"Eosophobia - I. Hazar Addar"

Author: by_poofles, gaja_gaja and pominizz

Main Characters: Kwon Jiyong, Park Chanyeol, Jo Kwangmin, Lee Hayi, Heo Choa

Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, Fantasy/Supernatural, Schoollife

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
The first part of our story will tell the tale of a group of young angels, who are sent down to the human world for they do not fit the societal norms of the Angelic Realm. In the human world, they will encounter all kinds of new people and beings and everything they have been taught about good and bad will be put to the test.

Story Title: 3.5/5

The title is unique and definitely fresh. It also gives of the feel of having something to do with supernatural genre so over all, it’s a nice, catchy name. Good job! However, since the story is just starting, I don’t know how it will relate to the story itself. I do hope that you can relate it to the story as it moves along.

Graphics: 6/10

I’ll be honest; I didn’t like the main poster. From the first look at your description and foreword, the story is about angels; yet in the poster everyone looks like demons. Jiyong looks downright dangerous. I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but if you want to do it this way, I suggest you use a poster with a shadowy overlay. Right now it looks like a horror movie poster because of the plain black background and red letters. 

But the background was light, which really confuses me since it doesn’t go with the poster. Something in black and white might be more suitable. So, bottom line, which ever you do, just make sure that one complements the other. I like the black feathers in the chapter graphics. I suppose it has something to do with the black-haired angels?

Description and Foreword: 6/10

Your description was a very well written piece of text but let me ask you this, would you yourself click on the title to enter the story if you saw it scrolling down?

The text is unrelated to anything and merely describes a house of someone rich who has double-standards and a maid who is doing something and curses in surprise when the things she’s carrying almost falls. Point is, it’s out of context and boring. Your author’s note in the foreword did a better job at selling your story than the description and it should’ve been the other way around. Instead the part of the conversation between Priest Jamin and the cardinal in chapter 1 is more intriguing.

Suggestion:
~ “But Zared, he... he did nothing imminently wrong,” the priest began. “He was simply born with a genetic mutation!”
“You are old and a fool if you truly believe that. You know the possible dangers,” the Cardinal cut him down. “That if we do not operate quickly both your and my reign will be over? That absolutely nothing will be left for our families?” ~
Once the conversation had been concluded, the cogwheels of fate had been set into motion – that of not only their children, but the entire realm.
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“Never again shall I suggest that I am a servant of God, like my peers, for only angels are the real servants of God and a monstrosity like me should know my place.”
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I know that wasn’t the best, but at least it left some questions to be asked. The story has potential plot wise and you write fabulously. It would be too sad if it didn’t have an equally intriguing description. I hope you’re getting what I mean. 
Note: Might I suggest you include your current description as your foreword along with the author’s note? It is too well written to be ignored.

Characterization: 9/10

No complaints what so ever. From the beginning it’s obvious that you don’t shy away from describing the scenes and the character’s emotions in those scenes. For now, in these 2 chapters, your characterization leaves nothing more to be warranted. Also, I’d like to applaud you for practicing the rule ‘Show, don’t tell’ so well. Chanyeol’s fiery personality showed in his flaring up at his brother’s insult in the dinner; Jiyong’s gift of sensing people’s energies showed in his temperament and attitude to others; the Cardinal’s manipulating side showed in his exchange with Priest Jamin and the overall hierarchy was well presented. Kudos!