Calling for zielddhy

"Half Of The Moon"

Author: zielddhy

Main Characters: Junsu & Changmin from DBSK

Genre: Angst, Romance

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Junsu was a submissive werewolf in his pack. He was a human once until a pack of rogue werewolves killed his entire family and made him a werewolf. There was nothing more he wanted more than to be dead. Unfortunately fate seemed to have different ideas.

 

R/N: I wasn't supposed to handle your request, but I accidentally did it. OTL
​I'm sorry if I'm not the one you wanted to review your story though. It was my mistake. :'(
~ yeolwho05 Critique:

Story Title: 3.5/5

Your title was simple, yet it had that deep meaning behind it. For me, it talked something about mates, yet at the same time, it was still relevant to the story; mainly because of the word 'moon'. However, it could've been better if that title had a bit of a meaning inside the story as well. For instance, it could've been better if either Changmin or Junsu considered their other half as their half of the moon; or something like that. That's just based on my opinion though. It sounded cheesy, I know, but I think it would be more relevant in that scenario. Other than that, I guess the title's too simple. In modern audiences, memorable story titles are more preferable. The trick is to find a happy balance between the all-too-forgettable and the truly over-the-top. You want to choose something that makes your readers think, "what a fantastic title! Why didn’t I come up with it?" This is the most important rule of titling, probably the only one no writer can afford to break. Often we start off with a promising title in mind for our work—and assume, once we have finished writing, that this title still fits. Unfortunately, the human imagination does not always conform to our expectations, so it’s essential to ask yourself, once your manuscript is complete, whether the original title still matches the story you’ve told.

Other than that, the title was a bit consistent with the story as well in terms of point of view. Both the title and the plot were told in a third person's point of view. It could've created some confusion when you entitled your story with "Half Of My Moon" instead. All in all, it was too simple, yet relevant. It suits the story to be honest, but if you ask me, it wasn't that memorable. My only other concern would be the capitalization though. Remember to capitalize the first word, the verbs, and the other important words in the title. On the other hand, lowercase unimportant words such as articles (a, an, the), conjunctions (words that connect, such as and, or, nor, and the like), and prepositions (of, with, by, and other words that express a relationship between two elements in the sentence). In your case, your title should be "Half of the Moon" instead, with the article 'the' and the preposition 'of' in lowercase.

 

Graphics: 0/0

I will not grade this section since you didn't have a poster nor a background. I do, however, recommend you to request for graphics. You may think that graphics are not that important in a story, but it actually is. You can somehow relate it to books. Will you read a book with a blank cover on it? Would you? The same goes with stories here. Most commonly, readers here tend to read stories with fancy and attractive graphics; mostly with posters. That's a bit asset for your story as well, and it might help set the mood of the story at the same time. Moreover, not only will your readers enjoy the plot, but the ambiance those graphics will provide as well.

 

Description and Foreword: 5/10

First of all, the story's main page was unattractive. I'm so sorry for my bluntness, but it's the truth, at least for me, though. For me, I wouldn't read stories in that format; maybe because I'm choosy or whatever. It's just that it looked a bit unorganized, and it somehow turned me off. First off, remove the 'Werewolf.Verse" placed on the description section and stick with the original and actual description of the story. Moreover, put it in a fancier font. You should mind the appearance of your story because people do look at it. Put a fancier font, and maybe align the paragraph in the center. There were grammatical errors as well. Do correct them, and make sure that your main page is worth looking at. This is one of the steps in marketing your story here on AFF. Just like any other product found in malls and whatnot, you have to make sure that the packaging is attractive that might attract some potential buyers. That's basically the same here. As for those errors I talked about before, I have provided a revised version of it. It's nothing much, but here it is:

(Original Version) Junsu was a submissive werewolf in his pack. He was a human once until a pack of rogue werewolves killed his entire family and made him a werewolf. There was nothing more he wanted more than to be dead. Unfortunately fate seemed to have different ideas.

(Revised Version) Junsu was the submissive werewolf of his pack. He was once a human before until one day, a pack of rogue werewolves killed his entire family and made him a werewolf himself. Starting from that day, he wanted nothing more than death. Unfortunately, fate seemed to have different ideas.

