Calling for CrossGenesis

"Free from Freedom..."

Author: CrossGenesis

Main Characters: EXO's Tao & Kris

Genre: Angst, Drama, Fantasy/Supernatural, 

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
"He's a prisoner in a wall-less prison...
...and he got out only to be imprisoned once again"
....

    Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

The title was fine and simple. It had a bit of a catch though from the similar words of free and freedom. The title was a bit typical though, but it was appealing per se. It was very much connected with the plot as well since it involved imprisonment and such. I also like how the title is slightly related to the description. That's a very good thing since a reader would most likely read the title first, which is why it's important that it's appealing, then maybe views the graphics, and then the description. Apart from that, I think you should remove the ellipsis. It was really unnecessary, and the title would look better without it.

 

Graphics: 3.5/10

I'm not a poster reviewer or anything of that sort. I am also not a designer, so please don't be discouraged with my words. I have to include this section though since you included it in the grading in entirety. Anyway, to be quite frank, I did not fancy the poster at all. First of all, the colors didn't matched each other. The colors of light blue and red mixed together, and it wasn't really a good sight for me. It looked kind of messy that did not match the genre of the story at all, and it looked like it was rushed. Kris and Tao's pictures used were not of high quality as well, making it even less appealing.

Moreover, the posted looked too crowded. I don't think putting all the EXO members in the poster was a good idea. It should've been better if Tao and Kris were solely placed on the poster, emphasizing their pairing. Do keep in mind that the background must be complementary for the poster as well. You wouldn't want mismatching graphics. That wouldn't look good. Anyway, I do advise you to get a new set of graphics, though it's completely your choice. Appealing graphics are important though as it help your story attract more potential readers. It's a sad reality, but we have to adjust to it though.

Anyway, yeah. I advise you to get replacements, though I think you made those graphics, right? I hope I didn't irritate your or whatever, but anyway, you can just create/replace the graphics. Try to emphasize the "Free from Freedom" for your poster, yet at the same time, try to show the romance and angst of the plot. Make it less crowded as well, and try not to put too much eye-catching colors like the red from the previous one. Always remember that you should emphasize what's important rather than those that are not.

Moreover, I like the poster for chapter one. It was really appealing, and the quote on it was really appealing. However, The chapter title was a bit... weird. I think it was meant to be "Your Nightmare" instead of "You Nightmare". Moreover, do prevent yourself from putting ellipsis in any of your titles. 

 

Description and Foreword: 8/10

I honestly like the description. It was short, simple, yet very catchy and appealing. I specifically like how you made it seem like a poem when they weren't. It was too short though. I was looking for more, actually, but that may be a good thing, too. You have to revise them though due by the minor grammatical errors found, and fixing those would make the description look more refreshening. I also think that you should do a simple designing for the main page, like aligning your description and foreword at the center. This is really a mere recommendation, but try to place some author's note as well, like telling your readers what inspired you into making this story and whatnot. There are a few readers, like me, who read those notes since it's really interesting to know why the author made that story in the first place. Anyway, here are a few of my revisions:

(Original Version) "He's a prisoner in a wall-less prison...
...and he got out only to be imprisoned once again"

(Revised Version) "He's a prisoner in a wall-less prison, and he got out only to be imprisoned once again."

I really love this sentence. It was only one sentence, yet it said it all. I mean, the wall-less prison that it talked about was Zitao's home where he wasn't allowed to get out too, while he got out only to be imprisoned once again since Yifan and the other EXO members kind of killed his parents and took him with them. It was a simple yet appealing sentence, but it relayed the main point or the very brief yet complete summary of the story without giving off that much information.

On the other hand, I think it's better if no ellipsis were used. I mean, they weren't necessary to be honest, though it looks good as well and it does create some sort of a suspense feeling, but the pause was kind of distracting. I think a simple comma would do. Moreover, you forgot to end that quote with the proper punctuation, hence the period I placed on the revision. Always remember to end your sentences with the proper punctuations.

(Original Version)
Chains and Shackles are meant to keep people binded tight...
...yet Chains and Shackles are also meant to be unlocked
...To be set free with nothing to look forward to?
Or to be free from freedom with the person who chained you?
...Huang ZiTao also didn't know the answer...
Until he finally decided between the two...

(Revised Version)
Chains and shackles are meant to keep people binded tight,
yet those are also meant to be unlocked.
Would you rather be set free with nothing to look forward to,
or be free from freedom with the person who chained you?
Huang ZiTao also didn't know the answer,
until he finally decided between the two.

I really like these lines that you put in the foreword. It was really appealing for me. I actually think that it would be better if you combine this with the single line that you placed in your description. Anyway, I revised it and made sure that the division of lines were the same. I don't think you should place line spacings for these lines though. It would look better if it was placed in a poem's format since the last couple of lines were rhyming. Try reading it. I also removed the ellipsis placed since they were completely unnecessary. They actually looked out of place there. Like the previous illustration, don't forget to end your sentences with the proper punctuation. 

P.S. It kind of disappointed me to see how Kris chaining him "from freedown" had nothing much to do with the story. I mean, from the description, it looked really intense that it seemed like torture and whatnot for Tao, yet Kris was warm and kind to him, which totally contradicts this lines above. Either way, I can't really say so myself as the plot has yet to progress, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see. 

 

Characterization: 8/10

I've just got to praise you for the detailed-ness of your story. You really conveyed the right information for your characters, and for the plot as well. You were direct with the descriptions, and sometimes indirect, but both did fine, though what I liked that most was how detailed you were in describing their emotions. I wish you could put more thoughts though to determine their motivations and such, making us analyze their personalities better. Nevertheless, I like the detailed-ness, though I believe that you should lessen it up a bit and focus on the scenes more. I felt like you were too immersed in describing the scenes that you forgot to continue on with the story. In fact, it kind of bored me at some point. No one wants to be stuck in a scene where all there was were details, details and details.

The relationship between Zitao and his older brother Zhoumi was amazing. I also like the fact that they're both Chinese idols, yet their names were seemingly matching, making it even easier to identify them as brothers. Heck, they even look alike. On the other hand, his family's secret was still hidden. The reason why his parent made his isolated from the world had not been exposed so far, as well as the reason why Zhoumi left the family before. The secrecy was a bit nerve-wracking as I feel like there's something deep behind it, but the suspense is really thrilling and I like it, though don't keep it in for too long.

As for the other characters, I noticed that you concentrated on Luhan, Lay, Chen, Tao and Kris that you kind of forgot the other members. I remember you saying that issue on your author's note. Actually, you did kind of forget them, and I was looking for them actually, but I can't blame you though. Sometimes, it's better to focus on your main characters, though a lot of characters at once would be too... messy. Furthermore, Sehun didn't get that much scenes. T_T

There were also no distinction between dialogues meant in Korean and in Chinese unless stated after them. Other authors usually bold or italicize those words for better distinction, though that's not necessarily preferred. I recommend it for your chapters though since there were times where they state something in Korean when I thought that it was in Chinese. If you can, try to organize them so that your other readers wouldn't get confused as well, and maybe it's just me in the end. Anyway, all is your choice since this is your story after all.

 

Plot: 35/40

The plot was nice. It was still a bit confusing for me as the pace of the story was way too slow for my liking, but so far, I'm still getting the hang of it. The plot wasn't that original though. I'm pretty much positive that I've read this type of story before, especially with the twelve members of EXO having their own powers. It was kind of nostalgic to read a s