Calling for tohosyinki

"Impossibly Possible"

Author: tohosyinki

Main Characters: Byun Baekhyun and Park Chanyeol

Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Romance,

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
We were born different.
We're not weird, we're just not like you or like them.
And that time we met, it changed everything, changed our life,
It changed our fate.

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

I don't really fancy your title. Why? Well, I didn't really feel like it the first time I saw it. Remember, a title is a story’s first impression. People make a first impression with appearance, wardrobe and body language. Stories do it with a title, so I think titles are extremely important. A title creates anticipation and expectation or, perhaps, disinterest. Often the title is what will determine whether or not someone reads a story. You should look for something that interacts with the story in an interesting way, but at the same time, make sure it's very relevant to the story.

So yeah. I think it's somehow relevant, since it kind of depicits that a blind love is impossibly possible, but then again, it's not that relevant to the story. It would have been better if there was a hidden meaning behind the title, but unfortunately, there's none, that's why the title's not that alluring.

 

Graphics: 4.5/10

I don't really fancy your poster. Your story was kind of fluffy and romantic, so an angsty poster will not work. It would somehow make a wrong impression among your readers. Honestly, angst shouldn't be included in your tags after all. There wasn't any angsty scenes in the story, and again, it might create a wrong impression since your readers might expect a sad story or ending, leaving them disappointed in the end.

P.S. I gave you 4.5 points you have a poster. It would've been better if there was a complementing poster to add more effects though. Plus, I kind of admire you for having a separate poster for your chapters, however, I think you forgot to credit the poster shop or the designer? Crediting is very important, especially since they really worked hard for it, and isn't it one of the rules though? Anyway, that isn't any of my concern, so let's just leave it at that.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

First of all, your description was somehow lacking in some ways. It wasn't too short nor too long though. Maybe it's because the idea was somehow shifted on the third line, or maybe it's because the lines were too common that it doesn't seen enticing one bit. Your description has some grammatical errors as well. Here's my version. I personally think it sounds better though. But it's your choice. I'm not forcing you to change anything. I'm just stating what I think is better for your story. =="

(Revised Version)

We were born different. We're not weird, we're just not like you. We felt lost, as if no one was willing to help us. But that changed when we met. It changed everything - our life. It changed our fate.  

Okay so yeah.. This is so awkward. Anyway, please don't mind my added lines. What I'm implying is that you should add something, like what you've out in your foreword. Try explaining a bit of what he feels, then move on with how everything changed when they met. Something like that. Anyway, I think you should remove the italization and just make it plain. There's no really point in doing so anyway.

As for your foreword, well there are some errors as well. Here's ny version:

(Revised Version)

Have you ever feel lost? Have you ever felt like you're lost in this dark world where no one wants to help you? I've always felt like this. If you think I'd be stronger after encountering situations like this, then the answer is no. Absolutely not.  Since I was born, all I felt were emptiness. I never found happiness. It doesn't seem like it would should itself to me. They said problems make you stronger, but why it always make me weaken? They say being happy is simple. Well, I'm not sure about that, but what I do know is that acting happy is the hardest thing I've ever done. Hello. My name is Byun Baekhyun, a man who doesn't know the definition of happiness. The arrangements above were just the beginning of my sad story.  

Okay, so here, I've added a few things. There were a lot of redundancy, so I removed some words and replaced them with simpler ones. Do you type fast? Because I think you tend to forget some words while typing, either way, try double checking your work before posting anything. Reading it out loud helps too. It'll help you determine what's wrong easier.

Last but not the least is your author's note. I think it's best to correct your capitalization. Just correct it all. You might think that an author's note isn't important. You're wrong. Most readers tend to get turned off with such a manner since I admit, it looks unprofessional, so for the sake of arguments, just fix it ASAP. C:

 

Characterization: 7/10

To keep your fluff short and only include “the good stuff,” I suggest that when you write, you limit yourself to briefly (and “briefly” is the key word) answering the following questions based around the time-tested journalistic formula of “Who, What, When, Where, and How.” Also, keep it real. You story is based on real life and not fantasy, so you should focus on realistic scenes. You did well in this part, it's just that the sudden romance was a bit surprising, like I didn't see it coming. I did see it coming though; rather, I didn't expect it to come sooner that I thought it'd be. 

For Baekhyun, he lacks a bit of character development. I'm not quite sure but I think both Chanyeol and him are happy persons? Also, you could've put some scenes indicating how he loves his dog. Why? Well, personally, I think it adds an angsty effect because he is blind, and his dog helps him a lot, so for me, expressing his love for his dog would imply how he values the things around him despite his condition. Something like that.

For Chanyeol, well, he's like the typical Chanyeol, except that he's blind ofcourse. Again, you could've added more interactions between him and Baekhyun, maybe some dramatic scenes that would weaken yet strengthen their bond at the same time, then introduce the confession thingy at the right time. Sorry, but I'm just a big fan of dramas.

 

Plot: 27/40