Calling for starlight_1004

"Too Blind, Too Oblivious"

Author: starlight_1004

Main Characters: Teen Top's Chunji and L. Joe

Genre: Angst,

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Chunji has been in love ever since they met. But it hurts to love someone who will never love him back.
Ljoe thought that he loves Niel but... Is he sure? 

 

 

Disclaimer: I did this review in two hours without proof-reading, so please excuse me if you spot a lot of grammatical and typographical errors, which is seriously embarrassing for a reviewer myself. T_T Anyway, sorry for the long wait. Here goes~ Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

"Too Blind, Too Oblivious" -> I like it actually. It actually reflects the story as a whole, but it mostly reflected Chunji and L. Joe's characters since they were both too blind and oblivious to each other's feelings. How they were both too dense in the story kind of bother me as well to be honest, but setting that aside for later, your story title was fine! Originality-wise, well, stories with the same formatting like "Too Fast, Too Soon" are already present. Either way, Google told me that your story was the only one with that title, so good job. It was enticing enough as well and even I would read a story with a title like yours. It makes me curious.

On the other hand, the only problem that I had was the fact that it didn't sound too dramatic and angsty in relation to the angst moments in the story. I mean, the description itself conveyed dramas itself, so I think that the title didn't really reflect that one. At some point though, I think it does, but anyway, it sounds a bif of fluff at the same time.

 

Description and Foreword: 6.5/10

First and foremost, I am very much glad that you changed your description (I think?). The description that you stated in the form was too nerve-wracking and redundant. There were too much Chunji, L.Joe and Niel going on, and it was too long. Anyway, the description you have now is seriously better than before. It's shorter and slightly intriguing. I have a few issues though.

For starters, you have to correct the grammatical errors present. As much as possible, you have to make your description as flawless as possible in order to make your readers think that the story itself is flawless as well. It's like making a great first impression to your readers.

Anyway, here is my corrected version:

(Original Version) Chunji has been in love ever since they met. But it hurts to love someone who will never love him back. Ljoe thought that he loves Niel but... Is he sure? 

(Corrected Version) Chunji had been in love ever since he met him, but the fact that he loved someone who didn't love him back pained him. L. Joe thought that he loved Niel, but was he sure? 

Above is only my suggested version. Actually, it's not a suggestion. I just corrected the errors that I found. First of all, I'm not a fan of starting sentences with coordinating conjunctions. It's not totally improper, but there are times when they sound incorrect. For instance, you can just combine the first two sentences above with a comma instead of starting a new sentence, don't you think? The two sentences shared similar thoughts, too.

Secondly, the third sentence sounded a bit awkward at the end. The ellipsis was unnecessary. It actually acted like a comma, a pause, and placing a comma after a coordinating conjunction is wrong. Commas should always be placed before the conjunction; not after.

Chunji has been in love ever since they met. But it hurts to love someone who will never love him back.

You can actually use this sentence to your advantage, to be completely honest. That 'never' is quite questionable as well. You can't just state that L.Joe will never love Chunji back, when he did in the story. "Or so he thought" usually does the trick for that one. It'll be like Chunji was assuming the Chunji never loved him back, which makes actual sense since the latter actually loved him back; only that the latter only realized when it was too late.

Apart from the grammatical errors, I don't think those sentences blended well with each other. For instance, you talked about Chunji being in love with someone since they met. However, you suddenly stated a quote-like sentence which was a bit connected with the first one. Moreover, the third sentence didn't play well either. You were talking about Chunji when you suddenly included L.Joe and Niel out of the blue. I mean, what the heck? You didn't even state who Chunji has been in love with? Not that you have to state it, but you should at least make sure that your sentences are utterly connected with each other for them to make sense.

I also think that you already gave away too much with that short description of yours. You already gave the love quarrels and such. It was assumable that Chunji was in love with L. Joe, while L. Joe thought that he was in love with Niel. Usually, the third parties should be revealed later, and that is already a twist of the story, by the way. 

