"Along... Not Anymore"

Author: ElizaLee

Main Characters: Luhan and Sehun

Genre: Angst, Fantasy/Supernatural, Friendship, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Luhan grew up alone, his parents left him on a doorstep of an orphanage. On the outside, his smile was permanently on his face, but inside, it was a void of emptiness and despair. He was always bullied... because boys aren't meant to be pretty. But behind the beauty and the smiles, he hid a secret.
He could move things with his mind and it wasn't long before he noticed that no one can do anything of the sort, except him
...or so he thought

Story Title: 3/5

Titles are another important part of the short story. A dull title might put readers off, an interesting title can make a good impression and make a reader want to read on. If you enter writing competitions, a good title might catch the attention of the judges and also make your short story stick in their minds. Well you don't necessarily have to enter into writing competitions to consider choosing the right title. You just have to keep your mind set that titles are also a good place to start with your story and might kick start your imagination. This of it as the first step in marketing your story. If your title is catchy enough to attract readers at one glance, then good for you.

Personally, I don't quite fancy your title. But, it is relevant to the story though. The title's not that unique since well, there are some other titles on AFF with nearly or similar title as yours. Also, I have a bit of a problem with you using an ellipsis in your title. I don't quite understand the use of an ellipsis. It sounds weird too. I think replacing the ellipsis with a question mark instead would be better. It would come out as "Alone? Not Anymore". Here, it would sound as if Luhan is the one speaking of the title, telling me and the other readers that he was somehow alone before, but not anymore. Well, there goes my recommendation. I hope it was helpful though.

Graphics: 5/10

I'm a bit neutral with your poster. I don't exactly fancy it since it's too simple, but I guess it would do. I was actually looking for a different kind of poster though. To be honest, I wasn't really that interested into reading your story just by looking at your poster. Since this is a fantasy story, I think it would've been better if you used something that exhibits his powers or something, or maybe you could've made it darker. If you want to portray him being alone or something since he thinks he's a freak, then I suggest for a darker poster. I've stalked (yes, I did) your profile and saw that you've got yourself some poster shops, so I think changing posters wouldn't be that much of a problem to you. Well I'm not saying you should just change it. What I'm saying is that it would've been better if you had a darker poster that exhibits the main genre which is fantasy. I do understand that there's a bit of angst on the story because of the freak thingy, but then again, why not just combine both angst and fantasy genres in the poster?

Other than that, I also suggest fixing the background. It complements the poster, yes, but the words weren't really readable as only half of it is visible through the page. If you do decide to change your poster, then please incorporate your background as well. Make sure they complement each other since it would look weird if the poster was dark yet the background is light/bright. But it's your decision so... I'm sorry if I was harsh or anything though. Oh, I forgot to mention another thing. In your poster, there wasn't an ellipsis placed after the word 'Alone', so if I read it, it would sound weird. [Alone Not Anymore] I suggest fixing that.

Description and Foreword: 7/10

First of all, let's talk about your description. It sounded a bit enticing, and in all honestly, I got interested into reading further after reading that brief summary you put in your description. My only problem was that there were grammatical errors along with it; mainly because of the ellipsis and the wrong construction of your sentences. Some sounded wrong too. Below is the original version of your description along with my revised version. I corrected some of the mistakes; the explanation will be explained below it.

(Original Version) Luhan grew up alone, his parents left him on a doorstep of an orphanage. On the outside, his smile was permanently on his face, but inside, it was void of emptiness and despair. He was always bullied... because boys aren't meant to be pretty. But behind the beauty and the smiles, he hid a secret. He could move things with his mind and it wasn't long before he noticed that no one can do anything of the sort, except him... or so he thought.

(Revised Version) Luhan grew up alone (1)after his parents left him on (2)​the doorstep of an orphanage. On the outside, (3)one would think that he was a happy and cheerful person since his smile was permanently etched on his face, but inside, it was (4)actually void of emptiness and despair. He was always bullied (5)only because boys aren't meant to be pretty, (6)as most people would say. But behind the beauty and the smiles, he hid a secret. He could move things with his mind. (7)It wasn't long before he noticed that no one can do anything of the sort, except him... or so he thought.

For example number one, I removed the comma and replaced it with the preposition 'after', mainly because it sounds better; plus, a comma was really necessary. Separating them into two different sentences would be fine as well. For example number two, I changed the article you used from 'a' to 'the' since it sounds weird. The correct article to use was the. For example number three, I did not only change a few words, I rather added a lot of words instead. First of all, the two phrases were connected. However, the sentence itself lacked some words. It didn't exactly made sense as well. For instance, at the first part, you stated that his smile was permanently on his face (which is grammatically correct btw), whereas at the second part, you said that it was void of emptiness and despair. It wasn't exactly specific, and one would thing that it was his feelings that were void of those things. Well, I'm not too sure either, but I think adding a few words would make it sound better. For the rest of the corrections and improvements I made, they're just basically like that since I think they sound better than the original one. Oh and don't forget to place a period at the end of your sentences. Again, I'm not forcing you to change anything. I'm only stating my opinion along with my recommendations.

As for your foreword, well I have no problem with it whatsoever. My only problem, yet again, were the errors I spotted. I suggest preventing yourself from using too much ellipsis. It was a bit distracting to be honest, and if you read it out loud, it would seriously sound weird since you have to pause a lot of times due to those excessive ellipsis. Below is my revised version of your foreword. I will not be posting the original version anymore as it is a bit troublesome (and I'm feeling a bit lazy). I didn't put it like a poem or some sort like what you did though since it would take a lot of space. Feel free to imagine the spacing.

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