Calling for kaisooumma

"Perplexity In Adulthood"

Author: kaisooumma

Main Characters: Kai and Kyungsoo

Genre: Drama,

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo are in the same color.
Self control, commitment and firmness,
are three important things that will bring the cool breeze and the storm into their life.

    Critique:

Story Title: 3.5/5

"Perplexity in Adulthood" -> Surprisingly, I kind of love your title. It was very intriguing. Basically, perplexity means the inability to deal with or understanding something complicated or unaccountable. In relation to adulthood, it means the inability to understand adulthood. Again, it's extremely intriguing, though I haven't really found the utter relation of that title with the story itself. There wasn't much scenes in the story that relates to adulthood in the first place.

It would've been better if there were more scenes accounting to adulthood, like what does adults usually prioritize and such. The marriage between Baekhyun and Jongin while Jongin and Kyungsoo had been developing feelings for each other does seem like something that would happen to adults; but then again, that might happen to teenages as well. Something like money problems and being independent would do the job. Increasing Jongin frustration with him being the CEO of his company would be better as well. As much as possible, try to enlighten us readers about the "perplexity" in adulthood, if you get what I mean.

On the other hand, the title seems original enough. There were a few related title with yours especially since a lot of authors use the word "perplexity" in their titles. You should uncapitalize 'in' though. Prepositions are not capitalized for titles.

P.S. I'll include a short critique about your chapter titles at this section as well. Your chapter titles were really relevant to the scenes within the chapter, but I think it would be better if you properly capitalize them. It would look more appropriate and professional-looking. Other than that, keep'em as short as possible, but make sure that they're still connected.

 

Graphics: 6.5/10

I'm not really enticed with your graphics. Apart from the simple tiled background (I have nothing against it), the poster, in my utter opinion, was too simple. Kyungsoo and Jongin did look good on that though. Their expressions were semi-stoic, but they held a lot of emotions, especially Jongin's which I can say is matching with the story. It did look mature as well, though not in a erted way. However, I believe that they held the opposite expressions of each other. Jongin should've looked stoic whilst Kyungsoo looked a bit sad instead of the other way around.

On the other hand, I don't think it was too relevant either. The 'perplexity in adulthood' is not that conveyed much. It would've been better if Jongin, wearing a suit, was more shown. I couldn't really tell at first glance, though their expressions did a good job out of it. 

I'm not a fan of the fonts you used for the title in your poster either. First of all, I don't understand why the title wasn't properly capitalized. I don't see why you needed to fit the "in adulthood" to match the width for "perplexity" either. 

On another note, I think it would be better to change the canvas into landscape and place the title in the middle of Kyungsoo and Jongin, with the title properly capitalized and the font style preferably cursive. I think using a cursive font style would make it dramatic and enticing enough. Keeping the black background of the poster is fine as well, and if ever you want to place your credit on the poster, just decrease the font size and put it simply on the side. 

Anyway, please be reminded that I am not forcing you to change anything. If you will use my advices into consideration though, then that would be fine, but making revisions is completely your choice. I really admire how you made your own graphics though. ^^

 

Description and Foreword: 5/10

First of all, I think you should stick with simple black as your fonts' color. It was surprising how everything looked so dull yet simple when all of a sudden, the font style change and it seemed to jump into another genre. Your description looked nice to be honest, but do change the font color. Since the story was of angst and that the graphics were mainly black, just stick to black then. Try to remove the spacing as well. I think it would look good that way.

Anyway, this was your description:

Kim Jongin and Do Kyungsoo are in the same color. Self control, commitment and firmness, are three important things that will bring the cool breeze and the storm into their life.

I was confused with your description to be honest. The first sentence stated how Jongin and Kyungsoo were in the same color? What was that supposed to mean? How were they from the same 'color'? Did you mean that they both had the same perspective in life? If so, then why not state it that way? Surely, it would have made more sense. I don't think second sentence was related to the first one either. If Kyungsoo and Jongin really did have the same perspective in life, they how so? It would've been better if you added even just one sentence after that one.

The second sentence, on the other hand, sounded more like your were ending your description right away. Take note that you have to make your description interesting enough so as to enlighten your readers on what the story is all about. Self-control, commitment and firmness? How do those relate to the story, or even to the title? More so, how does that relate to "adulthood?"

Overall, I don't think your description was effective to attract possible readers. In my perspective, making a mysterious yet enticing description is effective. Like what I've said during my past reviews, try to state a description that sounds more like a quote. For instance, that quote you stated in your first chapter sound good enough, though you might have to add a few more to it so as to relate your characters. "Memory can’t hurt people nor can it make them happy. The only one that can hurt people or make them happy is their own decisions." Try to ask yourself. Would you read your story once you've read your description?

