Calling for exoot12forever

"Carrying The Chanyeol's Junior: A NEW LIFE"

Author: exoot12forever

Main Characters: Byun Baekhyun // Park Chanyeol // Yoo Youngjae // Jung Daehyun // Wu Yifan // Do Kyungsoo

Genre: Friendship, Schoollife, , Mpreg

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Baekhyun and Chanyeol had become best friend since they were 15-year-old. Both of them were playful but Baekhyun could be described as the guy who acted immaturely if compared to Chanyeol. However, they 'threw aside' their differences and became best friend. They were like real brothers; so close to each other… And...their closeness had lead Baekhyun to experience his love at the first sight. Baekhyun found that there was something unique and special about Chanyeol that could make him to fall in love with him but he really couldn't describe it in words. These had made him to be truly, madly, deeply fallen in love with him. He wanted to confess to Chanyeol about his feelings but he couldn’t. Chanyeol had a crush on someone else and Baekhyun had made his promise to help the happy virus guy to win the person's heart.  So...he didn't want to be a 'disturber'. Seeing Chanyeol happy was already enough for him.
BUT!
An unexpected thing happened between the two of them on this one fine day where they were having a party and then Baekhyun got drunk as he drank too much than Chanyeol was. Both of them were drunk but Chanyeol wasn’t as drunk as Baekhyun. Baekhyun knew that it was quite impossible for him to have Chanyeol as his soul mate but he really wanted to have with that guy. Although he was not gonna be Chanyeol's boyfriend, he still wanna be the first person that would have with Chanyeol and that was the only thing that could make him satisfied. Baekhyun succeeded to make Chanyeol to agree.
"Just call this as 'Bestfriend's ', alright? Think this as a game." Baekhyun said and then grinned happily with his eyes closed. He didn't really realize and knew what he was saying actually because he was drunk.
"Alright but make sure you’ll fulfill your previous promise."
"I will..."
And a month later... Baekhyun’s pregnant.  

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

A title is a story’s first impression. People make a first impression with appearance, wardrobe and body language. Stories do it with a title, that's why titles are extremely important. A title creates anticipation and expectation or, perhaps, disinterest. Often the title is what will determine whether or not someone reads a story. Remember that titles have always been important. Everyone knows that. The problem is deciding just what constitutes a 'good' title – keeping in mind that fashions for titles change at least as frequently as fashion for shoes. Furthermore, a good title must fulfill multiple functions. It must have some relationship to the content of the story it designates. It must be notable, comparatively unique, attractive to potential readers, and nowadays, it must also work-well for on-line search engines.

First of all, your story's title was a bit lengthy, although it wasn't that bad of a length. Moreover, I didn't see the point of the colon and the supporting title. Normally, writers make those types of titles for series since placing a supporting title would mean another plot to a series. I didn't get the exact meaning of the title as well, mainly because of the article 'the', and the possible double meanings behind that title of yours. For instance, your title could be mistaken as a -type of story because of the word 'junior' and the article 'the'. Why? Well, as erted as it might sound, a person would mistaken it as carrying 'Chanyeol's junior'. Sorry, but that was actually my first impression; but considering that English is not your first language, I guess it's an understandable mistake. I suggest changing it up though, since a lot of readers might misunderstand the concept of your story. After all, you were talking about Baekhyun carrying Chanyeol's son, am I right? I recommend "Carrying Chanyeol Jr." with the removal of the apostrophe and s. If you put it like that, then it'd mean Chanyeol's junior, and again, that plainly sounds wrong, so please remove and correct it. I also abbreviated the word 'junior' to emphasize that it's not the erted kind of junior. As for the supporting title, I suggest to remove their capitalization for all letters. In conclusion, I think the title "A New Life: Carrying Chanyeol Jr." would be a better title, but then again, it's your choice. [You could also replace the colon with 'whilst' or 'with'.] I'm not really proud of my recommendations though.

