"Why can't anybody see me?"

Author: coxy132

Main Characters: All of EXO. Main is Xiumin, but the main pairings are
XiuChen, BaekYeol, KaiSoo, HunHan, SuLay, and TaoRis.

Genre: Drama, Friendship, Romance, School Life, 

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Xiumin feels like his true self is invisible everywhere he goes.
During his time in the shadows he easily picks up on secrets that some of the elite of the school try and hide.
What will the social elite do when their deepest secrets are threatened?

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

“Why can’t anybody see me?” -> First and foremost, do correct the capitalization of your title. There are rules when it comes to that. You should capitalize the first and last word, nouns, pronouns, adjectives, verbs, adverbs, and subordinate conjunction. On the other hand, articles (a, an, and the), coordinating conjunctions, prepositions, and the infinitive, “to” should be lowercased. In your title’s case, it should be: “Why Can’t Anybody See Me?”

Anyway, your story title wasn’t exactly original, in my opinion. It’s a very important factor in your story as well as it helps readers remember your story and it creates anticipation and expectation amongst your readers. As harsh as it may sound, your title didn’t sound memorable for me. Why? First of all, it was too lengthy. A memorable title often times, is short, simple, yet a bit sophisticated, and of course, enticing enough to drive the readers interested at first glance. Secondly, it’s more of a dialogue or an inner thought for Xiumin, which is of course, lengthy again. It would’ve been better if it was a play on words, a form of expression perhaps, or an association of ideas. Nonetheless, I’m not really fond of sentences or questions as story titles. Lastly, it’s a bit common. I mean, if you search it up on Google, it would appear to be the only one with that title, but then again, it wasn’t that original as the words used are common in the first place.

Overall, I don’t think that title’s that appropriate, and I do believe that there is a more appropriate title out there for you. The good thing is, that it was relevant to your story. It’s your call if you want to change it or not though, but in my opinion, it’s already too late since it has, like, forty-eight chapters already. Oh, and don’t worry. These words are just from a single girl’s opinion. Maybe it was just me, you know?

 

Graphics: 7.5/10

Surprisingly, I’m kind of neutral with your poster. I mean, it was simple, but it did tell us what the story is all about, especially from the camera and the pictures that were scattered on the corners of the poster. I do think that it would’ve been better if some elements were altered though, like the fact that Chen was included in the poster. It gives off some kind of hint, and it makes us believe that XiuChen is the ultimate pairing in your story. Don’t you think that it’d be better if no one knew of that from the start? It would be a very good surprise/twist in your story. Other than that, well, yeah. I think there’s a better-looking poster out there, but so far, it was fine for me. As for the background, it would’ve been better if the text was visible. I can’t really read the entire title since it was cut in the middle, probably because the canvas was too big. Other than that, all was fine.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

To be quite honest, I loved your description. It had enticed me to the point that I didn’t mind whether it was a story or not. (Don’t worry. I don’t loathe stories. Sometimes, I’m just uncomfortable with them, especially with scenes involved. Thankfully, your story had none of that.) The idea was really superb, as I can relate it in real life as well, to how Xiumin gets ignored in the spotlight, too, from the other boys. It was like you didn’t even tell me the whole story yet I was already excited. The length of it was a bit lengthy, but the information that you brought about was of right measure. You didn’t really spill all the beans that there are. For me, it was balanced. More so, you just gave us the main idea of the plot, and I was sure as heck that I was excited to read those revenge scenes that Xiumin had up his sleeves.

Needless to say, the description was utterly fabulous. I can’t say the same with the grammar though. I understand that you haven’t proof-read your story yet, but still, you have to keep your chapters, as well as your description and foreword, flawless, since there are picky readers out here in Asianfanfics that tend to pinpoint grammatical errors here and there, and that you be a huge blow to the gut. I know, because I’ve been criticized before. This was your version:

(Original Version) While at school Xiumin easily falls into the shadows, and the background of the chaotic school. During his time in the shadows Xiumin easily picks up on little secrets that some of the elite of the school try and keep hidden. Xiumin hatches a plan to take advantage of his invisibility and get rid of some of the anger that he holds inside at the same time.

Xiumin feels like his true self is invisible everywhere he goes. At school Xiumin does not fit into any one group. He is ignored by everyone. At home it is a completely different story, his parents notice him, but only when it is convenient for them.

What will the social elite do when their deepest secrets are threatened and will Xiumin stay as invisible as he thinks he is?

What I noticed in your description was that there were only like, three commas. A lot of commas should've been used, to be honest, and the lack of them had given off confusion as I read through your description. Commas help your reader figure out which words go together in a sentence and which parts of your sentences are most important. Using commas incorrectly may confuse the reader, signal ignorance of writing rules, or indicate carelessness. Although using commas correctly may seem mysterious, it can be easy if you follow a few guidelines. For instance, a really long sentence may be perfectly correct without commas. The length of a sentence does not determine whether you need a comma. Also, where you pause or breathe in a sentence does not reliably indicate where a comma belongs. Different readers pause or breathe in different places. Some rules are flexible, but most of the time, commas belong in very predictable places. You can learn to identify many of those places using the tips in this hand-out. Here is my revision:

(Revised Version) At school, Xiumin easily falls into the shadows and into the background of the chaotic school. During those times, Xiumin easily picks up on little secrets that some of the elite students from his school try to keep hidden. Xiumin hatches a plan to take advantage of his invisibility, and gets rid of some of the anger that he holds inside at the same time.