Prologue:

(Original Version) “Are you alright?” he asks worriedly. The boy responses by nodding his head slowly.

(Revised Version) “Are you alright?” He asks worriedly. The boy responds by nodding his head slowly.

I believe that it should be 'responds' instead of 'responses.' Responses is more life an act of responding and replying, in plural form. It's a noun, whilst 'respond' is a verb. Apart from that, beware of the proper capitalizations, okay? If you already ended the dialogue with the proper punctuation, then you should already capitalize the next word, even if it's not a part of the quotation.

(Original Version) Kyungsoo shocked by the sudden offer, “N-no it’s okay. I can. I can go back to my room.”

(Revised Version) Kyungsoo is shocked by the sudden offer. “N-no. It’s okay. I c-can go back to my room.”

I corrected the verb for this one. The auxiliary verb was missing, and you shouldn't use past tense since you relayed your story in present tense; hence, you should stick with that tense until the end, unless necessary of course, like if the scene you're stating happened in the past. Apart from that, Kyungsoo was stuttering in the quotation above right? I think you can just repeat the first letter of the word and use a hyphen to indicate a stutter instead of what you did above. It was like he really stated "I can." 

(Original Version) He lifts the boy’s fragile body carefully after covered him with the towel and carrying him in bridal style—doesn’t forget to bring the camera as well—back to the hotel.  In his way to the elevator, the CEO gains some confused stares from his employees and from the hotel guests.

(Revised Version) He carefully lifts the boy’s fragile body after covering him with the towel and carries him bridal style—not forgetting to bring the camera—back to the hotel.  In his way to the elevator, the CEO gains some confused stares from his employees and hotel guests.

The tenses were messed up yet again for this one.

Anyway, I noticed that the prologue you put on your foreword were a few cuts from your chapters, most from chapter one, right? Well, I actually deem it necessary, especially when the readers would just read that on the first chapter as well. Prologues can be a scene from the beginning, the middle part, or a sneak peek from the ending itself. I believe that a powerful scene would set if off. A dramatic scene would do the job, especially since the graphics and the title does seem fitting with a scene like that.

Apart from that, I guess all is fine. I do recommend you to use a fancier font for your foreword though. It would be better as well if you will provide us an author's note, encouraging us to come and read your story whilst stating your inspirations as to why you wrote that kind of story in the first place. I normally like stories like that. It makes me feel connected with the author somehow.

 

Characterization: 7/10

Any characters in your story can be interesting. Heck, you could make Jongin's character so hilarious in contrast to his demeanor as his company's CEO. However, just as we don't tell everything that happens in a character's life (that would be boring), we shouldn't delve deeply into every character. I found this one of your problems to be honest. A perfect example of this one was the bouncing scenes from the very first chapter. It was like you were telling us about Kyungsoo, when you suddenly jump to tell us something about Jongin. That was so not consistent.

Remember that even though you used a third person's point-of-view, you could still limit yourself into focusing onto one character, so as the other characters' emotions would be mysterious until you finally describe them. So far, I could say that you focused more on Kyungsoo's side of the story, so I believe that you should stick to that until the end. Kyungsoo, being the center of the story, would end up being central to the plot. If you find yourself spending a lot of time on a lot of characters, consider whether you should edit out those scenes.

I hope you get what I mean though. It was just like things happened so fast, considering how the scenes kept on bouncing into different directions. On the first chapters, since you began with detailing Kyungsoo's life, then make it to a point that timing is important. Why not detail Jongin later when you're finished with Kyungsoo's side? Remember: Timing is important.

Kyungsoo.

He was too innocent for my liking. I'm not so sure how rich he is, but seeing how he was able to travel to multiple places for inspiration for his job, I'd say he's rich enough, though not that much like Jongin. It was touching to see how he values memories as well, hence his fondness to photography. Anywho, he was too innocent. I 100% believe that he's the damsel in distress in your story, too. Like, what I've been seeing from him are weaknesses. What other strengths does he have? Can't he be strong enough to confront Jongin and maybe be strong enough to realize his own feelings for the latter?

I do hope that you give him more scenes that will prove how he can show more of himself. I do hope that you lessen those scenes of his getting sick and such that makes him seem weak. It's too cliche, and it strengthens the traditional belief of someone within a relationship being the weak one. Why not make a difference? Why not make him really strong eventually? Wouldn't that be something?

For instance, wouldn't it be something if Baekhyun and Kai really gets married? After that, Kyungsoo, for sure, will become devastated, and ua-la! He changes! The once innocent and clumsy Kyungsoo will change into a stronger, fiercer, yet a hope