Calling for whiteknight

"Angel Next Door"

Author: whiteknight

Main Characters: Kris, Chanyeol and other wolves

Genre: Fluff, Crack,

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Tale of a boy named Park Chanyeol who believed he's an angel and the devil's spawn, Wu Yifan who just moved to the Tianmen Apartment for bachelors. No one knows the new boy having a huge dilemma of looking for new friends while keeping his biggest secret far into the depth of his plushies' mountain.

 

    Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

It’s not the most interesting title out there if I have to be honest. It’s like how some titles are like “Boy Next Door”, etc. So it seems as though you’re not the only one with the same title and it reminds me of a lot of other stories I’ve seen on AFF. It’s unoriginal, and it’s just too common for a reader to genuinely be interested. If I were to see this on a list without looking at the description or anything like that, I would have ignored it, and not click on it. 

 

Graphics: 9/10

The poster is cute and also very vibrant. It suits the drama-comedy-like vibe you have going on with the title and such. I do have a small problem when reading the quote you chose to put on the poster which reads “All you need to know is there an angel living here.” 

The more grammatically correct sentence would be “All you need to know is there’s an angel living here.” Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest difference, but it’s still overall nicely done. The colours of the poster match and blend well together while the title stands out on the poster. 

You’ve also used the poster as your background as well, and while I’m not a stickler for such a thing, maybe it’d be better to leave the background a plain white? I mean considering the fact that you also use the poster at the beginning of each chapter, it’s all a bit overwhelming.

 

 

Description and Foreword: 5.5/10

Maybe my brain’s slow at the moment, but it took me a few tries reading over the description of the story before I got it. The description is fascinating enough after I spent some time trying to understand what it all meant. It’s still unclear though. Your first sentence is stated in past tense, while your second sentence is stated in present tense, because of this it does cause confusion. When you’re saying the devil’s spawn, are you referring to Yifan?

Goodness though, the last sentence, uh, instead of nitpicking at it, I hope it’s alright if I show you an example of a revised version of your whole description.

Original: Tale of a boy named Park Chanyeol who believed he’s an angel and the devil’s spawn, Wu Yifan who just moved to the Tianmen Apartment for bachelors. No one knows the new boy having a huge dilemma of looking for new friends while keeping his biggest secret far into the depth of his plushies’ mountain.

Revised: This is the tale of a boy by the name of Park Chanyeol who believed he was an angel, where he met the devil’s spawn Wu Yifan, who just moved into the Tianmen Apartment for bachelors. No one seemed to know that the new boy Yifan had a huge dilemma over making friends, as he tried to keep his biggest secret far into the depth of his plushies’ mountain. 

By intriguing more readers, you can leave it off with a question such as “Just what will happen at the Tianmen Apartment?” or even something as simple as “With secrets and plushies strewn about, nothing bad will happen… Right?” (I don’t even know, I’m sure you can think of something better since I’m not the one who wrote the story anyways.)

Your foreword is an author’s note, and I don’t mind that except for the fact that I’m a perfectionist and thus the lack of capitalization and use of “text talk” makes me cringe (T_T also it could simply be “another story” you don’t need to add “my” in front of “another”) Also self-advertisement, kudos to you! If you have a chance to advertise then do it, especially if a reader likes your story they’ll definitely check out your other stories if they’re curious enough like me.

 

Characterization: 5/10

If I was put in the same situations as Yifan, where I learned there was an angel living in the same apartment as me, I would have had more of response like questioning the credibility of Yixing and wondering what the hell he was on.

If Yifan’s not supposed to have a ‘normal’ (putting that in quotations, because what is considered normal, nowadays anyways?) response, then explain why. Is it because he’s devil’s spawn? Tell me Author-nim ;__; Why does he take each situation so lightly?

On the other hand, I like the originality of some of the characters such as creepy landlord Yixing, and paparazzi stalker Suho. They’re so unique compared to what most people would loop them as in their stories (sw