Other than that, I think your title was temptingly intriguing, since the title opened up a lot of possibilities and imaginative scenes of Baekhyun whilst carrying Chanyeol's son. It wasn't that unique of a title, but again, it was intriguing. It is very important to choose a catchy, intriguing, poetic, and evocative title, yet at the same time, informative; informative in a way that you're kind of hinting something from your plot/story for your potential readers. Moreover, it's important that you title shouldn't hint out a lot of things from the story since it would ruin the surprise and/or twists in the story. You achieved that part, to be honest. In addition to that, it was very much relevant to the story as well. Now, on the bad side, I think that your title's not enough to attract that much potential readers. I've noticed that most readers nowadays tend to read stories with over-the-top titles, and although it would be impossible for you to glean what those stories are about through the title alone, those titles certainly make you interested to find out, don’t they? Apart from those, I guess your title's enough, although I don't think it's not much of a visually appealing title.

 

Graphics: 3.5/10

I feel sorry for this section, but since you really have your own graphics, I have to grade this section. I'm assuming that you made that poster yourself? Well, I have to say, it's not that... out-of-the-box. I mean, it looked like you just edited the picture by placing the text (the title) on it. Moreover, I don't see the relevance of that poster with your title nor the other elements of your story. It would've been better if it portrayed something about having a baby and such since that's the general plot of your story, right: Baekhyun having a child with Chanyeol. In addition to that, the background didn't complement the poster well. I think it would be best to request from a graphic shop. There are a lot of them here on Asianfanfics, and honestly, they would be more than willing to do the graphics for your story. Do request for a matching background and poster, and if you want, you could request for a character chart as well. If you want any help in finding some good graphic shops to request from, then feel free to ask me. I have a lot to recommend on-hand.

 

Description and Foreword: 6.5/10

Descriptions and forewords are important factors since you are mainly marketing/attracting your potential readers into reading your story. A description is your chance to speak directly to your readers about why you wrote the story, what it’s about, and why it’s important. As it is an introduction to your story, a description should include information about the plot. For instance, you should give a brief description of the story; the main characters, or themes. In your case, well first of all, your description was too long, and too informative at that. You should always keep in mind that with a lot of introduction, you would ruin the surprise in the story. I mean, you explained a lot in your description, when in fact it would've been better if the readers would read it in the story itself. You kind of ruined the element of surprise, making the scenes less intriguing. For instance, you could've just said that Baekhyun and Chanyeol were best friends at first, but eventually, Baekhyun fell in love with the latter, and blah blah blah. It would've been better if you excluded the s*x part. For me, that part would've been better if introduced in the story itself since it was the reason why Baek got pregnant in the first place.

On the good side, your description came out a bit intriguing for me as well, especially the last part where Baekhyun was introduced to being pregnant. Despite my negative concerns, your description had an intriguing side as well. A recommendation from me is that you should provide a very brief introduction-slash-summary in your description, and a little bit of an elaboration on your foreword. There are some authors that do that kind of tactic; sometimes they even provide a prologue to start their foreword. It's your choice though, but I think you should limit the information that you had provided for your description.

As for the grammatical errors, well, there were a lot. There were lots and lots of tense usage errors all throughout your description. There also misused your ellipsis. All in all, there were so many errors. Now, I have provided a revised version of your description. I'm not completely proud of my work; however, I think that it was indeed better than the original one. I'm not requiring you to change anything though. In the end, it's your choice whether you want to change it or not.

(Revised Version)

Baekhyun and Chanyeol had been best friends since they were fifteen years old. Both of them were playful, but Baekhyun was more immature compared to Chanyeol. However, they threw aside their differences and became best of friends. They were so close to each other, as if they were real brothers.

Despite their indifferences, their closeness had lead Baekhyun to experience his first love. Baekhyun found that there was something unique and special about Chanyeol that made him to fall in love with him, although he really couldn't describe it in words. This had made him truly, madly, and deeply fall in love with Chanyeol. He wanted to confess his feelings but he couldn’t. Why? Because Chanyeol had a crush on someone else. Moreover, Baekhyun had made his promise to help the happy virus guy to win that person's heart. Baekhyun didn't want to become a disturbance. For him, seeing Chanyeol happy was already enough.

