Calling for FeelLatte

"Home Sweet Home"

Author: FeelLatte

Main Characters: Baekhyun, Daehyun, Taehyung (V)

Genre: Family, Fantasy/Supernatural, Friendship

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Either Baekhyun or Daehyun aren't a member of the most hot boygroup right now. How about something sounds crazy? Have you ever heard about the genius Baekhyun and Daehyun? Probably not. Yes, they're crazy but known as a genius scientist. The brothers live in a housing estate, next door is living someone they used to know as their bandmate. Confused and they won't understand, which they got a SON! An unpredictable one, Taehyung. The craziest life they have ever experienced.
Looks like nothing will change, since they got no light in darkness, so they need to be used to their new life. Something they have never imagine would happened to them. The same crazy Baekhyun and Daehyun who have to face the reality and their precious and important son, Taehyung.

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

When a person stands in front of a stand of books, the first thing that the person sees is the book’s title – and a part of the cover design – meaning the first weapon the writer of each of those books had was what they called their books. Based on that one decision, one book in that stand beat all the other books by being the one the person took out of the stand.

So, the first difference between a most-read book and a not-doing-too-well book is their title. A title needs to be catchy, unique, and memorable; it needs to belong. If a title fails to stand tall in all these criteria, it’s not the right title for the story. So in terms of this particular fic, the title, I’m afraid was stuck somewhere between, makes sense to I’m-not-reading-this.

According to the content and the genre of the story, the title is a perfect fit. But maybe because of that perfect fit, this phrase is possibly the most used family-based title/dialogue/thought worldwide. So whether a person is attracted to this story will depend greatly on how much they value family. If they do, you will have found yourself a customer, if not, it’s a potential customer lost. Since I liked the theme, I’ll grade it based on personal preference, however I must warn you against using clichéd titles as this in your future projects. So, 3 stars for you.

 

Graphics: 8/10

I’m glad you switched your graphics. The first time I entered your fic, it had the original poster, which I must admit was a tad bit messy. The title was barely visible and the characters seemed scattered around too much, especially considering how like each other they look. However, you did change it so that’s that. Your current poster is neat, and has a comfortable vibe. Whoever decided to use sky blue as the base thought well seeing as it’s a relaxing colour and it goes well with the connotations of a happy family-life.

Bottom line, it was a pretty, well thought-out piece of work.

 

Description and Foreword: 4/10

The description had both its pros and cons – pro was ‘what’ you wrote and con was ‘how’ you wrote it.

Your original intent - if what I think it was, is right - would in fact make people curious. You have established your characters and injected them with an array of eccentricities. Three people who have nothing similar to each other except for their faces you’ve put together and spun a crazy plot. Taehyun is a robot. That in itself could raise a lot of questions in a potential readers mind – if they could understand it.

Which brings me to the con, the ‘how’ you wrote it. I hope I don’t offend you here but I had to read the text a few times over to fully understand what it said, and I’m still not sure if I got it all. For you, in terms of grammar, rather than sentence structure, it seems the ordering of words appropriately to create a meaningful thought is the main problem. Because of this, it becomes a little difficult to understand what you want us to imagine.

But fret not, there are many users on AFF willing to beta-read, some found even in this shop. And since you’re still learning, whatever you lack in grammatically your requested Beta-reader/partner can help you iron them out. Who knows, maybe help you to improve faster too. :) And it might be a good idea to ask someone who speaks the same 1st language as you.

And as for the text at hand, I re-wrote the whole thing because correcting them sentence-by-sentence might mess up the meaning and flow, which was the flaw to begin with. Also, it’s my philosophy that no matter what happens inside the chapters (be it in terms of grammar, flow or whatever), the description/foreword must be perfectly lucid.

Original Text

(Either) Baekhyun (or) Daehyun (aren't) (a member) of the (most hot) boygroup (right now). How about something sounds crazy? Have you ever heard about the genius Baekhyun and Daehyun? Probably not. Yes, they're crazy but known as a genius scientist. The brothers live in a housing estate, next door is living someone they used to know as their bandmate. Confused and they won't understand, which they got a SON! An unpredictable one, Taehyung. The craziest life they have ever experienced.

Looks like nothing will change, since they got no light in darkness, so they need to be used to their new life. Something they have never imagine would happened to them. The same crazy Baekhyun and Daehyun who have to face the reality and their precious and important son, Taehyung.

Corrected / Improved Version

Neither Baekhyun nor Daehyun are members of the S. Korea’s hottest boy-groups anymore. Sounds crazy? It’s not. What if I told you the two boys were brothers? Okay tha