Calling for wuyifan95

"The Star"

Author: wuyifan95

Main Characters: Kris, EXO, OC, Hyuna, Kai

Genre: Drama, Friendship, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
The revenge of a girl towards his ex-boyfriend who left her in the past to become a star or an idol.

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

The title is really interesting, actually. It's not your typical title which is good. I say that it's interesting because while it's quite unique, I don't find it that eye-catching.

 

Graphics: 5/10

I cried when I saw girl Luhan (I mean Lunia...), like I found it so amusing. Sorry, random inputs from me... Anyway, the graphics are nice. I like the background more than the poster, though. It looks more appealing and it's neater, the main poster looks quite messy. I do like the character arrangement though, and the background.

 

Description and Foreword: 5/10

Okay so the characters part probably doesn't count as part of the description/foreword, but I just had to comment on it.

Original: Kris,EXO,Lunia,Hyuna and more to come.. ;-)
Edit: Kris, EXO, Lunia, Hyuna and more to come... ;-)

Description wise, there were some errors that needed to be fixed.

Original:

This is not the normal teacherxstudent love story that you read on other fanfiction....Its more to revenge,love,friendship,betrayal and scandalous.... *evil laugh
   Kris pursued his dream to be a star with the other members of EXO as he also attempted to be an English teacher at his old school.Kris already has a girlfriend who he loves .They are so happy together until he meets someone on his first day of teaching..Someone that will destroy everything with her untold revenge...

Edit:

   Kris pursued his dream to be a star with the other members of EXO; he also attempted to be an English teacher at his old school. Kris already has a girlfriend who he loves. They are so happy together until he meets someone on his first day of teaching...
   Someone that will destroy everything with her untold revenge...
   This is not the normal 'teacher and student' love story that you read about. It's more about revenge, love, friendship, betrayal and scandalous events...

If you wish to let's say 'engage' with the reader in your description, give them a bit about what the story is about before 'engaging' with them- not the best description, but I suppose you'll understand. That's the reason why I swapped the order around. Also when using ellipses ('...'), there are only three periods. Not two, not four; three.

Now with the characters...
Original: Kris ( Wu Yifan)..
Edit: Kris (Wu Yifan)...

Original: (Haha... She is Luhan's sister, so...Isn't it beautiful? Just up to your imagination how Lunia looks like...How beautiful she is...)
Edit: (Haha... She is Luhan's sister, so... isn't she beautiful? Just up to your imagination how Lunia looks like... how beautiful she is...)

Original: Lunia is a beautiful,kind,bubbly and cheerful girl.
Edit: Lunia is a beautiful, kind, bubbly and cheerful girl.

Also, remember to add a period after every sentence, even if it's just to describe their personalities.
With the foreword, I like how it was part of the story- it made me interested.

Original:

Sohyun and Hyuna are sitting down watching television. The show they are watching states that Exo, a south korean boy group, will take a year long break after the big success of their three albums.

       Sohyun screamed her lungs out as she spotted her bias out of the group of 12 people on the TV screen. Hyuna just ignored Sohyun as she continued texting her one of her friends without glancing at the TV.

      "Hyuna, just look at that round-eyed guy! I really like him! His voice is daebakk! You should listen to their music." Sohyun,who was screaming loudly,exclaimed to her friend. But again,Hyuna ignored her.Sohyun sighed and snatched the phone away from Hyuna and hid it behind her back.

 Hyuna gave Sohyun a death glare and then moved her gaze to the opposite direction. "I know you won't get mad at me.That's why I love you.But now,take a look at my precious bias there!" She still ignored her while Sohyun started talking about the EXO members. Sohyun stopped when she started talking about a certain member.

"Wait..I heard that he is going to be a teacher at our school!!" She said while pointing her fingers towards Kris's direction. "That dragon,angry bird,Kris!Wu Yi Fan!"

However,as soon as she mentioned the name 'Wu Yi Fan', Hyuna turned her head to look at the TV screen. On the screen, it shows Kris talking to the media