"Clandestine: Imbroglio"

Author: Anthealkl

Main Characters: Chan Yeol, Baek Hyun, Jong In & Hye Su (OC)

Genre: Abuse. Action. Angst, Drama, Family, Psychological, Romance

Status: Completed

Description of Story: 
Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the guiltiest of them all?

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 5/5

Your title sounds unique and elegant. It’s good that you’ve used not-so-common words, because it really made your fic look intriguing, when it fact it just means ‘secret: difficult situation’ in common words. So congrats for using deeper words. Plus, I commend how you’ve really explained the title in your fic, in your character’s life difficulties.

 

Appearance: 6/10

a. Poster and Background. 2.5/5

The poster could have been better without the moving animation. It is better in still, so as to maintain the darker mood. I am actually irritated whenever I see it moving. Like grrr, can’t you stay still, title?

Actually, the poster is not my style. It looks like it’s hurriedly done, or done by a beginner. The people are just put there without any style. So put chanyeol here, then kai there, and baekhyun here, and that’s it. The designer needs to practice more. The poster is not artistic enough to smoothly express a dark mood. Plus, what’s the relevance of the forest there?

Chanyeol is depicted with a really bad attitude in your story. So why does he look innocent in the poster? The designer should have chosen an image of him with a fiercer projection. That’s one reason why graphics shops ask authors about their story, the characters etc. So that they can make a good poster that will fit the fic. I can say that your designer haven’t read your story, or maybe he really just needs more practice.

The woman in your poster looks like 4minute’s Gayoon. Maybe your designer should refrain from using ulzzang images who resembles a kpop star. Tell your designer that your character is an OC, so she must not look like some kpop star, or else people might mistake your story as Gayoon’s story. On the poster of a chapter, Hye Su looks like AOA’s Seolhyun. Hyesu’s image is really confusing if I’ll refer to your posters.

Your background is irrelevant. Was there a scene in your story where they went to that place? That’s in Korea, right? Namsan tower where lovers lock some padlocks or whatever. Or had I read too fast that I missed that part? Well, I’m taking it literally. Maybe that image has a metaphoric meaning, like Chanyeol and Hyesu’s love are locked forever or something? The grayscale of the image gives some dark mood that fits your story, but I’m really not convinced with the image.

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 3.5/5

Maybe you can justify your chapters. That won’t be too much effort. Just so that it will look neater.

What were very big spaces between the paragraphs? I think you should lessen those. I know you are trying to make divisions, but don’t overdo it. It’s disturbing for me, and tiring, since I need to exert more effort to scroll down. Just do it the regular way. Don’t exaggerate.

I can see your effort in putting some graphics for your description, but it doesn’t look elegant. What’s the need for putting a rose? And the ‘wall’ word in your description can’t almost be seen. And for the characters’ images, maybe you should just choose black and white images.

Your description section is too spacious for me. You should have just compressed those details so it will look neater. Save space as much as possible. That’s the postmodern styling approach. And help your readers’ fingers. Don’t let them get tired by scrolling harder, especially those readers who are using mobile phones.

 

Description and Foreword: 2/10

‘Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the guiltiest of them all?’

That’s it? I’m not actually enticed. It’s a common question, you have just changed a word. You should have put some more background as to why you ask that question. Put some more information about your story, some more things that will give readers more clue as to what your fic will be about. Give a little sneak peak of your plot.

I know you are trying the ‘less is more’ technique, but you have done it too much. Remember, anything too much is bad. Add some more. Don’t be too tight. It’s okay to have that very short description if your story is also short, but yours is a mini-novel. You should have a longer description.

I don’t really consider that question the description of your story. It doesn’t describe your story. For me, your fic currently has no description.

 

Character Development: 14.5/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 4.5/5

The way you characterize, meaning the way you describe the characters’ appearance, feelings, and actions, is excellent.

This is where I’m really having a hard time. I don’t know what to say about your characters. I mean, their behaviors are somehow hard to understand that I end up choosing silence. I mean, I can’t translate my thoughts about them into words. I’m having a hard time. Their situation is complicated.

Okay. Let’s do this one by one. I’ll just go on the main characters. Hyesu first. Okay. Hyesu is, at first, that typical girl who is loving and hardworking. She was naïve not to listen on Zhoumi’s advice. She was blinded by her love for Chanyeol. If she did not decide to marry Chanyeol, such things would not have happened. Marrying Chanyeol was her first mistake.

Then there comes Chanyeol hurting her. Her second mistake is she endured Chanyeol’s abuse on her. If she had been more courageous, she would not live miserably like that. I must say that she is a weak character. She can’t fight for her own rights. I’m even wondering how she can protect her people at the office when she can’t even protect herself. She must have filed a divorce no matter what. I know it’s hard, but she must do it if she wants to live a happy life.

Now, she had fallen on Jongin’s plan, and they had a child. And her child died because of Chanyeol’s hitting. Then she discovered that Chanyeol was having an affair with Baekhyun. And then, she got angry.

There are two reasons why she is angry. One, her child died. Two, Chanyeol had an affair. She was so angry, to the point that she wanted to see Chanyeol and Baekhyun suffer. But, she realized that she also had her own sins. If she did not have an affair with Jongin, the death of her child would not exist. So what is the reason to get angry at Chanyeol, when it’s actually her fault? She also had an affair, so what is her right to get angry at Chanyeol’s affair? Thinking of those things, she had been too guilty, too guilty of her sins that she had chosen to die. Taking oneself’s life is the greatest form of guilt, so if I were to ask your question, I would answer Hyesu.

She saved Chanyeol because she has a soft heart, she can’t kill another person. Not because she is thinking that living will be a harder punishment for Chanyeol. Duh, how can she even think of that, if she’s already too occupied with her own guilt? Well, that’s if I were her. I wouldn’t think about punishing Chanyeol because it’s not his fault.

Now, moving on. Chanyeol. Chanyeol has an attitude problem. He becomes violent to Hyesu. Now, this is where I have a question. Why is he hurting (physically) only Hyesu? Why not Baekhyun too? Is it because he loves Baekhyun so much that he can’t do it to him? Or did I miss it? Chanyeol’s behavior is difficult to understand. Hyesu is more comprehensible. Why is he varying his attitude towards different people? Plus, I can’t understand his confusi