Calling for itsametafour

"The Last Breath"

Author: itsmetafour

Main Characters: OC + Sehun

Genre: Drama

Status: On-going

Description of Story:

Jang Nara, a hallyu idol who is taking a break from her popularity and decided to spend her holiday in a little town. which surprisingly, leads her to an extraordinary boy and confused her with unsettling feelings that she never have.

“It was the last breath I’ve heard from him—and I miss it.”

  Critique:

Story Title: 2/5

Your title was very catchy, and it did match the concept of your story, however, the title was too common. It wasn't unique, although story title's aren't that important to me, I have to say, it's better if stories didn't have the same title. I mean, where's the uniqueness? Try searching your title on Google. A lot of stories with the same title will pop up. For me, it's a bad thing, since readers may think that the story is too overrated, and they'll have a hard time differentiating your story with others.

On the good side, well, it is relevant to the story nonetheless. A title is not always important to me, but there are many times that I've read a story simply because of the title. I think the title needs to be something catchy but also give you an idea of what the book is about. I've read some stories that the title seemed completely unrelated to the story. To me that's just not smart on the part of the author. Many people do look at the titles to guide their choices, if the title isn't related to the story then the reader may be turned off from that author in the future, but you did a great job at this field though. It's just that the title is too common these days, and other readers may not get interested anymore, so for me, it would have been better if you chose a different title; a more unique title that depicits the plot/concept of your story. If you do decide to change your title, aim for the level of intrigue and curiosity a title creates within the readers which will give them a pause to consider reading your story.

 

Graphics: 6/10

I personally like your poster. It was relevant to the story, especially since it portrays the genres of your story which are drama-romance-sliceoflife. It would have been better if the background of the two characters were about the same. This is just my preference though, since Krystal's background is a bit gloomy, while Sehun's is a bit vibrant, but their expressions kind of reflect the background so I think it's a fine? But nonetheless, I like your poster, especially the couple below. It was a complete package of your genres. Good job.

On the bad side, well, I would have given you a higher grade if you had a background complementing your poster. Your poster wouldn't be seen by your readers all the time, but if you have a background, it would add more effects for your story and it would add more color, life, making your story more attractive, I guess. The simple white background seems too dull and boring, right? I guess you could request for a background at the same shop you requested for a poster, or you could request again at another shop, just make sure to credit them and that they allow stories with poster already because most of the graphics shop here don't allow stories with posters from other shops.

 

Description and Foreword: 4/10

A great description helps the reader to build a fully formed picture in their mind’s eye; to understand what your character is going through and how the character sees his or her world.  It creates a sense of the whole scene. In your case, you kind of portrayed the scene by introducing the plot and character which is Jang Nara. Also, your description would have gained more attention if you fixed your grammar and add some more words, but be mindful not to put a lot of information because that'll ruin the whole point of brief description.

Oh, before we start, I would just like to point out the characters you put. "oc + sehun + exo = side characters" Make it formal by putting it as "Jung Nara (OC), Sehun + side characters: EXO." You could use other styles of writing it, but make it formal and aim for a professional looking story.

Let's officially start with your description. First of all, it was confusing. The grammar was a bit dragging, and I can't understand what you're trying to imply with the description. The last line was a bit weird as well. "It was the last breath I've heard from him—and I miss it." I really don't get that line. I know it's just me but, I don't know. Usually, when you say that it's the last breath, one would normally think that he died or somewhat, but that's just what I think.

(Original Version) Jang Nara, a hallyu idol who is taking a break from her popularity and decided to spend her holiday in a little town. which surprisingly, leads her to an extraordinary boy and confused her with unsettling feelings that she never have.
“It was the last breath I’ve heard from him—and I miss it.”

(Revised Version) Jang Nara, a hallyu idol who took a break from popularity, decided to spend her holiday in a little town. This 'break' of hers lead her into meeting an extraordinary boy, who surprisingly gave her these unsettling feelings she never had before.
“It was the last breath I’ve heard from him, and I miss it.”

I'm not quite proud with this one, but I think it sounds better than your current one. I somehow elaborated her "break" by italicizing it. The first sentence is not considered a sentence at all, since you started it with a non-restrictive clause, and ended it without completing the sentence. Non-restrictive clauses (In your case. it started with "who"), do not limit the words they modify. They simply add information that otherwise would not be provided. Non-restrictive clauses are set off by commas because the information they provide is supplementary, not essential to the meaning of the sentence.

Personally, I think you should just remove your character chart, or put a line or two about them, since putting their names and pictures were a bit useless, and they kind of took unnecessary space instead. If you do decide to keep the character chart and maybe add some info about them, put your character chart at the description instead, placing it below the summary, so that the beginning of your foreword starts off with your author's notes. Normally, description is where you put your summary and characters' info, while the foreword is where you put your author's notes, inspirations, why you wrote this story and credits.

My last issue would be the author's notes. Well, there were a lot of grammar mistakes, and even though that part is just the Author's Notes, you still have to be mindful of your grammar since readers read that section as well. Not to offend you or anything, but in reality, some readers really tend to get turned off with "off-grammars." Fix your grammar, specifically the capitalizations in this section, or maybe you could hire a beta-reader to do the job for you. I mean, it wouldn't hurt hiring one, right?

 

Characterization: 6/10