"That Summer"

Author: PearLee

Main Characters: IU, D.O

Genre: Fantasy/Supernatural, Romance

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Lee Jieun spent her summer in a summer house she never been to. During her stay there, she found a wolf in the barn nearby, however it disappeared after a few days. Then, one night, a boy showed up at the house with bad injuries. The boy somehow reminded her of the wolf she met. She was right, the boy was not normal and there were several dangerous people after him.

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

Honestly, I was unimpressed when I saw your title. A lot of story has this title. When I first read the title, it did not make me curious, it did not give me any idea. It did not make me “Oh, what could this title mean? Is it a symbolism? Or does this mean literally!” A good title will make you click the story and read on. I mostly judge the story’s first approach through its title. Let’s face it, there are readerswho have little to almost no patience, so the best thing is to grab their attention with agood, catchy title.

You can think of other titles. For example, since almost every chapter, IU describesKyungsoo’s eyes, why not make a title about Kyungsoo’s eyes? I really cannot give you a proper suggestion since this is your story. And since this is your story, of course, you have the authority to keep your title as it is. I just said my piece of how I felt about your title.

 

Appearance: 6/10

a. Poster and Background. 3/5

I do not like your main poster that much. It looks a little bit messy, and the cropping is a little bit off. You know those book covers you see in book stores that do not make sense? Like they have this cool or odd cover, but when you read he story, the cover has nothing to do with the story? That’s what I see in your poster. It’s just two people with longing eyes, and a title that almost blended with its background, and quotes that are hard to read.

The longing eyes of IU and Kyungsoo made sense though, since they long for each other (if the reader has reached the Epilogue, she or he will know what I mean. Yeah, I did not know what Kyungsoo was thinking, but I know he missed IU. Come on, it’s given) So yeah. The pictures were right, but aside from that, nothing makes sense.

The background on the other hand is great. It does not distract you while reading. In fact, it helps you to focus on reading the story. It also relaxes your eyes…so yeah. Kudos to the one who had made your background.

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 0/5

Please do not shout at me. Just don’t. This is how I felt when I saw the format of your words. They are big! Just too big! Like they are shouting at me. Do not use too big fonts, or else you will hurt your readers’ eyes, especially those who are using their mobile phones. You write to please yourself and your readers, right? You do not write to burn their eyes, right?

The formatting is so messy. Like the letters and pictures are just everywhere. I think requesting for a proper layout in any layout markets will do. At least with this, you will be able to organize your author’s note, your description, your foreword, etc.

 

Description and Foreword: 5/10

To be honest, your description greatly disappoint me. Not only because of the grammatical errors I have spotted (you can have grammatical errors on your chapters, but not on your description and foreword), but of how you have spoiled your own story. Is it just me, or I feel like you feel insecure about your story? It’s as though you think you have to reveal so much, so people would have interest? If that is the case, don’t fret! Sure, there are times you have to write for your readers, but most of the time, you have to write for yourself. This is your story, they can do nothing about it. But if that is not the case, I apologize for bringing such assumption. Overall, the Description is not catchy and a let-down to me since…Yeah. You have spoiled your own story.

Correction for Description:

Original: Am I now playing the modern version of Red Little Riding Hood?
As I have met a big brown wolf in the middle of a forest.
No, I’m not visiting my sick grandma. I’m here for my summer vacation.
No, the big brown wolf dod not eat me…it disappeared suddenly.
In return, I have a visitor whom I have to babysit.
A visitor that is unusual.
"Hey, you look awfully familiar?"
He just continued to stare at me with his really big eyes… Those eyes…
"Your eyes are just like…" The Wolf
I must have gone insane to actually think this boy resembles the wolf…
Or maybe not… Because he might be that wolf…

Revision: As I’ve met a big, brown wold in the middle of a forest (always remember to use oxford comma),
I asked myself, Am I now playing the modern version of Little Red Riding Hood? (I fixed your modifier)
No, I’m not visiting my sick grandmother. I’m here for my summer vacation.
No, the big, brown wolf did try to eat me….It just disappeared suddenly.
In return, I have a visitor I have to babysit. (babysit? 'take care of' is much better to usesince…Well…is her visitor a baby?)
A visitor who is unusual. (since her visitor is in a form of human, use ‘who’ instead of ‘that’)

And just stop there. I did not include, and do not want to include the rest of your description. Sure, a lot of readers might already get the idea, but at least if you just stop here, they will be teased. Description should make you wonder, or just in general, make you want to read.

