Calling for KoreanDramaAddict514

"Unmasking Colors"

Author: KoreanDramaAddict514

Main Characters: EXO, OC

Genre: Alternate Universe, Fantasy/Supernatural, Science Fiction

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Hyacinth Park finds herself unable to express herself all because of the society she lives in. It seems like the whole world is crashing down on her. She has no other choice but to hide the unwanted characteristics, because of one fear. The fear of rejection. This society is where everyone is grouped according to the imprints they're born with.Those with the same imprint, follow the same pathway. And you stay with the people equivalent to you. But tables will turn and Hyacinth will discover secrets;
Secrets that have the potential to rip her to pieces. And give her another reason to seek revenge.
Society is cruel, and so are the people living in it.
Choice doesn't exist; Bravery is equivalent to being Weak;
Humanity is as the verge of disintergrating;
Freedom is slavery;
Love is a pathetic joke.
"Equivalence doesn't exist in human nature."  

    Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

Unmasking Colors is a title that is very common. Any title with the word “unmasking”

But the title is somewhat relevant to your story since “color” represents their standing in their society, right?

Your character is seeking to unmask what is/are her true color/s without anyone telling her what she is supposed to be. The message is there, I get it but still, the title is very common and not eye-catching.

 

Graphics: 7/10

As far as I know, this story of yours is set on a near future, right? So why is the girl wearing a suit that says “love” when they don't even celebrate birthdays at all? She does not look like a future girl.

Other than that, the poster is eye catching. The BG, however, distracts me, especially that I read your story using my phone.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

Just let me ask you this—why does your character have a foreign name when clearly, she is Korean? Even the poster says so. Yes I know that this is a near futuredystopian type of story but the EXO members name did not change. You could have at least used their screen/stage name in order to justify your character's futuristic name.

Hyancinth Park? As a Chinese-Korean girl, I tell you this: We do not give children foreign names. Did she grow up in other countries? Is she half European or what? It just confused me, especially that I am half Korean and I know our culture very well.

I will just correct some grammar errors.

Original: She has no other choice but to hide the unwanted characteristics, because of one fear. The fear of rejection.
Correction: She has no other choice but to hide the unwanted characteristics because of one fear—the fear of rejection.

Original: This society is where everyone is grouped according to the imprints they're born with.Those with the same imprint, follow the same pathway.
Correction: In this society, everyone is grouped according to the imprints they're born with. Those with the same imprint follow the same pathways.

Can I be honest here? I do apologize now since this might sound really harsh. You don't have to italicize or to bold the words/sentences. I feel like you don't trust your readers' reading comprehension. Of course we know that the bold words are important. You don't have to repeat it over and over again. But I guess it is just me. The truth is, the first step to gain loyal readers is to trust them. Trust them and they will trust you back.

Original: Society is cruel, and so are the people living in it.
Choice doesn't exist; Bravery is equivalent to being Weak;
Humanity is as the verge of disintergrating;
Freedom is slavery;
Love is a pathetic joke.
"Equivalence doesn't exist in human nature."

Correction:
Choice doesn't exist.
Bravery is equivalent to weaknesses.
Humanity is at the verge of disintergration.
Freedom is slavery.

 

Characterization: 5/10

Perhaps you have requested too early? Your story is just beginning, in my opinion. Your characters, especially your narrator, have not shown any developments yet. They are very dull and uninteresting. (I feel guilty for saying that but that is what I think about them) Ms. Park (Can I just say Ms. Park since her name is too hard to pronounce and type?) is very Mary-Sue. Just glancing at your work, I know that this story will be a reversed harem. All, if not many, guys will fall for her. The good thing about her though is, she has motivations at the beginning of the story. Just imagine her like a canvass. She is not blank, unlike some original characters here in AFF. But despite having colors, she is uninteresting. Not 'very' uninteresting since I know that there will still be a development. I can see that and I am totally looking forward to it.

I will get back on your story once you have enough character development.

 

Plot: 28/40

This is just too similar to Divergent. Okay, not too similar but the impact is just too Divergent. I am afraid your story does not have its own voice, its own identity. I know that you were inspired from the other YA books that you have read and that is normal but you have to come up with your own plot, your own events, your very own identity.

Everything is predictable. From the very start, I already know what is happening and what will happen. The occasions, the ceremony, the mirror thing, the gas thing, the illusion thing, they are all the same. Just like Tris, Park belongs to a group that is supposed to be simple. The honest part is amity type, though (correct me if I am wrong)

But, like what I have said, the story is still in its opening. I think it is getting there. It's okay. Take your time. And maybe in the near chapters, the striking similarities will be gone and Park will take a journey that will not be like Tris' Chapter four says that to me and that is good. Keep going. I can see that th