I'm not really proud of my revision. Actually, I added a few more words that I'm not the least proud myself. At the first sentence, I changed the article because saying that you are 'a' submissive werewolf in his pack is quite different from saying that he was 'the' submissive werewolf 'of' his pack. Either way is correct; however, the wrong usage of articles might jumbled up the meaning of your sentence. As for the other sentences, well, I added a few words to set the mood of the description. I also rearranged the construction of the sentence and whatnot.

As for the foreword, I think it would be best if you placed the legend before the summary. Actually, the foreword section should contain the legend, then the author's note, and last is the summary. Actually, the summary's not that important. I'm actually confused as to why you put that since there was no need to. The characters could be put on the characters' section instead. There wasn't anything new from that summary. You basically repeated what has been said beforehand. Do put some tricks in terms of design as well; like putting up some fonts for this and that. 

A little tip though. The legend that you put was quite understandable since your readers might get confused indeed. I mean, this is a fantasy-type story after all. That doesn't mean that you should also introduce the characters. Actually, I think it would've been better if you placed a sneak peek instead—something that would somehow portray Junsu's past, yet at the same time, it doesn't give anything away, especially from the ending itself, so yeah. I think it would be best to remove the characters' introduction in the foreword. It would be best if the readers themselves get to know them in the story itself. In that way, you didn't give anything away as well. A sneak peek might do them both, because by then, the characters provided there would be somehow introduced, and at the same time, you'll be hinting something for your readers as well.

 

Characterization: 9/10

Character is an important element of fiction. Without a central character, there is no story. The goal of the fiction writer is to create characters that are likeable and memorable. But a good story needs more than memorable characters. A good story includes an inciting incident that impacts the main character. It includes a main character who has a goal or desire. It includes a main character who is confronted with some type of conflict. This conflict might exist within the mind of the character or be external. Often, the antagonist is the opposing force in the story. A good story includes a main character who is faced with challenges and obstacles. A successful fiction writer knows how to develop characters by using description, dialogue, action, and more. I think you succeed on this part, to be honest. In actuality, you were very detailed when it came to the characters in the story; especially with their emotions. 

Stories require a main character who experiences conflict, has motivation to change or achieve a purpose, who experiences revelation, who is altered in some way as the story progresses, or who experiences an epiphany by the end of the story. In your case, it was Junsu. Junsu was one of the primary characters in the story, together with Changmin. However, the story/plot was built up around Junsu. He was the typical abused guy in the story; although what he had gone through was a bit hardcore. Actually, you surprised me with the first chapter. I didn't necessarily expected some rated parts; however, I did enjoy it, though not in a erted way. I enjoyed it because through those scenes, it somehow became easier for me to sympathize with his past. I mean, I would've loathed the story if the introductory conflict was that low. Thankfully, his past was worth sympathizing with, and the torture he had experienced was enough to describe his personality. It described him in entirety, and without doubt, I believed that he was indeed weak and sensitive.

Changmin, on the other hand, was the typical rude and cocky character in a typical story. This actually came out a bit too typical for me, but it kind of brought out my interest, still, because the conflict started off with how Changmin had claimed him as his when they first met, yet he backed away in disgust as soon as he knew of Junsu being a submissive. It was understandable though due to Changmin's high rank. His feelings for Junsu came out all of a sudden though, especially when the two of them were stuck in the cabin a few miles from civilization. I just found it odd all of a sudden. I mean, I felt like Changmin should ignore him still, yet he did think that it was time to step up in order to at least patch things up, right? I don't know. I guess I expected a few more silent treatment, but still, it was enjoyable. Other than that, I guess you were pretty balanced on this section. Their personalities were a bit rough around the edges, but they were detailed, and that made me more enticed with the emotions they felt in different situations.

 

Plot: 34.5/40

There were a lot of ups and downs in your story. First of all, it was a good thing that you focused on the significant characters' lives; to which in your case were Junsu and Changmin. A perfect example for this is Junsu himself, whereas you elaborated his past. Specifically, you began the story with Junsu's past; of how his previous abusive pack treated him. It was a good start to be honest, that at least we had a bit of a background regarding Junsu's past instead of starting the story with the scenes proceeding that torture. The plot gave a flow and a purpose to the story as well. It made the story seem more plausible, because the reader feels that events are connected, causally or thematically, and not just random or contrived occurrences. Most of the scenes were relatable as well. Well, maybe not that much relatable in the sense of torture. It's more of what happens to a person with that kind of past. Usually, a person would not move on quickly even with how much effort another person exerts just to help him forget his past.

In chapter one or two, you mentioned something about "his second"