Calling for ema1392

"Can I Really Love or be Loved?"

Author: ema1392

Main Characters: Hyorin (OC), Yunho, Jaejoong, Kris, TVXQ, JYJ, EXO

Genre: Angst, Drama, Family, Friendship, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Hyorin was a lonely girl after her family died in an accident. All that changed when two guys came to her life in her high school. They became best friends and got to know each other. Somehow she ends up falling for both of her friends but she learned what was really important.

 

DISCLAIMER:
I'm so sorry, but I had to do this review myself as your chosen reviewer is not available at the moment. I tried my very best to make it up to your expectations though. I hope you don't mind. Critique:

Description and Foreword: 5.5/10

Your description was too long. It sounded more like a prologue than a description. A description should contain at least comtain four sentences or so, like a very brief summary of what the story is all about. Normally, it depends on the appeal of the description that the length wouldn't really matter, but yours was too long. For me, a maximum of four or five sentences is most preferable. Anyway, I think it would be better to provide a brief description before that long one since most readers look for short summaries before deciding on whether to read the story or not. Descriptions are usually the deciding point, so you have to do good.

Anyway, here are some of the corrections that I made. I'm not forcing you to change them or whatever. I'm just pointing out the errors that I found. I hope you don't get discouraged and whatnot. Anyway, here they are:

(Original Version)
I have been asking myself for a while now...
Why can't I find someone to love me for who I am?
Am I meant to live in loneliness?
Why has everyone I loved dearly left me alone in this cruel world?
Why can't someone save me from this nightmare?

(Revised Version)
I have been asking these questions to myself for a while now...
Why can't I find someone who will love me for who I am?
Am I meant to live in loneliness?
Why has everyone I loved dearly left me alone in this cruel world?
Why can't someone save me from this nightmare?

I'm not sure with the revised version for the first line, but I did add some words to make it more clear and understandable that she asked those questions below it to herself. I also think that you should just align those questions at the left, yet indented, just like the lines below. It looked more like a poem in that format, to be honest. It's risky though since it may be misunderstood as well, but I think it'd be better with the proposed format. Either way, it's your decision in the end.

For the first question stated, it was weird to use the preposition 'to'. Using that preposition made it seem like she's looking for someone 'to' love her. It didn't sound lovely; rather it sounded like she wants to force somebody to love her, but then again, maybe it's just me. Either way, I suggest to change it just like in my revised revision as some other readers might get the wrong meaning as well. 

(Original Version) I lost my family-Father, mother, older brother and younger sister- at that age.

(Revised Version) I lost my family—my father, mother, older brother and younger sister—at that age.

Hyphens are different from dashes. Basically, the hyphen is the shorter mark that is often used to link two or more words together. It can sometimes be seen at the end of a line to break up a whole word that won’t fit into the space. On the other hand, dashes are longer lines used as punctuation in sentences coming in between words. It can also be used – as here – in pairs. There are two types of dashes; the en-dash and the em-dash. In above's case, I used the em-dash, which should never leave a space between and after the words enclosed. Anyway, don't use hyphens as dashes. Don't capitalize the words inside as well in not necessary.

(Original Version) I live in my parent's house because I had enough bull of my family. They just wanted the money. I had a horrible experience with them since they just wanted the money my parents let me. I wasn't going to let that happen.

(Revised Version) I lived in my parent's house because I had enough bull from my relatives. I had a horrible experience with them since they just wanted the money my parents left me. I wasn't going to let that happen though.

This paragraph was a bit confusing. It was said that she had been living by herself since she was fourteen, yet she lived in her parent's house because she have had enough bull of her family. That was a bit weird since it was stated beforehand that she lost her family at the age of fourteen. The next sentence was confusing for me as well since you didn't really state who wanted the money her parents left her. I removed the second sentence since it was redundant to the proceeding one. I removed the word family because it was too general and replaced it with relatives to point out that they were the ones who wanted the money from her.

(Original Version) After the accident, I didn't have friends. My 'so called friends' bailed on me and started spreading rumors about me. I didn't know why but I guess that always hated me. I don't give a darn. I rather be an outcast. It wasn't until my second year in high school that everything change my life. Two transfer students came to my class and right there and then they wanted to be friends. I didn't want to keep my hopes up since sooner or later, they will bail when they hear the rumors.

(Revised Version) After the accident, I didn't have any friends. My so-called friends bailed on me and started spreading false rumors. I didn't know why but I guess they always hated me. I don't give a darn though; I rather be an outcast. It wasn't until my second year in high school that my life changed. Two transfer students came to my class and right there and then, they wanted to be my friends. I didn't want to keep my hopes up though since sooner or later, they will bail on me once they hear the rumors.

I only corrected a few words and added a few ones for added effect, though you can