Calling for Queensabelle

"Unimpeachable Fugitive"

Author: Queensabelle

Main Characters: Jageun (OC) and Luhan

Genre: Drama, Family, Friendship, Romance, Light Angst, Crime, Runaway

Status: Completed; One-shot

Description of Story:
18-year-old Jageun was a simple and an innoccent runaway girl.
Both her parents robbed banks for a living and whenever they succeeded,
they would always escaped from town to town.
Jageun was used to lying on her identity and she don't even remember her real name.
She couldn't make any friends because she don't attend schools like any other kids.
Lu Han was a charming young boy she happens to meet in a park.
What would happened, if he found out about Jageun's true self?

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 5/5

I actually like your story title. It's a bit sophisticated, but what I loved the most was the connection it had with the story's ending. A good title is paramount to grabbing people's attention and, most importantly, making them remember it. On the other hand, a great ending is key to an audience's lasting impression of your story, and it needs to be satisfying. The title is the first thing people experience and the ending obviously is the last thing they see. Having a catchy, unique, easy-to-digest name for your story, and knowing where your story will end are big components that will make your story enjoyable. Then, of course, you have to create all the terrific content in-between!  A brilliant title and a fantastic ending can't save a horrible story, but having a good title and a cool ending in sight is a great start. 

Like what I've said before, your title was very much connected with the other components of the story. It said something about crimes and such indeed from the very word 'fugitive', and I really like it! The title was also really original in my opinion. Through Google, I wasn't able to find any story with the same title as yours, and that was definitely a good thing. In addition to that it was also a good thing that you provided a brief meaning/explanation for your title as well. It was really useful, especially to those who didn't know what they mean. Good job!

 

Graphics: 4/10

I'm not exactly a fan of your poster. It was too simple for my liking, and it didn't really say anything nor proved your title and the entire story itself. To point that out, your description talked about Jageun, the main female character of your story, yet Luhan was displayed in your poster. To put it simply, it was obvious that the story was circled around Jageun, so it should be better if at least Jageun was portrayed, though you can put Luhan, too.

I was actually expecting a semi-dark poster since it involves crime. It would be good as well if the girl would be looking a bit sad since she was alone whilst hiding or running away from justice. Apart from that, all the other elements just looked dull and simple, which again, doesn't really suit the genres of the story.

Do request for a matching background as well if you do decide on replacing your graphics. There are a lot of open and accepting graphic shops out there that may be more than willing to do your graphics for you. Just remember to match the genres to those graphics, and make sure that they say something about your story as they should be justifying the other elements of the story.

 

Description and Foreword: 5.5/10

I'm sorry to say this, but I wasn't a fan of your description either. First of all, your story was a one-shot. You seriously have to cautious on giving out too much information before a reader even sets off and read the actual story. In my very opinion, I highly think that you gave out too much. Remember that it's better to let your readers discover those important information themselves instead of just saying them. You can't be too direct. I was also glad that no character charts were present. I don't think they're necessary for one-shots like yours.

Personally, I like enticing descriptions that doesn't really get direct to the point, yet they were enough to pique up my interest. Description that usually sounds like quotes do the job most of the time. They should've be too long nor too short. Apart from that, descriptions should have least errors as possible. It doesn't necessarily have to be perfect, but perfection is most preferred so as to not turn off your readers. Anyway, here is my revision of your description.

(Revised Version)  
18-year-old Jageun was a simple and innocent, runaway girl.
Her parents robbed banks for a living and whenever they succeeded,
they would always escape from town to town.
Jageun was used to lying for her real identity that she didn't even remember her real name.
She couldn't make any friends because she didn't attend schools like any other kids.
On the other hand, Luhan was a charming young boy whom Jageun happened to meet in a park.
What would happen if he found out about Jageun's true self?

For the first line, I removed the article 'an' from the second adjective in the phrase as it wasn't really needed anymore. For the second line, I removed 'both' as I think that the subject, being her parents, was already understandable. I mean, parents are normally composed of two persons, which are the mother and the father. It was already stated in plural form as well, so I personally think that there was no need for 'both' anymore.

There were also minor revision here and there, as seen above. I have removed and corrected some words, with some concerning prepositions and proper punctuation. I also noticed that the line which introduced Luhan didn't really connect with the entire description. It was like you were still talking about Jageun then all of a sudden, Luhan pops out. I also noticed that your romanization was a bit questionable. You have to be aware of your romanizations, especially since you're not particularly using the language. If you prefer romanizing their names by syllable, then do so. However, you should do that until the end. In conclusion, you have to be consistent even with the simplest things involved.

Apart from that, I could see that both your description and foreword are well-organized. Your main page really looked neat, and I really like reading stories as organized as yours as it do seem like you really made an effort in making your story look good. It's really refreshening, and it gives me a vibe to read your story indeed. Good job!

 

Characterization: 4/10

This part is a bit related with the story's consistency, but yeah. The fast story flow kind of affected the characterization. I wasn't really able to analyze most of the characters since first of all, the story centered around Jageun. Even so, her background information was still lacking. Furthermore, there were a few questionable parts or scenes as well. Below are some of the questionable parts that I told you about before.

I did asked my mom once what's the reason of robbing banks rather than having a real, firm job. She replied, "Dear, both your father and I droped out of high school. Nobody wanted to hire a person without qualification, you see. So rather than sleeping out on the streets, we earn money by robbing banks."

I absolutely understand what you wanted to point out here. However, you still lacked a bit of an elaboration. I mean, did her parents even try to head off to a more rightful way of living? Did they even try to go to the right path? Moreover, what did her mother mean by nobody wanting to hire them without qualifications? How exactly did their parents live before? Did they not graduate nor even study? Things like these are important as well. It's a bit questionable since there are always possibilities for uneducated persons. You should've at least told us that they tried before. By doing so, not only were you enlightening us with your explanation, but you will also be providing us a lesson in life.

Another thing that I would like to ask you was how she didn't have a last name. Did that mean that they have been robbing banks even before Jageun was even born? That was a really long time, to be honest. It's a bit questionable, too, since for me,