Calling for Miro-chan

"Good Girl, Bad "

Author: Miro-chan

Main Characters: Nam Taehyun (WINNER) & OC - JungMi

Genre: Action, Angst, Comedy, Drama, Fluff, Mystery, Romance, Tragedy

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Nam Taehyun. The name rings a particular bell in my head. The bell of hatred. I rummaged through my head, wondering why that name had to pop up again but found nothing.
Just my brain exercising it's stupidity and bringing up the things I didn't want to remember; like how I met him, how I fell in love and how I got my heartbroken.
I knew it was going to be a useless love but I was young, I was dumb and clearly stupid so I ignored all the little angel's signs about me in later life, and fell in love. With a man who didn't appreciate anything in life, didn't understand the meaning of love and clearly didn't know I would change.
As much as I changed, I still had some principles left in me. So, from now on he'll be receiving the encyclopaedia of hatred and death in his face, he'll understand the love I gave to him and he'll finally understand the life that he'll catch for only a second.

I was back. The place which I use to call my home, my place, my everything, had changed a whole lot, people filled up the boring spaces, there were more things, more stalls and more everything. Everything had changed except the little spot which I called my haven; the forest park.
But that's not what I came back for, I had something to do in the town and it was to break the said man in the beginning's, itty bitty heart.

    Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

Personally, I think it’s a catchy title. It gives out this kind of school-life shoujo anime type of feel, and if I just look at the title only, I’ll be expecting a cute story about an innocent girl falling in love with the big bad wolf. But after reading the description and the tags you put up, I was a bit surprised at how angsty it almost sounded. Also, from the mere two chapters you’ve posted so far, the girl seems more ‘bad’ than the guy, but the story has just started, so we shall see what happens later on.  

 

Graphics: 6.5/10

Overall, your graphics is a bit plain. However, it’s not messy or uncomfortable to look at either. Some suggestions I will give to you is to add a bit more colour (don’t overuse colours though) and maybe use a different font. Although the font is readable, I feel like it’s a bit bland if I am to look at it in an artistic point of view. I also suggest you insert spaces in between the ‘DESCRIPTION’ and your actual description, and the same goes for the very bottom of the page. Insert spaces in between your foreword and the ‘NEXT’ button. It will give your foreword a more spacey effect instead of it looking kind of squashed up.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

I think your description will be more effective if you fix the grammatical errors and reword some of the phrases in your description. So far, there are some sentences in there that doesn’t really make sense to me, so I’ll do my best to edit your description so that it’s as close to the original meaning as possible:

Original:

Nam Taehyun. The name rings a particular bell in my head. The bell of hatred. I rummaged through my head, wondering why that name had to pop up again but found nothing. 

Just my brain exercising it's stupidity and bringing up the things I didn't want to remember; like how I met him, how I fell in love and how I got my heartbroken.

I knew it was going to be a useless love but I was young, I was dumb and clearly stupid so I ignored all the little angel's signs about me in later life, and fell in love. With a man who didn't appreciate anything in life, didn't understand the meaning of love and clearly didn't know I would change.

As much as I changed, I still had some principles left in me. So, from now on he'll be receiving the encyclopedia of hatred and death in his face, he'll understand the love I gave to him and he'll finally understand the life that he'll catch for only a second.

 

I was back. The place which I use to call my home, my place, my everything, had changed a whole lot, people filled up the boring spaces, there were more things, more stalls and more everything. Everything had changed except the little spot which I called my haven; the forest park.

But that's not what I came back for, I had something to do in the town and it was to break the said man in the beginning's, itty bitty heart.

Fixed:  

Nam Taehyun. The name rings a particular bell in my head. The bell of hatred.
Rummaging through my brain, I wondered why that name had to pop up again but I found nothing. 

It was bringing up things I didn't want to remember; like how I met him, how I fell in love with him, and how I got my heart broken.

I knew it was going to be a fruitless love but I was young. I was dumb and clearly not smart enough to listen to all the little angel's warnings about the consequences it will bring to my future life. I chose to ignore them and fell in love with a man who didn't appreciate anything in life, didn't understand the meaning of love and clearly didn't know that I would change.

As much as I’ve changed, I still had some principles left in me. So, from now on he'll be receiving the encyclopedia of hatred and death in his face, he'll understand the love I gave to him and he'll finally understand the life that he'll catch for only a second.

 

I was back. The place I used to call home had changed a whole lot. People filled up the boring spaces and there were more things, more stalls and more everything. Everything had changed except the little spot in which I called my haven; the forest park.

But that wasn’t what I came back for, I had something more important to do in town.

And that was to break Nam Taehyun’s itty bitty heart.

(For the underlined part, I’m not sure if you really need that part, and I’m not too sure what you mean there either so I’m just going to leave it as it is.)

By the way, I really like your last sentence about the ‘itty bitty heart’. I think it’s really catchy and it’s definitely a good ending sentence for your description that will leave the readers wanting to know more.

About your foreword, I think it’s fine. You didn’t add a character chart and that’s perfectly alright. On a personal level though, I find it more helpful if you had one. A simple character chart will do, add a photo and include basic details like their name, age, status…etc. Don’t give a full-on description about their personalities and how they will progress in the story since the readers should be able to find that out through reading your story. I just find it helpful if I had a simple character chart to refer to, especially if you have many characters in your story. But that’s just a suggestion, you don’t need one really.

Also, for your foreword, I think you should change ‘the writer’s words’ to ‘the author’s words’. I think that will sound better.

By the way, your story isn’t rubbish! It has a nice, growing plot, and I suggest you don’t add in words like ‘I don’t know if I’ll keep updating the story’, since that might put off some readers in reading your story~ ^_^

 

Characterization: 8/10

So far, you only have two chapters, so I can’t really comment much on this section since the story had just begun. You’ve introduced four characters so far though, and that’s Jangmi, Xiumin, Jessica and Nam Taehyun.

Jangmi: From what I’ve read so far, Jangmi is this girl working with an undercover company that takes in shady cases. She has this mysterious air about her, and sort of gives off this cold and impatient aura. She is said to be innocen