Xiumin feels like his true self is invisible everywhere he goes. At school, Xiumin does not fit into any one group as he is ignored by everyone. At home, it’s a completely different story. His parents do notice him, but only when it’s convenient for them.

What will the elite students do when their deepest secrets are threatened? Will Xiumin stay as invisible as he thinks he is?

For introductory bits like “At school,” a comma must be placed after them to let the reader know that the main subject and the main verb of the sentence will come later. Anyway, be aware of the commas that you use as a wrong usage would differ the thought you wanted to tell us.

As for the pictures, well, it was a bit unorganized to be honest – not to mention that it used a lot of unnecessary space, especially since there were individual pictures per member. I think it would be better to request for character chart from graphic shops out there. It would help, and it would mean less unnecessary space as you’d only be using one picture, yet all those information will already be there. As for the foreword, well, I loved it! I absolutely love reading author notes on main pages, telling me what inspired the authors and whatnot into writing that type of story. It was a long author’s note though, but I didn’t mind.

 

Characterization: 6/10

To be honest, there were a lot of character developments in your story, like Tao and Kris’ characters whenever they meet, especially Kris with his ridiculous cheesiness that seemed to be overloading. Gradually, most of the characters had started to change overtime, and as chapters passed by, we – the readers – seem to know more about them, understanding how they lived those lives even more. I mean, they all have their own fair share of problems, which was fitting for their characters, though I didn’t really expect much coming from elite students. Actually, I expected more from Xiumin, since he seemed to be a troubled guy based from your story description. He didn’t seem too “angered” and vengeful in the story though.

It wasn’t like Xiumin was invisible. People see him. He, himself, was the problem. He, himself, thinks that he’s invisible. He does the deed to himself, as if he purposely isolates himself from others. I understand his character though since at times, I’m like that, too. I seem to hold a bit of a grudge on people, and at some time, begin to fade away from them, and each action they do seems to hold an effect on me. Being alone kind of makes you keener and more observant towards other people’s actions as well, so I totally understand his part. To tell you the truth, he was my favourite character, as I could relate myself from him.

In addition to that, I had also noticed that you seemed to focus on the other characters rather than the main characters, which seemed to alter the consistency of the story. I understand that part though as it was an OT12-type of story. It’s a hard one, especially since you have to balance the scenes and divide them into six scenes contributing to six pairs, with a few scenes concerning the conflicts and more for the main character as well. Basically, it required a lot of chapters and time, hence the number of chapters that you’ve got at the moment.

You also have to word on describing your characters better. I mean, it was like you were only focusing on their social qualities. It’s quite hard to understand what they were thinking. There wasn’t much to their mental and emotional qualities, if you’d look closely. Moreover, as they had seemed to be developed as time passed by, you still lack on describing them by their actions, their appearance, from other characters’ comments, and with the unity of their personalities and actions. Remember that the character must be credible. If the character changes then the change must be shaped by events which the author is obligated to explain how they impacted to create the character's change.

Oh, and I think it would be best to be specific with their customs as well, like why Xiumin’s name was Xiumin in the story and not Kim Kimseok, and why Chen? Also, try to elaborate and deepen Luhan, Lay, Kris and Tao being Chinese people. It would make the story more relatable since they are, indeed, Chinese in real life. IT would be good to incorporate some Chines culture as well. Then again, this is just a recommendation. Like what you’ve said in your author’s note, you’re like, sticking to an American school system, but yeah. That doesn’t even make sense. Scratch that. Just think of making your descriptions deeper, okay?

 

Plot: 30/40

To be honest, the main idea of the story was cliché. I mean, I’ve read a lot of stories before pertaining to revenge and such, and stories where the main character seemed to be invisible in the eyes of people. Blackmailing people is a very cliché move, too, as I’ve read multiple stories with black-mailing as well. The reason as to why he had isolated himself from people that made him think that he was invisible for some reason – especially with Luhan, was unique enough for me, but I guess I expected a more viable and deep reason for that thinking, since he did seem like a deep and serious guy.

From this moment on, I’ll be focusing on the awkward moments and such that I had found in the chapters. They’re nothing much, to be honest. Most of my comments would be mere doubts, to tell you the truth. These parts are littles scenes, too. Anyway, let’s start.

Hello honey hope your day is going well, mom and I forgot to tell you that you are going to have to walk to your mother’s classroom after school today, our schedules have changed since last year and we will not be able to pick you up any more. Sorry, Sorry. Love you! –Dad (Chapter 2)

I didn’t actually understand what his dad’s text meant on this chapter. I was like, “Why did he need to walk to his mother’s classroom after school that day?” It was confusing to be honest. I’m not sure if I just didn’t read the chapter thoroughly, but yeah. Do enlighten me with the reason when you read this. It was just confusing for me since, yes, they were teachers, but then again, his dad didn’t specify the reason as to why he had to walk to his mother’s classroom. I supposed that it was for their house’s key, perhaps? Nonetheless, the reason was a bit blurry.

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