Calling for E-X-O-B-E-E

"Taking Breathturns"

Author: E-X-O-B-E-E

Main Characters: You [OC], Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Jungkook

Genre: Drama, Fluff, Romance, Schoollife

Status: On-going

Description of Story: A collection of drabbles between You and Exo's Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Jungkook from BTS. This story revolves around three boys that is tied to one girl. A story of strange encounters and forcing fates into an extremely complex unrequited and one-sided love.  

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 5/5

Traditionally titles are some of the first hooks that you have in your arsenal as a writer – the first hook to capture potential readers to pick up your story rather than the one next to it. A title which is catchy, relevant, unique but, most of all, clever. When I first saw the title, it made me curious, ‘what is breathturns and why did she use it here?’ So out of natural curiosity I continued to read. And when I did read it, in all chapters of the fic, there were moments of realization when every character had a sudden change in prospective and had a mental fall out. This aspect fits the title very well, and might I add it was clever to use the title of poem. The usage fits. And it certainly is unique, so, 5 stars!

 

Graphics: 6/10

The poster seems inappropriate. Pink, even if it’s this dull shade, doesn’t seem like the colour to go for when pretty much every character is going through some form of heartbreak or denial. (I’m not considering Jongkuk since he’s too much like those extras that are put in to keep the story pairings interesting). Still, if I forget about the colour, the poster is a well made, well blended one. It’s pretty and visually appealing even if a tad bit inappropriate looking.

 

Description and Foreword: 8/10

The description and foreword then are the first real samples of the writer’s skill and work that a potential reader sees. So it has to be good. Short, simple and direct; or long, detailed and leading; or vague, shadowy and mysterious are some of the ways one can go about it. I like how you were direct about the content of the story without actually revealing much about the actual plot. It was short, interesting and well used. I especially found your poem like foreword nice to read. These are your positives, but there are some issues in the second sentence of your description. I don’t know if it was due to grammatical lacking or just wrong phrasing of your thoughts, but point is that the line was not coherent.

(Original) This story revolves around three boys (that) (is) tied to one girl. A story of strange encounters and (forcing fates) into an extremely complex(?) unrequited and one-sided love.
(Improvement) This story revolves around three boys who are tied to one girl. [ 1) is: Will be plural ‘are’ since there are more than one subjects. 2) that: who is a better word since you are referring to people not objects.]

The second line, based on what you wanted to say, can be written in many ways. I’ll give you a few example.

[ If you meant the story was about strange encounters caused by fate the sentence is: A story of strange encounters governed by fate that brought them into an extremely complex, unrequited and one-sided love. ]

[ If you meant the story was about strange encounters and unavoidable circumstances forcing them together the sentence is: A story of strange encounters and unavoidable twists of fate that pushed them into an extremely complex, unrequited and one-sided love. ] 

Since I don’t really know your intension behind the line I’m sorry I can’t help you more. So, bottom line, your foreword and description were good, but not perfect, as it should’ve been. I would request you to re-examine this line, otherwise, great job. :)

 

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