Correction for Foreword:

Before I start correcting your errors, let me just applaud you for using Foreword right. A lot of users here at AFF think that Foreword only exist to post their notes or for creditingshops. I mean, that’s great! Crediting shops! (on the other note, those who do not creditthe shops who have served you…Well..I hope you are happy) However, foreword does not only exist for that. I don’t know how many times I have said this, but Foreword is like a teaser or a trailer for a film. Anyway, I will not elaborate here what Foreword is for, since you, the author, got it right. However, the question is: Is your Foreword interesting? Let’s correct some errors first, shall we?

Original: Humans are superficial beings, comprehending only what is on the surface.
How irony, because I am a human myself.

Correction: Humans are superficial beings, comprehending what is only on the surface.
How ironic. I am a human myself.

Irony is noun. Irony n. a method of expression in which the ordinary meaning of the words is the opposite of the thought.
Ironic is adjective. Ironic adj. Using or characterized by irony.

Now, you might be wondering what’s adjective or noun and how to use these two. Adjective n. a word which modifies a noun or pronoun. For example, the word “Calm” is an adjective. The world is calm. ‘world’ is the noun and ‘calm’ is the adjective. The ‘calm’ describes the ‘world’. On the other hand, noun n., is a word used as the name of a person, thing, quality, or even.

Original: But animals aren’t like that right?
Correction: But animals aren’t like that, right? (I included a comma between ‘that’ and ‘right?’)

Original: They may not have intelligence like humans but their loyalty, love and sincerity are far more genuine than humans.
Correction: They may not have intelligence like humans have, but their loyalty, love and sincerity are far more genuine than humans.

FANBOYS is a handy mnemonic device for remembering the coordinating conjunctions: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. These words function as connectors. They can connect words, phrases, and clauses.

Original: ”What’s your name?”

-silence-

You have written: Silence.

Yes, with only a period. Or if you would like to go deeper into the ocean of emotions, I would have written:

He did not answer, his eyes never left mine, and somehow, I felt he would never leave meas well. There were no words spoken, there was no sound, only our soft breathing. But that was enough for me to understand him.

Eh, I am not proud of my example, but I hope you got what I am trying to say. You see, words are so beautiful. Sew them together, choose them nicely, and you will have astrong of words that can stab or soothe your hearth. Do you know what a lot of media men or writers (even back in the days) are feared? Because words are the most powerful weapons any human beings can have. It can either destroy a human or built a human.

Kind of ironic how your Description and Foreword do not sound…Beautiful (sorry) but your words for the next chapters are really beautiful. They speak to me, they lure me to listen to your words. I have talked about your writing style in Writing Style section. Also, your credit section is kind of messy. Use HTML format to credit the shops, instead of pasting the whole url.

Kind of like this: [ahref=”insert url here”[/a] Replace the “[“ with “<”

 

Character Development: 9/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 3.5/5

I just find it weird on how IU quickly accepts everything that is going on in her life. She sees a journal, and too curious to know what’s inside on it, rather than being worried about the wolf. Sure, the wolf is gentle, but what if it wasn’t Kyungsoo and just some sort of ordinary wolf that does not turn into a human? Wolves are usually dangerous, right? You can have a wolf as a pet, but if the wolf does not know you, it will attack you and worse, eat you. Just like with our pets. They are gentle with us, but with strangers, they feel uneasy.

Just stating ‘what if’. I just find it weird how easy it is for IU to accept the wolf. And does she know a piece of meat (for their second meeting when she comes back to get the journal) is not enough for a wolf?

She just got lucky.

And when Kyungsoo shows up as a human, I find it weirder when she just accepts the fact that Kyungsoo might be the wolf. If I were her, I would question myself several times, if not more than a million of times. I was kind of expecting her to tell herself to take a break, and think again. But she never does that. Which is really odd. Also, I find it odd that IU did not even think of bringing Kyungsoo to a police station if she ever wondered who Kyungsoo really was. (when she was doubting her idea if Kyungsoo was indeed the wolf or not) But oh well, I guess people have different ways of coping with their situations.

And also about the maid who took care of IU (well, not really) What about her? Does she even have a name? And when Kyungsoo shows up, has she even thought about reporting it to Red? Because I don’t know about you, but it seems inappropriate for a guy to stay at a girl’s summer house. Does this maid appear n the sequel? Somehow, I feel like you could have used her character more. She’s like a ghost who just walked passed by IU and Kyungsoo’s life.

b. Evolution of Characters. 2/5

Since I haven’t read the sequel, I don’t know much about the evolution of your characters. In fact, there is almost no development in the characters, except the development of Kyungsoo and IU’s relationship, which is already given considering they are the main characters and most of the time, POV characters.

