"The Secret Identity"

Author: Fanfictrainee

Main Characters: Kwon Minha, Xi Luhan and Yoon Bomi

Genre: Comedy, Drama, Friendship, School Life

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Mom says karma always comes around to get you, and I guess it’s true. Because last summer I was a total liar, and now, right in the middle of Ms. Lee's first period math class, my whole world is about to come crashing down. That’s because while Minha was living with her grandmother for the summer, she told her “Busan friend,” Bomi, that she's really popular back home and she's also dating Xi Luhan, the most popular guy at school. Harmless lies, right? Wrong. Not when Bomi is standing next to Ms. Lee, just freshly moved to Seoul. Uh-oh. Minha knows there’s only one way to handle this — she’ll just have to become popular! But how is Minha suppose to accomplish that when she has never even talked to Luhan, much less date him?!

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3.5/5

"The Secret Identity" --> In my opinion, your title wasn't very appealing. First of all, it wasn't that original as there are other stories here on Asianfanfics with the same title as yours. Relevance-wise though, your title was really connected with your story, and it gives a reader a hint of what that plot is all about, and I'm pretty sure that it's considered as a twist as a reader might assume that the main character would be a spy, when he/she's not, surprising them with the truth when they read it.

Now, if you'd ask me, I don't think that it's the most appropriate title to be used. Maybe a title pertaining to lies would be better. Just make sure that it sounds trivial enough to entice a reader. Regardless, I'm not particularly telling you to change your title. Don't worry. If you do decide on changing it though, I hope you take my advice into consideration.

 

Graphics: 7/10

Although your poster suited the theme and genres of your story, it didn't exactly entice me. The editing turned out too soft, which made the poster look slightly blurry. A soft poster like that would've worked for an angst story, and I don't think your story's angsty. I believe that it's more of romance and humor, and a bit of comedy, if I might add. Your story involves school life as well, so it might have been better if their school uniforms were seen, especially with Minha. She didn't look like a student in the picture with the thick, red lipstick on her lips. Bomi's picture was fitting, on the other hand.

Secondly, I couldn't decipher the need to include Yoon Bomi in the poster. I mean, sure. She may be one of the main characters of the story, but then again, the main pairing is between Minha and Luhan, so I think that they should be the only ones plastered in the poster. Moreover, Bomi was even smiling. For a reader that hasn't even read your story in the first place, it might look weird. She might be weirded out that Bomi was smiling at the poster when it looked like she was the third party who would ruin the relationship of the couple. Did that make sense? Basically, one would automatically believe that she's the typical b*tch in the story from the way she was placed; heck, she was even placed beside Luhan.

Thirdly, I could hardly read the title. The title placement in the poster is very, very important. When a reader looks at a story's poster, the title should be the first thing that he/she notices, aside from the most important elements of the poster, too. The "Identity" part of the title was the most unnoticable as the picture behind it was too bright. It would've been better if the font color used was darker -- a darker shade that would've made the title stand out.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

I actually like your story description. Although it was too lengthy for my liking, it did explain what the story is all about, and it gave me an enlightenment in comparison with your title, making me understand how the secret identity was made. However, I did feel like you blurted the whole introduction out. That was why when I read your first chapter, I felt bored since I already knew what was to happen, but yeah. Maybe it was just me.

Anyway, I made some revisions with your description. There were a lot of grammatical errors, like the tenses and commas used. Here is my version:

(Revised Version)
My mom told me that karma would always come around to get you, and I guess it was true. Last summer, I became a total liar, and right now, in the middle of Ms. Lee's first period Math class, my whole world was about to come crashing down.

That was because while I was living with my grandmother during summer, I told Yoon Bomi — my Busan friend — that I was really popular back home and was also dating Xi Luhan, the most popular guy at school. Harmless lies, right? Wrong; not when Bomi was standing next to Ms. Lee, just freshly moved to Seoul. Uh-oh.

I knew that there was only one way to handle this — I'll just have to become popular! However, how was I supposed to accomplish that when I had never even talked to Luhan before, much less date him?

I hope this enlightens you a bit, but there was an unnecessary change in point of view in your description. See the first paragraph? It was told in a first person's point of view, to which I believe was Minha's since she said that she was a liar last summer, which was true since she did lie to Bomi that season. However, for the second and third paragraphs, the POV suddenly change to a third person's. Why is that?

Anyway, I corrected the point of view used and stuch with Minha's point of view, since it was her POV used in the story in the first place, making the flow consistent once a reader read the description and then the first chapter. There were also errors like the tenses used, too. I used the past tense throughout to be consistent, but you can change it back to present tense if you like. Just make sure that the tenses used are consistent, and that you only change your tense when necessary.

For your foreword, well... I don't really see the relevance of the stuff that you put there. The credits' section was way too small for my liking, and I would've preferred if it was aligned at the center, and if the unnecessary spacings were removed. Just like the spacing on the description section, remove them. I also think that your main page would look better if you provide a character chart, or simple pictures.

I'm not really a fan of character charts, but from my experience, they look good for chaptered stories. You just have to balance out the information that you'll be putting along it. It's preferrable to provide the pictures and names of the characters involved though, so that the readers would have an idea of how they look like, especially for original characters. Only use the main characters, okay? In your case, they're Minha, Luhan and Bomi. Only use them since they're the only ones involved in your description. You couldn't want to introduce an unexpected character. That would be a terrible spoiler.

 

Characterization: 7.5/10

I think you did a pretty good job in introducing the character involved. Although their way of expressions weren't that deep, it was fine to keep me hooked and understanding. Moreover, the point of view used for the actual story was fitting. It's understandable to relay the story in Minha's POV, especially when it's her POV used for the story desription. First person POVs have their own downsides though.  The advantage of this point of view is that you get to hear the thoughts of the narrator and see the world depicted in the story through his or her eyes. However, remember that no narrator, like no human being, has complete self-knowledge or, for that matter, complete knowledge of anything. Therefore, the reader's role is to go beyond what the narrator says.

Likewise, it's important to convey the story through how she views the events that are happening within her reach. You can't relay a scene, for instance, a fight between Luhan and let's say, Kai, when she wasn't even present there. That would be absolutely weird. I hope that made sense. Also, keep in mind that you shouldn't just change the POV used oh-so-suddenly, especially when you feel the deficiencies in writing with that format.

Aside from that, the characters aren't fully-developed yet, so I can't really grade this section that well, but from what I can see, they're not the typical characters you'd find in typical stories. It would be a shame if Minha turns out as a damsel-in-distress. Now, that would be terribly disaappointing.

I'm a little hesitant towards Bomi