ID! That's impossible.. I'm very careful best stalker.. how could he detected it?
He won't report me to the academy, will he? He can't blackmail me!
What?! He think I will be tempted? Did he really think there's anything more important than uri Sunggyu?
Wa.. wait.. schedule, he said? *blink.blink..*
Okay.. if he dare to give the fake one, I will peel him off until he become strawberry and present it to the giant hamster!

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2/5

The title was somehow interesting, and it was a bit catchy, but I don't think that's the appropriate title for your story. You didn't really emphasize that title in the story, and it is relevant, but then again, you only mentioned it like, one time in the chapter, so I think a better title would be "Pikachu to Pooh." That's just my opinion though since that was their names when they kept on messaging, right? Plus, the whole story kind of focused on the pikachu and that pooh, so I think this sounds better, although I still don't think it's interesting enough. Anyways, I didn't really fancy the title, and I wasn't particularly interested with it, so I'll give you two points.

 

Graphics: 0/0

You didn't have a poster nor a background, so I decided to exclude this grading from the overall grade. However, I suggest getting one. Do keep in mind that there are readers out there that reads stories with good graphics. I know because I'm one of those people. Hehe. Anyway, do get one. There are a lot of good graphic shops out there who are more than willing to do the job for you. Make sure to request for a complementing background as well, ang maybe a character chart to replace the "cast" you put on your foreword.

 

Description and Foreword: 3/10

First of all, you should've put a brief summary of your story for your "description" instead of a teaser. It should be a somewhat paragraph containing alluring information about your story. What you should do is ​to give a brief description of the story; the main characters, or themes. Give just enough to get the reader interested in reading more; don’t give anything away. ​Make sure your description fits all the elements of your story. ​Make it sound as unique as possible. It's what usually readers are after once they visit your story, so if your description is more than enough to attract them, they might read your story. ​Lastly, describe the story along with the characters. Remember not to put too much information as it may ruin the surprise/twist of the story.

You teaser was really confusing. When I read it, I was like 'Huh? What happened?' It was like the speaker was arguing with herself, but the lines weren't connected scenes though. I think it was her thoughts from different scenes? Am I right? Anyway, I think it's best if you provide a sneak peek of one scene and one scene only. It would avoid confusion among your future readers.

(Original Version)

Someone broke into my ID! That's impossible.. I'm very careful best stalker.. how could he detected it?
He won't report me to the academy, will he? He can't blackmail me!
What?! He think I will be tempted? Did he really think there's anything more important than uri Sunggyu?
Wa.. wait.. schedule, he said? *blink.blink..*
Okay.. if he dare to give the fake one, I will peel him off until he become strawberry and present it to the giant hamster!

(Revised Version)

Someone broke into my ID! But that's impossible. I'm a very careful stalker. How did he detect it?
He won't report me to the academy, right? He can't blackmail me!
What?! Does he think that I'll be tempted? Does he really think that there's something more important than our Sunggyu?
W-wait. Schedule, he said? *blinks*
Okay. If he dares to give the fake one, I will peel him off until he becomes a strawberry and present it to a giant hamster!

I'm not quite proud with this one as well, however, I think it does sound better than the previous one. Also, avoid using uncommon romanized words like uri. Romanized words like oppa, eomma and appa would be fine, but for words like, uri, it's best to stick with English.

For the foreword, you just put the cast, and it somehow made your main page boring because of the lack of information you gave. A foreword is a (usually short) piece of writing sometimes placed below your description. Typically written by someone other than the primary author of the story, it often tells of some reason as to why the author wrote the story. It is written by the author of the story and generally covers on how the story came into being or how the idea for the story was developed, and may include thanks and acknowledgments to people who were helpful to the author during the time of writing (credits).

For your cast, well, it doesn't look that much appealing. Maybe you could try putting a character chart instead (with pictures of then of course), and it would look more eye-catching and presentable. However, I still think you don't need one. This is a one-shot after all, but then again, it's your choice.

Overall, you should fix your main page. Why? Because most readers focus on the description before reading the story, and if they don't like it, how would you expect then to read the rest of your story?

 

Characterization: 5/10

Romance novels are fantasies.  The reader wants to escape into a world where she can experience the thrill of falling in love with a man who, in real life, might be the tiniest bit too scary to date because he’s so bold, handsome, sophisticated, powerful, witty, rich... You get the idea! Perfect people make boring characters. The essence of all fiction is conflict. That's somehow the deal with your story. You kind of made Sunggyu perfect, that it made the plot too common and boring.

For Chaerin, well she's like the typical stalker fan of someone she really likes and admires, and eventually they meed and ua-la! They're now on a relationship. Like I've said, typical. I really can't say much about her character. I would've preferred if there were dramatic and angsty scenes about her that I might sympathize with, but there's none.

For Sunggyu, again typical. He's the perfect, handsome and powerful man a lot of fangirls would like to date. There's no side story for him as well which made the plot too thin that I r