Calling for LordesseMisii

"Before I Go"

Author: LordesseMisii

Main Characters: Jeon Jungkook (Jeongguk); Geum Jihyun (OC/You)

Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
This is the last goodbye before I go.
Remember, I will always love you.
Even if you don't love me back.

 

P.S. I want to apologize beforehand. I might have made this review a bit too long. Teehee.
I think I just played with my words, so... Sorry. >/////< Nonetheless, I hope this helps.
I'm also sorry in advance for my harsh words! [I'm sorry for typos as well.]
  Critique:

Story Title: 3.5/5

So what's in a title? Is it really that important? An enjoyable short story or one-shot might never get read by the public  if the title doesn't do its job. A good title is like a good opening paragraph: it should be interesting. It should attract the reader's attention. At the very least, it should be appropriate to the rest of the piece, and remember this, too: the title will be what represents your work to the rest of the world, now and forever. When people happen to cross paths with your story here on AFF, click the direct link, and talk about it to their friends the next day, the first thing they'll read or speak of will be the words in your title, so choose it wisely.

In your case, well that title's definitely not unique as I've crossed paths with stories of that title before. It's too common as well. It did sound a bit dull for me too. Normally, readers get more drawn to deep, sophisticated and unusual titles. Title with more originality stands a better chance to be honest. In contrast to that, titles are not copyrightable. If your title is fairly common, and doesn't deal with the same subject matter as another story with the same name, you shouldn't run into any copyright problems. However, that should not be done intentionally. Why run the risk of confusing a reader into thinking your story is someone else's? Besides, you don't want the reading public to think you're unoriginal. It's just as easy to come up with a new title as to re-use an existing one--and a lot more satisfying. Whatever the source for your inspiration and whatever title you choose, remember that it needs to be a perfect fit for your story. If it isn't, and even sometimes, if it is, it can get changed. In your case, well it was indeed related to your story, especially since Jihyun said her final words before she committed suicide. I think it suits the story too as she had said whatever she wanted to say before she went away. The title was simply beautiful. 

 

Graphics: 9/10

I'd have to say, the designer did well with your photo. The monochromatic color scheme suited the theme of the story, and I'm pretty much glad that the poster didn't came out dull. In fact, it looked fancy. The pictures used for the characters were a bit off for me though. The girl looked too fancy and elegant for me. I was expecting a sad kind of look on her face, as if she was distressed or something. A smiling picture of the girl would be fine as well since she did die contented as she said what she had to say, right? On the other hand, Jungkook's expression told me a lot of things. The look on his eyes meant a million words. Honestly, he looked like he was deciphering something. He looked a bit concerned as well. Nonetheless, I guess their expressions are fine. The title placement was fine as well, although I don't get why their names were placed in Korean, and they're placed next to the title if I may add. Moreover, I'm glad that you had a complementing background. It was simple. My only concern was that only half of the text were visible. Plus, why were the credit's design even included in the background? It would've been better if the title and the name of the author plus the designer were placed on the background. You could ask for the same designer to revise the background, but then again, it's your choice.​

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

Descriptions and forewords are important factors since you are mainly marketing/attracting your potential readers into reading your story. A description is your chance to speak directly to your readers about why you wrote the story, what it’s about, and why it’s important. As it is an introduction to your story, a description should include information about the plot. For instance, you should give a brief description of the story; the main characters, or themes. In your case, well your description was short, yet simple. It was disappointing though that you wrote it in Jihyun's point-of-view. First of all, you have to be consistent with everything. If you want to introduce your story through Jihyun's words, then might as well end it in that kind of format, right? I mean, it sounded like she would be relaying the events, yet it was based on a third person's point-of-view in the story. Moreover, those words weren't really that interesting nor appealing to my ears. Personally, I think it would've been better if you made a poem. Even so, a more prominent description would've been better. Anyway, despite my concerns, it was still relevant I guess, and it did complement the title. If you don't want to change it though based on my recommendation, then I suggest you quote those lines and put Jihyun's name below it, indicating that she was the one who relayed those words.

You also had a character chart placed below your description. Honestly, that character didn't match well. First of all, both of them looked cute, especially with that kind of attire. Moreover, their expressions didn't help as well. Although the girl looked a sad, a furious look on her face was more evident. Jungkook, on the other hand, looked a bit too arrogant. If you were to ask me, it looked more of a typical romance story of a cocky and arrogant boy pestering a girl. As for the credits and acknowledgements section, well they look a lot of space to be honest. I mean, the banner for the graphics shop was even bigger than your character chart; even so your poster. Those credits aren't that important actually. It's best to minimize them instead, and sharpen those more important elements. Anyway, you should place those credits and acknowledgements on your foreword instead. You could also place an author's note indicating what inspired your into making that story and why. But then again, it's your choice. Nonetheless, improve them. Oh, and put a fancier font for your lines. Maybe Bookman would do the job.

