Calling for strawberry_mochi_01

"The Star-Crossed Moon"

Author and co-author: strawberry_mochi_01 and osiria

Main Characters: Moon Ah Ri (OC), Jo Youngmin, Jo Kwangmin, BOYFRIEND

Genre: Romance, Schoollife

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Moon Ah Ri was a sweet, kind girl who entered the Youngkwang boarding school at the age of fourteen. She was in a school full of full of delinquents and inappropriate teachers and her parents forbade her to transfer.
Seeing that the school was in dire need of change— She whipped the crumbling school into shape within just five months of her freshman year.

New teachers.
New school.
New students.
And most of all— New Ah Ri. 

The "sugary" girl is gone and was replaced with a strict, and somewhat demonic "tyrant", as the remaining delinquents call her.
What, or who caused her to change?
Then her whole world is turned upside down when she finally comes in contact with two stars. As in, actually interacting with them, not telling them off.

Two twins stars who go by the names of Jo Youngmin and Kwangmin. They were the grandsons of the founder of the school.
The popular twins belonged to a group called "Boyfriend", as they were so called. Kim Donghyun, their "leader" already left for college, so the remaining members were: Shim Hyunseung, the quiet one— Lee Jeongmin, the "mirror-prince" mood-maker— Jo Youngmin, my some-what bratty yet protective hyung — No Minwoo, my best friend — And yours truly.

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

Your title sound interesting and it was a tad catchy. It wasn't really original since there are some title with nearly the same as yours, but still, I can say that your did a good job at choosing your title. A title isn't that important to others, but there are many times that people tend to read a book based on title right? So yeah. The title needs to give you a good catch of what the story is all about as well, and based on your story... well, this one is a bit wavering. My first impression about your title was that it was fantasy-themed because of the words star and moon, and it may produce some misunderstandings, but then again, it fits your plot still because the twins are stars after all.

I was kind of confused why you entitled it as the star-crossed moon. But then again, there might be a symbolism at the story and the plot's just starting so I guess I'll just have to wait and see. As for the star and the moon symbol, you should put a space after the moon symbol so the spaces are balanced. In all honestly, I prefer the title without those symbols instead, It did look more lively, but it somehow came childish and unprofessional for me. Sorry if I offended you or something. I'm just not used to titles with symbols, and it really did look childish, for me at least. That's just my opinion though.

Moving on~ Overall, you did well in choosing your title, so 4 points for you.

 

Graphics: 5.5/10

First of all, having a poster with a complementing background is definitely a plus; however, the blending or something didn't really work out. Bottomline is it didn't really pull me off the edge. I'm not that knowledgeable in poster-making but in my eyes, maybe a poster with a bit more color would fit your story. The sparkles at the middle part was a bit distracting as well. There's no really point in putting it, and I think it made it seem more fantasy-like. Also, the credits part at the bottom looked too dull. I would've preferred if the background blended well with the rest of the pictured above.

As for your background, I really do appreciate you having one since it added to the physical appearance of your story, but then again, I wasn't that attracted either. Just a bit though. I would prefer a more patterned background, wherein it doesn't "tile" that much. Sorry, I can't remember what it's called, but I hope you get what I mean.

Anyways, I didn't really fancy your graphics, however (!), I am not convincing you to change them. The comments above were purely based on my opinions, and changing them would be your choice. I hope my opinions helped though. I mean, your lay-outs were cute and lively while your graphics were sad and angsty. They're a bit contradicting.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

First of all, I really like the quote you placed at the beginning of your description. It kind of enlightened me and honestly, I expected a lot from your story. The quote did complement your title well, and it has a deep meaning behind it that's so... enticing. Plus, you used a lay-out, and it did help a lot. However, the font colors were gray, and I didn't really fancy it; plus, it looked too dull and somehow blurry (?). Anyway, I kind of had a hard time reading it. It would've been better if it was plain black.

Secondly, those moons you put added to the physical appearance of your description, but then again, your readers might mistook your story as a fantasy-themed one. I'm not really against it though, it's just that I had the impression already from your title, and when I scrolled down and saw those moons with the quote, I assumed that this was a fantasy story. But then, I was disappointed when it was an angst-romance-schoollife story. What more for your other readers?

For your description, my first issue would be the length. It was too long; too long that you gave out a lot of information already. I would suggest removing some, since those information can be used as an advantage in the story itself. It would be more likely to focus only on your main characters for your description, and end it with a question to entice your readers, like you're sort of providing a cliffhanger to excite them into reading further.

There were some errors and typographical errors in your description. Here:

(Original Version) She was in a school full of full of delinquents and inappropriate teachers and her parents forbade her to transfer. 

(Revised Version) She was in a school full of delinquents and inappropriate teachers that her parents forbade her to transfer. [There was a repetition of some words.]

(Original Version) Seeing that the school was in dire need of change— She whipped the crumbling school into shape within just five months of her freshman year. 

(Revised Version) Seeing that the school was in dire need of change, she whipped the crumbling school into shape within five months of her freshman year.

~ Dashes are used to show breaks in thought and shifts in tome. They are sometimes used to set off concluding lists and explanations in a more informal and abrupt manner than the colon. In this case, you didn't really break the thought nor the tone, and you didn't conclude anything. In fact, you explained and continued it further rather than set if off, so it's advisable to use a comma instead. For just and within, I'm not sure about this one, but I think just has to go first? I'm not sure, but honestly, I don't think you should put that word in since five months is already a long time.

(Original Version) Then her whole world is turned upside down when she finally comes in contact with two stars. As in, actually interracting with them, not telling them off. 

(Revised Version) Then, her whole world is turned upside down when she finally comes in contact with two stars; as in actually interacting with them and not telling them off.  [In all honestly, I think this sounds better. You had a typo there, and for the second sentence, I used a semicolon instead. I removed some commas too since they were wrongly placed.]

(Original Version) ...demonic "tyrant",

(Revised Version) ...demonic "tyrant," [The comma should be inside the quotation marks.]

(Original Version) Kim Donghyun, their "leader" already left for college, so the remaining members were: Shim Hyunseung, the quiet one— Lee Jeongmin, the "mirror-prince" mood-maker— Jo Youngmin, my some-what bratty yet protective hyung — No Minwoo, my best friend — And yours truly.

(Revised Version) Kim Donghyun, their "leader," already left fo