I think Red’s character was wasted in this story. Since most of time, we were in Kyungsoo or IU’s heads, we did not have a chance to see or know what’s going on in her head, except whenever the story turns to 3RDPOV. Unfortunately, even the 3RDPOV parts did not help me to understand Red and her motivations.

There was more about her, then she just died. Just like that. I only slightly cared about her. When she died, I did not feel anything about her death. I did not feel sad, or…whatever. Or maybe I was just disappointed since I think you could still use her character more, instead of killing her right away.

When you kill a character, a reader must care about him or her. The reader must feel sad since that character died.

Just like I said, I did not feel any. Heck, I did not even care. Sorry.

At the author’s not of the epilogue, you asked us if the story is good to have a sequel. YES, definitely, this story needs sequel. This is not a stand alone story. It needs a support. Thankfully, you have a sequel. But I cannot comment about it since I haven’t read it yet. And the story you have requested to be reviewed is the first book, so…yeah.

I’d also like to talk about the antagonists of the story. Aside from Yunho, the mystery man (that ‘revelation’ did not shock me. Again, I did not care) who had a motivation, the other antagonists are generic. They are not colorful. They are just there to chase or try to kill Kyungsoo. Aside from that, nothing. They are nothing in my eyes. Sorry to tell you that.

You know what, just a suggestion, introduce Yunho at the start or at the middle of your story. He could play as a man who is playing nice, or a man who seems to be just a neighbor, and every time he appears, something about him is odd. Had you done that, I would be greatly surprised that it was him all along. I would have gasped, or perhaps say “WHAT?!” a lot of times. But then, when I read his name, I was like…”eh…okay…” and then I shrugged.

c. Point of View Used. 3.5/5

I like how you used 1STPOV. However. At chapter 8, when we it suddenly changed into 3rdPOV omniscient, it became bitter to my taste. Especially at chapter 10. Or more like, especially at chapter 11. 1STPOV and then we have 3RDPOV. It’s kind of confusing. Well, there’s a published book that used both 1STPOV and 3RDPOV, titled ‘Hide’.

But I’ve never seen a book that used two 1STPOV and 3RDPOV.

Just like I have already told you in the previous section, we did not have that much a chance to know Red, since we were in Kyungsoo and IU’s heads. This is the disadvantageof combining 3RDPOV and 1STPOV, you get lost, and you, the author, had lost the chance to make Red’s characters complex, rounded, as well as the other characters.

It’s like they are just there because…reasons.

 

Plot: 24.5/35

a. Originality. 3/5

As much as I would like to give you a high score for this section (because I really do love your writing style), this story is predictable. I already knew what was going on even before I clicked the latest chapters. Every time a twist happens, I just nod and say “…ah..”I don’t know. I have read a lot of books and so these kinds of twists really do not surprise me. Perhaps to others, but not me.

b. Setting of the Story. 5/5

The setting is absolutely brilliant! Not that it has something special (aside from wolves are almost everywhere) but the way you described each settings, gives me an impression you really took time and put so much effort in them. Which is great since I really love how you gave justice to your settings. I could not just imagine where the characters are, but I could almost see the place! I could even hear or feel the place. All I could say about this section is: Wow. Just wow. I am rarely impressed of how authors describe their settings so good job!

c. Theme of the Story. 3.5/5

The theme is kind of vague. Aside from, of course, we are talking about love here between IU and Kyungsoo, I can’t predict that much what your theme is. Vengeance, could be, but it seems it is more fitting in the sequel (assuming there would be vengeance) and..heart break?

For me, the theme which really stood out is the theme of Beauty and the Beast. No, Kyungsoo was not ugly, but IU accepted him even though she had found out he was a werewolf. (just still kind of odd how fast IU accepted him though) Maybe I should read the sequel to know the theme of your story?

d. Flow and Pattern of Events. 7/10

As I have already said, there is clearly a disadvantage when it comes to 1STPOV, especially to your story. Sometimes events happen so fast, that I almost got lost. The romance between Kyungsoo and IU seemed to be a little bit rushed. There’s also a feeling that a big chunk of story is missing, especially the part where Kyungsoo was finally acting like a human. I don’t know. I just have this hunch you rushed things to get into Kyungsoo’s POV. It’s just so random.

So at chapter nine when the two of them are running, I asked myself: Why did not Kyungsoo just carried IU? I mean, I assume, he is strong and not just fast since werewolves are usually portrayed like that.

e. Conflicts and Resolutions. 6/10