In conclusion, I don't think you should state Niel's name whatsoever on your description. I don't think he should be included in the poster either since it would be better if he pops out as a surprise. It will also intrigue your readers as to why Chunji thought that L. Joe will never love him back in the first place. Does my point made sense?

As for the foreword, you also have to correct the grammatical errors.

(Original Version)
Love is something one can never control. 
You never know when you'll fall in love and who it will be. 

The feelings Chunji had was killing him bit by bit. Why does he have to fall in love with someone who will never look at him the way he sees him? Why does he continue to love the man even when his heart has been broken millions of times? 

That's because...
He's too hopelessly in love with Ljoe. And love hurts. 

(Revised Version)
Love was something one can never control. 
One can never know when he falls in love, and who he falls in love with.

The feelings Chunji had was killing him bit by bit. Why did he have to fall in love with someone who never saw him the way he saw him? Why did he continue to love the man even when his heart had been broken millions of times? 

That was because...
He was too hopelessly in love with Ljoe, and love hurt. 

You should change the tenses used for this one. Just like the description, use past tense since from the way I saw it, you were like relaying your readers something that happened in the past. It's also understandable as you relayed your chapters in past tense in the first place. You can change the tenses though, but only when it's necessary. Anyway, I'm not really that proud of my revision, but anyway, you will be the one deciding the changes in the end.

Apart from the grammatical errors and the relevance of your description and foreword, I also think that you should improve the design and formatting of your main page. For instance, why not use a fancier font that what you are using at the moment? You can also align your text in the center. I think it would look better to be honest. 

Try to put a few more pictures as well. I don't recommend a character chart though since that would force you to give out more information than necessary. Maybe you could put a few pictures of Chunji and L.Joe that incorporated the mood of the story. Dramatic pictures with full out emotions would do the trick. I also think that you should put an author's note to encourage readers. It usually is effective to be honest. You don't have to state lines like "Please read my story" and whatnot. That's boring, and that wouldn't really do you any favor. You can just simply state your inspirations. What motivated you to write this story in the first place? Do some of the scenes incorporate true life events? Author's notes that answer questions like that works indeed.

I also think that you should replace your graphics. Don't worry. This critique has nothing to do with this section. Just take this as an added recommendation [?]. Like what I've said before, don't feature Niel whatsoever. Use him as a surprise once he's introduced. Try to do that favor for your future readers. Anyway, do change your graphics if possible. It was too colorful in my utter opinion. From what I've read in your description itself, the story was full of angst and dramas. Maybe you should make your graphics dramatic as well?

 

Characterization: 6/10

The most important story element is the character. Why? Understanding what a character is like helps us relate to them as a real person. It makes us care about what happens to them. It helps create feelings inside us that make the story interesting and emotional. As the author, you have to make your readers feel connected with your characters, as if they were included in the cast. You have to reach out to them, and that usually happens with realistic scenes and such, even with relatable emotions, etc. I think how well an author creates a link between the reader and the author’s characters is an indication of the craftsmanship of the author.

Let's relate those to your story. Like the reader that I am, did I felt connected with your story? Well, to be completely honest, I didn't feel that 'much' connected. There were a few times that I felt connected indeed, but they were countable. As much as possible, you have to keep your readers connected from the very beginning until the end. The angsty scenes helped to be honest, but there were so much going on that I found most of the scenes unrealistic and a bit... childish. Sorry for that term, but yeah. There were scenes that I don't think is suitable for L. Joe and Chunji to act like that when they were already old enough.

Before we go into particulars, I'll provide a few scenes that me confused in the mean time. Further explanation will be stated after each scene.

Chapter 3:

“S-sorry Ljoe. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on you and Niel. I shouldn’t have interrupted the conversation. I would get you and Niel together but then Niel loves CAP hyung so I can’t help you, this is your own battle. Y-you must really love him…Right?” Chunji said as he tried to struggle free of Ljoe’s hold. He somehow felt his eyes get moist when he said the last sentence.

