Calling for Moony_Kat

"Take Care of My Boyfriend."

Author: Moony_Kat

Main Characters: OC | Kai | CL | Chanyeol

Genre: Angst, Drama, Fantasy/Supernatural, Romance

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
What does it take for one to find its path in this world? For Go Seon Yul it takes two deaths, a missed love line and a supernatural presence for her to clearly see the path she needs to walk on. Sometimes, love is not that obvious as it seems to be...

    Critique:

Story Title: 2/5

To be honest, I wasn't really a fan of your title. First and foremost, I've seen and even read stories with that same title; hence, I really find it unoriginal. Secondly, it doesn't really grab your attention at first glance. It was too simple, a bit too long for my liking, and it just didn't sound enticing enough. Truth to be told, I was quite disappointed. Your description was really good. It delivered a very deep meaning to us, readers. However, it didn't really relate to this title.

The connection with your title and description is very important, you know. A reader, when enticed with your story, would read through your main page, through your title until your foreword, and those elements would make them judge your story, deciding whether to read through or not. As I did that, I was confused. I didn't find the connection, like you were talking about love, friendship and life, when your title was talking about something else. It was like you just gave off a very important idea of your story that was supposed to be said later. Your readers would feel confused in the end, to say the least.

Thirdly, those quotation marks really bothered me. In my opinion, they didn't really make sense. From that statement itself, it was already understood that somebody was telling someone to take care of her boyfriend, so I think those quotation marks are unnecessary. Moreover, I haven't really come across a story title that used quotation marks before, but I believe that they shouldn't be used for titles.

In conclusion, I don't think that title is the most appropriate one to describe your story. Like what I've said before, it was too simple, too lengthy, a bit unoriginal and irrelevant, and it wasn't connected with your description thoroughly. I do suggest changing the title, but that's your choice; this is just my opinion anyways. If you do change it though, I hope you consider some of my points.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

The first thing I thought once I scrolled through your description and foreword was, "Woah. This is long." Yup, it was. That was one of the reasons why I deducted points in your story. It was too long. You should always consider your target readers. As enticing as your description and foreword might be despite the length of it, not all readers are willing to read through it, which is why a short and brief description should be provided for guidance. Honestly, a few readers might feel bored once they see those paragraphs, if you get what I mean.

On the good side, your description was really relevant to your actual story. It was lengthy, but it didn't really give away that much information. I actually like the description, especially the fact that last sentences contained important facts about the characters. However, I did feel like your described love, friendship and life a bit too much. Nonetheless, I really adore it, though again, it was too lengthy, and providing a brief description containing two to four sentences would be best. You can just place it above those long paragraphs.

I also noticed a lot of grammatical errors throughout. Here are a few errors that I found.

"Friendship is a powerful word and feeling."

This line was quite bothering. Why? Well, truth to be told, you stated that "Friendship is a powerful feeling." I wouldn't really designate friendship as a feeling. It acted more like a noun, and "feeling" acted more like it was describing an adjective. On the other hand, friendship can still be classified as a feeling, but I don't know. The way you said it made it seem weird and awkward. Anyway, do you know what would sound better? Try this line: "Friendship is the most beautiful, most powerful, and most valuable treasure in life." Despite the length of this line, don't you think that it sounds stronger that the line above?

(Original Version) It's a knot that once tied, it stays forever like that. Nothing can untie it, nothing can cut it or break it. Friendship is like a guiding hand when the road is bumpy ahead, like a candle that manages to do what the sun does during the day - illuminate the darkness all around the soul after midnight. Having friends liberates the soul and keeps the spirit alive, but having one best friend keeps you alive and afloat even then the whole world turns against you. It's your life buoy, the very core of love and Go Seon Yul, Miss Nobody, knew that when she met Lee Chaelin.

(Revised Version) It's a knot that once tied, stays forever. Nothing can untie, cut or break it. Friendship is like a guiding hand when the road ahead is bumpy and a candle that manages to do what the sun does during the day—illuminate the darkness after midnight. Having friends liberates the soul and keeps the spirit alive, but having a best friend keeps you alive and afloat, even when the whole world turns against you. It's your life buoy—the very core of love—and Go Seon Yul, Miss Nobody, knew that when she met Lee Chaelin.

There were redundancies present in this paragraph. I removed a few words and replaced them. I also corrected the typographical errors that I had found. Also, prevent yourself from using hyphens as dashes. That's wrong. It's one problem that I had been noticing from my past reviews as well. Hyphens and dashes are two different things. Anyway, the phrase "illuminate the darkness all around the soul after midnight" was a bit confusing. If you were pertaining to what the sun had been managing to do during the day, you should remove the soul, since you were pertaining to the sun, not friendship. Think about it. How weird would it be for the sun to illuminate the darkness all around the "soul" after midnight? It doesn't really make sense.

