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"Start of Their Forever"

Author: signup

Main Characters: Sehun, Luhan, Xiumin

Genre: Abuse, Morbid, Psychological, Romance

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
It was before when he started loving Luhan. It was then when Sehun stole Luhan from him. It was now when he would claim Luhan back.
He would do everything to make Luhan his. He would do everything to start their forever.

    Critique:

Story Title: 3.5/5

The title was a bit simple yet relevant to the story as Xiumin did want to start his and Luhan's forever. I found the title mismatching with the genres of the story though. It sounded more of romance and angst instead of crime, morbid, tragedy, etc. Now, I see this as both a good and a bad thing. On the good side, it would be a preferable surprise to your readers once they realize that the story wasn't completely romantic. On the other hand, it may come out as a bad thing as well since your readers may have wanted to read a romance story yet they'd soon realize that the story was the complete opposite of what they want. In other words, your title was mismatching that possible readers might misunderstand it. 

Other than that, I guess the title was a bit cleared off with the description since the summary was a bit enlightening to say the least, but then again, some pages here on AFF with your story on it wouldn't be able to state that whole summary to clear things off, so I guess you really have to work on making things clear with your readers before they go off reading. Apart from that, I also noticed that the title on your poster wasn't the same title as the one on the story itself. Moreover, I think it would be more appropriate to place an article for the title since it sounds lacking. Maybe "The Start of Their Forever" would do the trick.

 

Graphics: 3/10

I really feel bad for grading this section, especially since you didn't edit it yourself, so forgive me (as well as the designer if he/she ever reads this) if ever I said something offending and whatnot. Like what I've been stating on my previous reviews, I am not a poster reviewers, but I do state my sighting regarding the posters you use in your stories, so here goes.

I actually didn't fancy your poster, especially at first glance. First of all, the canvas size was too big that I had to scroll down to actually view the entire posted. This issue is actually one of the things that I dislike on posters since it's easier for me analyze a poster if I can see it entirely at once. Apart from that, the number one issue that I had was the fact that the posted absolutely did not scream out murder, morbidity, nor tragedy. In my opinion, it looked like a lot of genres mixed all together, and it's actually hard to read how the story is with those mixed up. 

I couldn't understand the background used on the poster. It was a brownish picture of an industry view or whatnot. I don't know how to call it, but backgrounds like that are usually preferred in maybe horror or zombie stories in my opinion, especially with the smoke coming out from one of the factories or something at the back. That brownish background didn't match the colorful outfits that the characters had. The poster was simply messed up, but the main problem was the relevance of the posted with the story itself. It's really important that a reader understands what the story is all about through your poster. I also couldn't understand how Sehun was blurry, Luhan was slightly blurry too, yet Xiumin's wasn't.

As a recommendation, I think you should request for a replacing set of graphics. If you do request, try requesting for a darker poster and background, preferably if it has black as the main color since it would signify that the story is a bit of a dark story and whatnot. I also think that Sehun and Luhan should be solely placed in the poster. Why? Because if Xiumin wasn't on it, your readers wouldn't be able to guess that he was the culprit all along in the first place. That poster was actually the reason why I suspected Xiumin to be the culprit in the first place. I mean, he was not directly mentioned on the first few chapters, yet he was included in the posted, which means that he obviously means something in the story, right? I also remembered his pairing with Luhan (Xiuhan), making things more obvious for me.

Anyway, yup. I think you should request for another round of graphics. There are many graphic shops out there that are, for sure, more than willing to do the job for you. Try to request for a matching background as well. Avoid using the poster as the background too since it doesn't look good.

P.S. I am not forcing you to change anything. I just think that you should, but in the end, the choice will always be yours since this is your story after all. I'm sorry for the low grade.

 

Description and Foreword: 7.5/10

There was nothing wrong with your description. I actually like it. It said something about the true nature of the story, which was a bit of morbid and torture, yet straight-forward. The description sounded a bit redundant as well, so I think you should work a bit on that one, though I like how the first three sentences sounded even though they were redundant.