However, something unexpected happened between the two of them whilst they were having a party. Both of them got drunk, but Chanyeol wasn't as drunk as Baekhyun. Baekhyun drowned himself from a lot of alcohol though. He knew that it was impossible for him to have Chanyeol as his soul mate, but he really wanted to have with the guy. He knew that he wasn't going to be Chanyeol's boyfriend ever, but he still wanted to be the first person to have with Chanyeol, and that was the only thing that would satisfy himself. Eventually, he succeeded in making Chanyeol agree.

"Just consider this as best friends having , alright? Think of this as a game," Baekhyun said and grinned happily with his eyes closed. He couldn't actually understand what he was saying because he was too drunk.

"Alright, but make sure you’ll fulfill your previous promise."

"I will..."

A month later, Baekhyun was proved to be pregnant.

Okay. Again, I'm not really quite proud with my revision. I think it could be seen, right? Well, I did change a lot of things though. I've removed and replaced most words and errors I saw. There were a lot of redundancy as well; that's why my revised version is a bit shorter than the original one. I also corrected most of the tense errors I found. Moreover, I also removed the ellipsis, since it was misused. They weren't really necessary as well, so I decided to remove them and change the sentence structure to fit the mood as well. Some of the sentences didn't made sense as well; most of them due to redundancy. First things first, I didn't get Chanyeol and Baekhyun's difference. In the first paragraph, you stated that they threw aside their difference. You didn't mention that 'difference' though. You actually described them both as immature, hence no difference. You compared them even, and not differentiated. Another concern of mine was when you stated that Baekhyun experience his love at first sight for Chanyeol. That was just... absurd. Why? Well, you did say that they had been friends since they were fifteen years old, and that Baekhyun had feelings for the latter eventually, right? Then, that's not love at first sight. Correct me if I'm wrong, isn't love at first sight committed from the first time you see an individual? If I'm correct though, then you should change that statement, since it would confuse some of your readers.

As for your foreword, well honestly, It merely consisted of supporting questions for your description. It's fine I guess, although there were still grammatical errors on it. Again, I provided my revision from your work, and I'm still not proud for this one, but I do think that it sounds better than before. I might have changed a couple of words though.

(Revised Version) What will happen to these two guys? Will Baekhyun continue his plan of helping Chanyeol with his crush? Will he tell Chanyeol about his pregnancy? Will a miracle happen for the both of them? Will there be a thin line called love to exist between them? [I didn't separate them in lines since that would take a lot of space.]

I've only corrected some of the errors. Again, it mainly consisted of tense errors. Other than that, I guess you'll have to work on the physical appearance of your main page as well. First things first, use a fancier font for your description. You could use Georgia, like what you have used for your foreword. Like what I've said before, you could request for a character chart and place it below your description. Other than that, putting up an author's note, credits, and acknowledgements would be a good idea as well. For instance you could place your inspiration on the author's note section, stating why you made this type of story and such. Some readers tend to look for those type of things, like me. Teehee. Again, it's your choice, still. I'm not forcing you to change something.

 

Characterization: 7/10

Characterization is the way in which authors convey information about their characters. Characterization can be direct, as when an author tells readers what a character is like, or indirect, as when an author shows what a character is like by portraying his or her actions, speech, or thoughts. Descriptions of a character's appearance, behavior, interests, way of speaking, and other mannerisms are all part of characterization. For stories written in the first-person point of view, the narrator's voice, or way of telling the story, is essential to his or her characterization.

Characterization is a crucial part of making a story compelling. In order to interest and move readers, characters need to seem real. Authors achieve this by providing details that make characters individual and particular. Good characterization gives readers a strong sense of characters' personalities and complexities; it makes characters vivid, alive and believable. Techniques the writer uses to develop the personality of a character. Characters can be revealed in several ways (STEAL): speech, thoughts, effects on others, actions, looks/appearance. In your case, I'd say that you did well in their speech and thoughts. It was a good thing that you were able to portray your characters' thoughts and motivations through dialogue. Most of them allowed the characters' words to reveal something important as well about their nature. For the rest, I'd say they're wavering.

One of the things your lacking is description. For instance, a simple description of their appearance and manner would've been better. It makes