Calling for exoot12forever

"Dealing With The PREGNANT DIVAs!"

Author: exoot12forever

Main Characters: Kim Jongin // Do Kyungsoo // Oh Sehun // Byun Baekhyun

Genre: Fluff, Romance, , Mpreg

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
In which two best friends; Jongin and Sehun, had gotten their boyfriends pregnant and they had to
deal with the environment and everything differently since then— especially with their pregnant divas!

 

R/N: I'm so sorry for this short review. I actually finished your review last night, and it was really long,
but there was this typhoon going on here in the Philippines and I my laptop kind of turned off by itself because there's
no battery charge left. On the good side, I think I still included the major points of the review, so yeah. Again, sorry. Critique:

Story Title: 3.75/5

A title is a story’s first impression. People make a first impression with appearance, wardrobe and body language. Stories do it with a title, that's why titles are extremely important. A title creates anticipation and expectation or, perhaps, disinterest. Often the title is what will determine whether or not someone reads a story. Remember that titles have always been important. Everyone knows that. The problem is deciding just what constitutes a 'good' title – keeping in mind that fashions for titles change at least as frequently as fashion for shoes.

First of all, your title was indeed intriguing, especially with the 'pregnant divas'. It somehow aroused my curiosity, and I somehow got a glimpse of what the story will be through your title. On the bad side, I think it still doesn't fit the current chapters. For instance, the two pregnant men hasn't acted like 'divas' yet in the story. More particularly, most of the scenes with regards to the pregnant men were a bit dramatic, especially with Baekhyun's side since Sehun didn't want to take responsibility for his pregnancy, but I guess I just have to wait and see the next few chapters ahead. Other than that, the capitalization was wrong again. This case is quite similar with the previous review I've done before. You set the words 'pregnant divas' in all-caps. It somehow made your title seem informal. Remember that you should only capitalize nouns, pronouns, subordinating conjuctions, adverbs and adjectives. On the other hand, you should not capitalize coordinating conjuctions, articles and preposition. In your case, you had the preposition 'with' and the article 'the' capitalized. That's wrong. Moreover, I don't think that an exclamation point is necessary; mainly because you weren't exclaiming the title. It seems more like a statement if you ask me. All in all, the appropriate title for your story would be "Dealing with the Pregnant Divas".

 

Graphics: 4/10

Again, the same goes in this section. You did make your own poster again, right? Well, I admire you for making your own; however, like what I've said before, graphics are an important elements of every story as well. I've known a lot of readers who tend to read a story because of fancy poster. I'm not plainly judging and criticizing your self-made poster though. All I'm saying is that it's not that attractive, and that some editing was misguided. First of all, the background was a bit too dull for my liking. In a romcom type or story like yours, it's better to have a colorful and livelier graphics to set the mood of the story. Moreover, it's important to please the readers' eyes with those colors blended well, too. Secondly, the poster looked more like a family picture. It could also be misconceptualized as a photoshoot or some sort, especially with the individual pictures stacked on the right side of the poster. Thirdly is Sehun's arm. It was missing, and girl, I really searched for his arm and failed miserably. The font style of the title was weird as well. It didn't matched at blended with the other elements of the poster. The background was fine though, but it didn't complement the poster as well. All in all, again, I suggest requesting for graphics from a graphic shop. There are a lot here on AFF, and they'd be more than willing to do the job for you, and for your story.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

Descriptions and forewords are important factors since you are mainly marketing/attracting your potential readers into reading your story. A description is your chance to speak directly to your readers about why you wrote the story, what it’s about, and why it’s important. As it is an introduction to your story, a description should include information about the plot. For instance, you should give a brief description of the story; the main characters, or themes. I was glad that you included a description, but it was somehow in a format of a contest's prompt? I don't know. I just normally find those types of description through prompts. Either way, it did introduce the general plot of the story, whereas the two best friends get their boyfriends pregnant. It was short, yet straight-forward. Personally, I wasn't enticed with that description. I expected a livelier and a more 'descriptive' and detailed description that portrays both the plot and the mood of the story, to which creates anticipation at the same time. In terms of grammar, I'd say it's fine, except that the sentence construction is a bit off. I will be providing my revision of the description.