(Original Version) Love is even more powerful. It proved many times over the centuries that it blindes people and makes them act out of their character. Love pushes their limits, testing new teritory, seeking to occupy more and more of the mind. It's like a poison that spreads through the blood, like a disease that takes over the mind and over the body. Love is dangerous and Lee Chaelin, Miss Popularity, knew that when she first set her eyes on the bad boy, Kim Jongin.

(Revised Version) Love is even more powerful. It has been proven many times over the centuries that it blinds people and makes them act out of character. Love pushes their limits, tests new territories, and seeks to occupy minds. It's like a poison that spreads through the blood and a disease that takes over the mind and body. Love is dangerous, and Lee Chaelin, Miss Popularity, knew that when she first set her eyes on the bad boy, Kim Jongin.

I had only made a few minor revisions for this one. I just noticed that most of your sentences were redundant, especially when you use coordinating conjunctions. There were also typographical errors like the previous example, which made me think that you haven't double-checked your work for corrections. Be careful with the tenses as well. Take this sentence as an example: "Love pushes their limits, testing new territory, seeking to occupy more and more of the mind." See? The tenses were weird and inconsistent. You came from a simple present tense to a somehow present progressive tense, which was really weird since there weren't even a helping "to be" verb used, like am, is, and are.

(Original Version) And then there's obsession, the dark peek of both friendship and love. Obsession is the breaking point where everything starts crumbling down and you start walking on a path from where you cannot return. And Park Chanyeol, the IT geek, knew that the moment Kim Jongin swung his fist for the first time and he also knew that he'd do anything to keep him away from Go Seon Yul.

(Revised Version) And then there's obsession, the dark peak between friendship and love. Obsession is the breaking point where everything starts crumbling down and you start walking on a path from where you cannot return. Park Chanyeol, the IT geek, knew that the moment Kim Jongin swung his fist for the first time, he'd do anything to keep him away from Go Seon Yul.

Peak vs. Peek. I think you were confused between peak and peek. Peak is the most extreme possible amount or value, whilst peek is a secret look. From above, I believe that peak is more appropriate to be used, since it would seem like obsession would be the most extreme possible thing that would happen between friendship and love. Did you get what I mean? If you use peek, it would mean "the dark, secret look of both friendship and love." Doesn't that sound weird to you?

I also noticed that you kept on starting your sentences with coordinating conjunctions, particularly with "and." It's not exactly wrong, but you should balance that usage as there are instances when it sounds wrong. For instance, the very first sentence on that paragraph above is acceptable as it sounded suspense-worthy.

However, the sentences pertaining to Chanyeol was a bit awkward, since you used "and" all of a sudden, when in fact, you could've just combined it with the previous sentence using that conjunction instead. Makes sense? Other than that, I also removed a few words to reduce the redundancy present. 

(Original Version) But life is one tangled string. And all they did, all they felt, every word they said, every gesture they made, every push, every pull, every hope and dream, all of their tears and all of their laughter - they did nothing else but untangle the red strings of her fate...

(Revised Version) However, life is one tangled string. Every feeling, word, hope, dream, tears and laughter did nothing else but untangle the red strings of her fate.

Here we are again with the coordinating conjunctions. Again, prevent yourself from starting your sentences with those. You can use words like however, nevertheless, moreover, nonetheless, etc. instead. Moreover, since this was the very last statement of your description, I had high expectations. I mean, since it's the last, it should provide a sense of longingness and hanging, as if you were purposely leaving us hanging just so that we'll read through the story itself.

(Original Version) “Life is a cryptic equation that even the most intelligent mathematicians can’t solve on paper. You have to be a philosopher, a dreamer, a pessimist, a believer and an  agnostic at the same time, a truly powerful human being to be able to follow the path that appears in front of you when everything tells you to stay still.”

(Revised Version) “Life is a cryptic equation that even the most intelligent mathematicians can’t solve on paper. You have to be a philosopher, a dreamer, a pessimist, a believer, an agnostic and at the same time, a truly powerful human being, to be able to follow the path that appears in front of you when everything tells you to stay still.”

"Red strings of fate" is a very powerful phrase as well. I believe that you were referring to the red string of marriage, if I'm correct. Either way, this phrase made everything interesting. Overall, the description was fine and going, but you should make sure that it contains the least errors, or maybe no error at all, so as to not burden your readers while they're reading.