All in all, all is neutral and simple. I kind of looked for more information though. I'm glad that you didn't really put a lot of information in your main page as it would ruin the twist for your one-shot, but then again, your description wasn't enough to attract me into reading your story. Basically, it didn't convince me to do anything.

 

Characterization: 5.5/10

Characterization is a crucial part of making a story compelling. In order to interest and move readers, characters need to seem real. Authors achieve this by providing details that make characters individual and particular. Good characterization gives readers a strong sense of characters' personalities and complexities; it makes characters vivid, alive and believable. In your case, it was extremely important to make your scene believable as it reality-based, right? I mean, if you exclude the idol part, some of the scenes are realistic, especially a lone girl getting head over heels for a boy. Moreover, her emotions should be evident, since the story kind of revolved on her.

One of my major concerns, yet again, is your choice of point-of-view. First of all, your began your story (through your description) by providing a statement from Jihyun. It was a bit of a dialogue, but nonetheless, it was hers. Even if you say that you made a different kind of description, a third person's POV for the chapter would still be a bit wrong, mainly because you based it on Jihyun only. You didn't even describe Jungkook at all. You just related her memories with him, which were based on Jihyun's perspective as well. What you chose wasn't necessarily wrong. What I'm pointing out is that you clearly based your chapter on Jihyun's point-of-view, yet you relayed the story through a different kind of way, which came out weird and wrong to me.

Let's start with the individual characterizations. For Jihyun, well she was the typical lone girl, who had a crush with this guy. I was a bit confused though since you didn't state why she liked him in the first place. I mean, you could've said that he was handsome or something. It is important to describe a character's appearance and manner, and by doing so, you're likely to describe his personality as well. This was important in the introductory phase especially since Jihyun had a huge crush on him. I mean, why? What did he have than made her crush on him? Another issue with Jihyun is that you didn't necessarily portray her thoughts and motivations. I mean, when they got together eventually, did Jungkook somehow change her? Did she help her in such a way that she improved her social skills or something? You didn't describe her appearance as well. I was really curious as to how she looked. I though that her appearance had something to do with how most of their classmates ignored her. Moreover, you also stated that he got shocked when he found out that she liked him? How did he know though when she doesn't even have any friends? Moreover, you didn't mention any hints that might have triggered that response, and you didn't even mentioned Jihyun telling somebody about that. You could've at least said that Jungkook's friends saw her looking at him from afar before. Anyway, I understood her emotions though. She got used to being close with Jungkook, and since she was helplessly in love with him, she found it hard to move on. Needless to say, I found some parts a bit too cliche. I didn't really find anything special with her.

For Jungkook, well I honestly have nothing much to say for him since you didn't really present his side of the story. I could say that his personality was a bit typical too, but confusing as well. I did know that he was a sweet guy at first. He did seem like he cared for her because they did enjoyed themselves at first. The middle part of the story got a bit blurry for me though since you basically related the scenes through words. I didn't really felt their love to be honest. It's important to use dialogues to allow a character's words to reveal something important about his or her nature. If you provided more dialogue, we would've known more information of how Jungkook acted and such, and how their relationship flowed. It would've been better to see their reactions to each other as well.

All in all, it was confusing. I didn't even feel anything after reading your story to be honest. It was just so typical; plus, there were a lot of things that confused me. The characterization was messed up as well. It's pretty important you need to get the audience to fall in love with this character and care about her/him depending if its the protagonist. We need to know where he's coming from and where he plans on going. Moreover, since this is merely a one-shot, you have to be very efficient with your use of words. Make them do double or triple duty. Short stories may seem easier to write because they are short. They are, in fact, very difficult to write well. In your case, your story was indeed a short story, yet you didn't necessarily utilized the length. You should've elaborated more things to be honest.

 

Plot: 25/40

This one is a very critical point in your story. One of your major problems is that you just told us the scenes. You didn't show them. This is actually really important especially to one-shot stories like yours since they're relatively shorter that chaptered stories. As you write, make sure you are consistent with your details. You can't just say that she was sick and tired or everything then proceed to the next right then and there. You have to provide some supporting details. For one, you could describe the way she dressed herself, or how she looked. For instance, you could've stated that her skin was so pale, and she had that look of loneliness on her face. In that case, her distress would be more evident. It's a good way of characterizing your characters as well. 

Plot-wise, you weren't really original with your story. The story started with introducing a bit of Jihyun, whereas you stated the she was deeply in love with Jungkook, although she was always on the shadows. Then you introduced a scene where Jungkook showed up in the middle of the class and dragged her elsewhere. First of all, why did he drag her in the first place? It was a bit blurry for me, especially since he had the guts to drag her in the middle of the class, wherein a lot of students would've seen him, right? Another thing that bugged me was that he acted way too close when he dragged her. I mean, he even kept a firm grip on her chin and everything. I do understand that it was bold, but he acted a bit too... Let's just settle with weird. It would've been better if you stated that the reason as