I think you should work on how your description and foreword looks like instead. To say the least, they look unappealing with the usual font styles used and the lack of techniques in making it look better. You may think that what I'm saying is useless, but it actually helps. I've gone through that before, and when I did made my main page more appealing, the readers began telling me that I did a good job and that the page looks attractive and whatnot. Attractiveness is one point that you have to have since attractiveness is what usually makes a random passerby to look at what you've got (that sounds a bit weird).

Anyway, I think you should put the story's summary (the one with the title, characters, pairing, etc.) on the foreword instead. If you place a warning too, try to make it noticeable as much as possible so that you can really warn your readers before they read. What's the point of putting up a warning if the readers won't be able to read it easily? I know most readers that don't really read the whole page beforehand, so it's better to point it out by making it as noticeable as possible beforehand. Most authors place their warnings in a deep, red color. It's your choice though. 

Either way, do fix your main page and make it as attractive as you can. You can try to align your info. at the center to make'em look better. Try to avoid unnecessary spaces as well as they made the page look dull and messy. You can use dividers if you want, too. Since your story's of morbid, try using borders that has a bit of blood and whatnot to make it more creepy. Try to match it with the overall vibe of the story though.

P.S. I'm just curious. Did you change your description? I noticed that the description you placed on your form was different from the one it had now. Again, I was just curious. There was no harm done. :) I actually like the new one.

 

Characterization: 8.5/10

I seriously think that you did your characters really well. Their personalities were well-portrayed that I could easily understand how they act and whatnot. If you deepened their emotions though, it would've been perfect. For instance, it would've been better if Luhan's emotions whilst he was being tortured were more detailed. I also wanted more description of how he missed/wanted Sehun's existence as he was tortured, something like that.

First and foremost, there's nothing much to compare from their personalities from the start and from the end. The story already started with the conflict, and that affected the analysis of your characters. It was quite hard to determine why Xiumin suddenly became like that since the scenes before the incident happened wasn't indicated. I'm not so sure either if Xiumin had some kind of mental disorder or something that made him like that, but I'm pretty sure that something was up with him. 

Luhan and Sehun were fine though. There's nothing much to their characters/personalities, but that was the thing as well. I didn't necessarily find something against there, like they had no flaws and that they were purely victims of the situation, but I do admire their love for each other, especially with how they wanted to see each other for the last time, particularly Sehun since he was about to be executed. Other than that, I'd say that you characterization was superb.

 

Plot: 36.5/40

The plot was not that original. I'm positive that I've read a story like yours before, but it was still refreshening. There were hilarious and really tough scenes, but they were well-balanced, and I really like'em. I'm not that much of a fan of morbid scenes, though I'm not a hater either, but I do read them though. I just got surprised with the intensity of those scenes, yet they didn't really fail to intrigue me.

On chapter two, I was surprised with the different positions that Luhan and Sehun knew. I mean, I'm not that knowledgeable on the field, which made me really surprised. I have never head of those gangnam style, split style, backbend style and handstand style. It was hilarious though, but it did make me feel a bit awkward, especially with the mini jeans that Sehun gave Luhan, which was really weird to be honest. Either way, I hoped that there were a bit more romantic scenes between Luhan and Sehun that might have strengthened their relationship and whatnot.

Sehun walked towards the door. He opened it and went outside. Before he let go of the doorknob, he made sure that it was locked so no one could enter their room and Luhan would be safe. He then took a few steps, and when he reached his destination, he knocked at the door.

This part came a bit weird for me. I mean, why did Sehun lock the door? It was said that Sehun did it so that Luhan could be safe? However, he could be same from what? Primarily, they were sleeping at the dorms, right? That was kind of stated on the first chapter. Technically speaking, they shouldn't have felt like they were in danger or something. You could've just stated that Sehun didn't want anyone to see Luhan and whatnot. Moreover, he locked the door, so it might be difficult for him to enter the room again if ever, don't you think? Either way, a bit more clearing on that part would've been better.

Sehun’s weight gave him a hard time to lift his body, but he was able to put his body lying on the blood-flooded bed, beside Chen’s overly clobbered corpse.

For this one, you