Now, let's go to your foreword.

(Original Version) You lead your life by your own rules, by the rules of the society, by the rules others have already implemented before you were born: you wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, change your clothes while listening to the MC at the radio that tells stupid jokes, then you drink your coffee or some other type of hot liquid invented for the sake of your sanity during a cloudy Monday and then you head out for what is another day of your life.

(Revised Version) You lead your life by your own rules, the rules of the society, and the rules others have already implemented before you were born: you wake up in the morning, brush your teeth and change your clothes while listening to the MC at the radio that tells stupid jokes. Then, you drink your coffee or some other type of hot liquid invented for the sake of your sanity during a cloudy Monday, and then you head out for what is another day of your life.

I had also made a few minor revisions for this paragraph. I had also corrected the sentence structures of the last sentences since shouldn't have been relayed like that, especially with "then" and onwards.

Your foreword was very clear and simple, thought I believe that it acted more like a prologue—an introduction before the story officially starts, just like a sneak peek. It was clear that it was in Seon Yul's point-of-view. From this prologue itself, I had already discovered a few points in their personalities. What I just had to point out was the fact that the quotes stated above the prologue wasn't that relevant with the scene on the prologue, like how you state that a person lead her life by the rules, but then again, the prologue didn't show anything related to that. As much enticing as it may had sounded, I deem it irrelevant, which makes me think that it wasn't the most appropriate scene to be placed.

On the other hand, I did feel like it also had a double meaning. I do think that it wasn't much connected with the quotes, but the foreword did intrigue me in a good way.

Anyway, I won't be adding anymore examples for the foreword since the errors that I placed above had pretty much covered the remaining items. Again, you have to make sure that your description and foreword contains the least errors. As much as possible, make it flawless; make sure not to burden your readers whilst reading as errors really do distract people, especially when they're duly concentrating on reading.

 

Characterization: 9/10

Your characterization was done explicitly in my opinion. The characters' emotions, actions, appearances, etc. were well described. You also didn't overdo it, like telling us everything that the characters go through. That would be boring, because most of what happens doesn’t actually matter. What I liked the most was how the characters were able to motivate me and inspire me in real life, particularly with how strong Seon Yul was. She had a lot of flaws, which was perfectly normal. She wasn't the only one that inspire me though. In fact, all characters were capable of inspiring me. 

For instance, Seon Yul made me realize how strong yet weak I can be at the same time. However, I also learned that I can stay strong and fight through my problems, that even when the world is against me, I can still act through it.

Let's go through my individual assessment of your characters.

Seon Yul.

Any character can be interesting, if she is central to the story that you’re telling. However, just as we don’t tell everything that happens in a character’s life, we don’t delve deeply into every character. The characters who are central to the story end up being central to the plot. And if you find yourself spending a lot of time on secondary and tertiary characters, consider whether you should edit out those scenes.

This was one of the problems that I encountered whilst reading through your chapters, especially with the point-of-views used. For one, chapter fifteen to seventeen focused on the other three characters, right? Well, those chapters did reveal important facts to pursue the conflict of the plot; however, you didn't necessarily have to change the POVs (I think it was only chapter 15 and 16, or just 15. Heh). In fact, I deemed it inconsistent. I would've preferred to read the scene through Seon Yul's thoughts, especially when the story did revolve around here. That sudden change in point of views kind of revealed a bit too much from the other characters as well, if I'm making sense.

Anyway, Seon Yul wasn't the typical innocent Mary Sue character in the story. In fact, she had a lot of flaws. She also had a lot of problems from different sides: friendship, love, and family. It was said on chapter sixteen that she gave branded things to Chaerin, meaning that she was rich, right? I didn't quite understand this part. I mean, Siwon mentioned something about her step mother demanding her to donate her liver for a girl. I can't quite remember who she was, but yeah. I just hoped that you showed us, or ever provide us, that instance through a chapter and whatnot?

Chaerin.

As I've mentioned before, on chapter sixteen, Chaerin said something about Seon Yul buying her gifts and whatnot which she sold to support her brother. That chapter revealed a lot of things about Chaerin, if I might add. She was selfish, yes, and was in fact, too selfish, as things got to the point when she wanted to physically hurt Seon Yul to get what she wanted, which was Jongin's affection. I liked how you depicted her punishment though. She deserved her punishment, but then again, she had her own side of the story. I was glad that you had given us a gist of her side of the story, which made us understand her more.

On the bad side, I still didn't understand her personality. When she died and started appearing as a ghost, she was like, normal. I mean, she just acted like a normal best friend guiding her friend. However, chapter sixteen