Okay. This was a surprising scene to be honest. I mean, I wasn't expecting Chunji's statement whatsoever. Why did he even ask that in the first place. It was a bit too out of character, and it was too straight-forward. From what I've read throughout your chapters, Chunji was like one who would prefer to bottle up his feelings and hide from the world whenever he feels like hiding. One point that made it more confusing was the fact that there wasn't much introduction that provided us information about Niel loving CAP and L. Joe loving Niel. How could Chunji state that? Did he see the way L. Joe looks at Niel in the first place. I'm positive that Niel doesn't love L. Joe at all.

This brings us to another question. I'm not sure if it was the first or second chapter, but there was a scene where L. Joe defended his feelings by stating that he loved Niel and not Chunji, whereas Chunji walked out after dropping his spoon. That scene is a proof that Niel knew that L. Joe liked him, but at the same time, he was playing cupid for Chunji and L. Joe, right? Are you getting a hunch now? It was too confusing. Why did Niel started acting as the cupid only then? Why were there no scenes pertaining to Niel loving CAP? Why and how? You lack of information.

“N-no! Are you out of your mind?” Chunji shouted at him. “Of course not! I love someone b-but that person is n-not you!” Chunji denied. He wasn’t going to let Ljoe know and sympathise him. He didn’t need anyone’s sympathy.

‘Liar’ a voice in Chunji’s head said. ‘You know you love him, there’s no use in denying’

Hearing Chunji’s answer, Ljoe stood frozen. Deep down somewhere, he was hoping for something else. He was expecting another answer. He was, in fact, disappointed.

Above is another scene from the third chapter. My issue with this scene is the fact that the two characters were too dense that it made me feel like the scene wasn't realistic and relatable. I mean, before this scene, Chunji walked out not before dropping his spoon, his appetite long gone. A person would already assume things out of that reaction. Chunji even slammed his room's door for god's sake! How could L. Joe be so dense like that? It doesn't really make sense. He was way too dense.

Anyway, the fact that L. Joe felt disappointed after hearing Chunji's words was acceptable, but I would've believe his feelings even better if he doubted Chunji's words. This is one of the problems that I noticed with your way of characterization by the way. You were one-sided. There weren't much doubts, when in fact, in reality, there are dozens of possible doubts in a single action.

Do you want to know a trick? This is a very simple trick. All you have to do is imagine what you would've done if you were in L.Joe's place. What would you think, say and do after Chunji says something like that? In relation to his previous actions, that you should, in fact, take into account, what or how would you think? Think about how you would show or hide your feelings after that happens? What choices and actions would you make? Of course, if that happened to you beforehand, it would be better, but it being your first time is better, actually, as long as one can relate to it. It's all in the matter of making things as realistic as possible.

Chapter 9

What he felt for Niel was infatuation. He really really liked the younger. But, what he felt for Chunji was... Love. 

Yes. He liked Niel. 

But he loves Chunji. 

This one contained a few lines from your ninth chapter. Again, I would like to ask why you didn't state why L. Joe liked Niel in the first place. This is one of the things that I never understood with the story. What were the reasons as to why L. Joe liked Niel? Was it his hair, his scent, or what? It would be better if you can compare L. Joe's feelings with Niel and Chunji, too, so that we can understand him completely. In fact, you can provide us some love lessons with this one. How can we, the readers, determine if we like or love someone? This usually works since most readers here are inexperienced, so things like these usually take their interest.

What does characterization do for a story? In a nutshell, it allows us to empathize with the protagonist and secondary characters, and thus feel that what is happening to these people in the story is vicariously happening to us; and it also gives us a sense of resemblance of living reality. An important part of characterization is dialogue, for it is both spoken and inward dialogue that afford us the opportunity to see into the characters' hearts and examine their motivations. In relation to your story, you did use your dialogues to your advantage, indeed. However, the exploration of their feelings should've been focused more since this is a dramatic story in the first place. The readers would b