Calling for alcyonen

"Subtle Lines"

Author: alcyonen

Main Characters: Dahee (GLAM), Infinite (Myungsoo & Sungyeol-centric), GLAM Zinni

Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Friendship

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Learn how to change and accept,
As it may change the rest of fate's game.
Learn the true allies and enemies,
Because in this dynamic world,
allies and enemies are truly similar.
The true difference was a fine line.

    Critique:

Story Title

To be honest, your story's title did not catch my attention. There is nothing special about it. A title is the first thing that catches a reader's attention and so with a weak title, only few will glance at your work. This section should be catchy, edging, makes you curious and ask yourself, “what does this title mean? How is this title connected to the story?” I did not ask those questions when I read yours. But don't worry! You can come up with alternative titles! Here are the links that can help you.

Seven Tips to Land the Perfect Title for Your Novel

How to Title Your Book

Four Strategies for Creating Titles That Jump Off the Page

 

Graphics

I do apologize for saying this (especially to the person who had created this for you) your poster does not look interesting. Well, at least your main poster. Again, just like your title, your poster did not catch my curiosity.

It does, however, match the theme for your story. The only problem is (aside from it is very dull) your writing style does not match your theme therefore whenever I remember your 'voice' as an author and the 'voice' of your narrators (which are your characters) I cannot feel that, indeed, this dark poster matches your somehow dark story. Putting aside your writing style for awhile (I'll get back to it later on), I suggest to use the other poster. It is more interesting because to be honest, if your title did not interest me, your second poster surely would have. The background is a little bit messy. Again, for the sake of grabbing a reader's attention, use the other BG.

 

Description and Foreword

Learn how to change and accept,

As it may change the rest of fate's game.

Learn the true allies and enemies,

Because in this dynamic world,

allies and enemies are truly similar.

The true difference was a fine line.

 

Correction: (bold=corrected error)

 

Learn how to change and accept

as it may change the rest of the fate's game.

Learn who are the true allies and enemies

because in this dynamic world,

allies and enemies are truly similar.

The true difference is a fine line.

 

Your 'description' for your description should be in your foreword.

The description should provide an information about your story which you have on your foreword.

TL;DR switch them.

 

As I read your foreword, I noticed that you tend to switch from past tense to present tense which could confuse some readers. Is the speaker telling me her current story? Or is the speaker just retelling her story?

If you start your story in past tense, you should stick to it. Decide which tense you will use.

 

I tell you this: Since this is just an insight of your story, you should use present tense. Have you read the back of the fiction books? Most of them are in present tense but when you open the book and flip its pages, the words are in past tense. That is normal since we want to move the insight of the story. Present tense requires a lot of action. Present tense makes you feel that you are currently in the story and not just sitting in a corner, listening to someone speaking (however, a lot of writers have mastered to write in past tense with a lot of actions going on)

 

Present tense=immediacy, suspense and intensity.

Past tense=the common choice for story telling.

 

The insight of your story though, is amazing despite its grammar errors. It gave me this hype that the writing style will stay like this throughout the story. But turnsout...I was wrong. I will explain why later on.

 

I was not pleased with your character chart as they were not my cup of tea. Character charts are unnecessary since we will be introduced to the characters once we click “next”.

The only time you need character chart is when you know you have a lot of characters. Most of the epic novels do this but they never tell their characters' characteristics and abilities. You have spoiled your story a little bit.

This is also where I have begun to be a little bit disappointed with your story.

 

Characterization

The characters did not speak to me while I was reading. It kind of bothers me since this story is in first person POV. When you use first person POV, readers should be in the story and will feel that they are the characters—not just as someone who is reading your story. You tend to use first person omniscient which made me raise my eyebrows. I felt like you were telling me this and that and you were not showing me enough.

None of them are memorable, to be honest.

How to make a character memorable? Give them something unique about themselves. Give them some queers.

Give them more motivations. Make them act as humans. I know. I know. This story has superpowers but that does not mean they should not be acting as humans. Even Superman has human queers.

TL:DR, your characters act as if you are controlling them. Give them freedom. Let them act based on the situation, not as how you want them to react.

I do not want to offend you or anything but your characters are like bipolar to me.

None of them stood to me. They all sounded the same. As I read your story again, I feel like they are all the same. I don't know why. Aside from their abilities, what does separate them from each other?

TL:DR. Your characters are underdeveloped.

What things does your character want in life? These can be long-term goals or present needs, and varying degrees of importance.

Methods. When faced with a problem, how does your character try to solve it? How does he act? What does he do?

Evaluations. How does your character judge things, people, situations, herself? How does she decide whether she is making progress towards her goals, or whether things are getting worse?

 

Plot

I am a huge fan of fantasy stories. I love it when characters have superpowers.

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