(Original Version) In which two best friends; Jongin and Sehun, had gotten their boyfriends pregnant and they had to
deal with the environment and everything differently since then— especially with their pregnant divas!

(Revised Version) In which two best friends; Jongin and Sehun, had gotten their boyfriends pregnant, to which resulted in dealing with different changes in almost everything — especially when it comes with their pregnant divas.

I changed a couple of words; mainly because I think they sound better and that they make more sense than before. I also replaced the exclamation point with a period, since I saw no point in putting it there. Just like before, this is just a revision based on my perception. I'm not forcing you to change anything. I had also provided a revision for the sneak peek placed below your description. Here it is:

(Revised Version) ** Don't mind the spacing.

"What's with you, by the way? You looked like you were participating in a running event just now," Jongin immediately asked, changing the topic. Just when he had asked that question would Sehun remember the exact reason as to why he was looking for the tan boy. He fisted his hands into his hair and cursed under his breath.

"Jongin, I'm screwed!"
"And why is that?"
"I got Baekhyun pregnant!"

Sehun's confession made Jongin curse him back.

" you, Sehun. You too?"
"What do you mean?" The blonde haired boy asked in confusion.
"Kyungsoo's pregnant too."
"What?!"

SH*T!

I also changed a couple of words and phrases for the sneak peek. There weren't that much errors anyway. Beginning it with an ellipsis had no use. I don't know if that's even called an ellipsis since it contained five consecutive dots. Moreover, I noticed that you tend to use a lot of semi-colons. A semicolon is most commonly used to link two independent clauses in a sentence that are closely related in thought. We use it when a semicolon is used to join two or more ideas or parts in a sentence, those ideas are then given equal position or rank. We also use a semicolon between two independent clauses that are connected by conjunctive adverbs or transitional phrases and between items in a list or series if any of the items contain commas as well. Another usage is between independent clauses joined by a coordinating conjunction if the clauses are already punctuated with commas or if the clauses are lengthy. On the other hand, you should avoid using a semi-colon when a comma is needed. I've noticed this throughout your chapters, actually. For instance, coordinating conjunctions won't require a semicolon if the second part of the sentence isn't an independent clause. Remember that semicolons help you connect closely related ideas when a style mark stronger than a comma is needed. By using semicolons effectively, you can make your writing sound more sophisticated. A tip: Why not use coordinating conjunctions for independent clauses instead of semi-colons? Commas are preferable in some cases as well.

As for the foreword, well, honestly, I don't think that putting their ages there would make some sense. I mean, you could just include it in the story itself. For instance, you could include it in a scene where, for example, their teasing each other then the conversation flies to their ages... or something like that. Other that that, I guess I have nothing else to say since I've pretty much said it all in the previous review. The case is really similar from before.

 

Characterization: 7.5/10

Characterization is a crucial part of making a story compelling. In order to interest and move readers, characters need to seem real. Authors achieve this by providing details that make characters individual and particular. Good characterization gives readers a strong sense of characters' personalities and complexities; it makes characters vivid, alive and believable. Characterization is the way in which authors convey information about their characters. Characterization can be direct, as when an author tells readers what a character is like, or indirect, as when an author shows what a character is like by portraying his or her actions, speech, or thoughts. Descriptions of a character's appearance, behavior, interests, way of speaking, and other mannerisms are all part of characterization. For stories written in the first-person point of view, the narrator's voice, or way of telling the story, is essential to his or her characterization.

I don't think there's any problem with your characterization except for directly and/or indirectly describing their personalities, their appearances, and their actions. Their appearances weren't that majorly elaborated to be honest. Do they look distresed? Do they look weird? When they get angry, does his noce scrunch up? Things like that are necessary from time to time. The appearance of a person can give much away about them, although appearances can be deceptive. Looks thus should not be the only way a character is portrayed. Facial expression and other body language tells much about a person as well. If they are scarred or