Calling for fairyjane

"please! I Love You!"

Author: fairyjane

Main Characters: 4minute's Sohyun and Gayoon, EXO's Lay and Luhan

Genre: , Pregnancy, SlaveandMasters

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
kwon sohyun, 19 years old, has two brother and a elder sister named kwon gayoon (older sister),have a sickness like sung jae when she was born,kwon hyuk sik(older brother) and kwon sung jae(yongest brother, have a sickness when he was born,until one day, she realised that their father has borrowed the money from mafia,zhang's company's CEO Zhang jing.One thing,she has to promise Zhang jing to become her son,Zhang YiXing slave............

 

    Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

Your title was simple, and needless to say, it was too typical. I have encountered a story with that title before as well, so I guess there goes the 'originality' of your story. On the other hand, it was indeed relevant to the story. It was like the one stating that was begging? I take it that it's Sohyun? It's possible with the type of format you used in terms of point-of-views as well. However, you could've used a different kind of title if you ask me. It didn't really depict the theme of the story, which was basically about slaves and masters. I would've made a title related to that genre; something strong yet soft. Either way, title are important, especially with the fact that your readers have to remember it. That's what authors commonly want doesn't it (for their stories to get remembered)? Moreover, your title should be capitalized properly. 'Please' should be capitalized. Other than that, I have nothing more to say.

 

Graphics: 0/0

I will not be grading this section since you have neither a poster not a background. However, I do advise you to get them. Graphics are important as well since it could help you gain more readers. Truth to be told, most readers tend to get attracted to fancy posters or graphics. That is why I advice you to get'em. Make sure to request for a poster that matches the theme/s of your story. Make sure not to ask them to put a lot of characters in the poster as it may look too crowded. The color scheme is important as well, as vibrant colors may match happy stories, whilst dark colors may match gloomy and/or dark stories. Moreover, do request for a matching background as well.

 

Description and Foreword: 3/10

I'm a bit disappointed in this section. First of all, your grammatical errors were, how should I say this, cringe-worthy? Grammatical and typographical errors were too evident, and I honestly couldn't focus on the meaning behind your description because of those errors. Now, I have provided your original version together with my revision below. Now, I am not forcing you to change anything or whatever. I just want you to see where you got them wrong. Here it is:

(Original Version) kwon sohyun, 19 years old, she open a restaurant with her two brother and a elder sister named kwon gayoon (older sister),have a sickness like sung jae when she was born,kwon hyuk sik(older brother) and kwon sung jae(yongest brother, have a sickness when he was born,when she was clean the staff room that time, she found out a letter and realised that their father has borrowed the money from mafia,zhang's company's CEO Zhang jing.One thing,she has to promise Zhang jing to become her son,Zhang YiXing slave............

Just a little warning: I might have changed a couple of things. Well, I actually changed a lot of things, especially with the sentence construction in your version. Again, I am absolutely not forcing you to change everything. Moreso, I will be providing an explanation below the revised version.

(Revised Version) Nineteen-year-old Kwon Sohyun opened up a restaurant together with her brothers and her older sister named Kwon Gayoon, who had a sickness like Sungjae when she was born. Her brothers were Kwon Hyunshik, her older brother, and Kwon Sungjae, her youngest brother, who also had a sickness when he was born. Sohyun was cleaning the staff room at that time when she found a letter and realized that their father had borrowed money from a Mafia named Zhang Jing, the CEO of Zhang Corporation. She had no other choice but to promise to be Zhang Yixing's slave, who was Zhang Jing's son.

If you compare your version to my version, you'll see how big the changes are, right? First of all, you have to fix your capitalization. The first words on your sentences should always be capitalized. Proper nouns should always be capitalized as well, like the names you had mentioned in your description. Secondly, you have to fix your sentence construction. I have noticed that you had a lot of run-on sentences. Well, they were too long, and it seemed that you connected three sentences together. Thirdly, always remember that a space should always be present after a punctuation. For example, there should always be a space after commas and periods. Fourthly, you should learn to use the proper prepositions, as I have illustrated above. Actually, you lack in the use of prepositions, which is actually important. Fifthly, your sentences were clearly frustrating, to the point where I was so confused that I couldn't understand your point. Sixthly, I changed 'elder' to 'older'. They are both essentially the same and are for the most part interchangeable and no one would notice or correct you. With that said, 'elder' will typically sound a little more formal than 'older'.

I was utterly confused to who had an illness or not. Gayoon had an illness, right? However, the proceeding sentence talked about another person who had an illness. I'm not sure if you indicated both her brothers, or if it was solely Kwon Sungjae. However, based on what I've read in your story, it was Sungjae who had an illness, and not both of the brothers. Either way, it would've been better if things were clear, and it all falls to your grammar. Another issue I had was the fact that Zhang Jing was a Mafia, yet he was a CEO of a large company. I don't know if that's possible, but it was one heck of a weird scenario. My last issue would be the numerous, constant dots you placed at the end of your last sentence. That wouldn't be considered as an ellipsis since it consisted of too many dots. I suggest concluding things with a simple period. Moreso, if you want to use an ellipsis, use three consecutive dots only; not two or four, but three.

 

Characterization: 4/10

First of all, I've noticed that you used/switched from quite a lot of point-of-views. In short fiction, who tells the story and how it is told are critical issues for an author to decide. The tone and feel of the story, and even its meaning, can change radically depending on who is telling the story. Remember, someone is always between the reader and the action of the story. That someone is telling the story from his or her own point of view. This angle of vision, the point of view from which the people, events, and details of a story are viewed, is important to consider when reading a story. Now, you used multiple first person's POV, right? A first-person point of view is in use when a character narrates the story with I-me-my-mine in his or her speech. The advantage of this point of view is that you get to hear the thoughts of the narrator and see the world depicted in the story through his or her eyes. However, remember that no narrator, like no human being, has complete self-knowledge or, for that matter, complete knowledge of anything. Therefore, the reader's role is to go beyond what the narrator says.

I don't think this particular point of view suits your story. I actually think that you should've stayed with a third person's POV, but since this is your story, then write in the way you're most comfortable with. However, I do advice you to not switch from multiple POVs to another as it may confuse your readers, especially when including a secondary character's POV, or even tertiary ones. 

As for the characters, well, in all honestly, I couldn't assess them that much since their personalities weren't really elaborated. What I do know is that the sibling relationships of th