"Everlasting Impressions"

Author: snowflake16

Main Characters: Oh Sehun, Oh Se Ryung (OC), Kim Hana (OC), Huang Zi Tao

Genre: Angst, Drama, Fantasy/Supernatural, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
High school brings all kinds of impressions and with impressions come impressionable people. The Oh siblings are the
perfect pair of DNA. As students they're remarkable, in terms of appearance they are second to none. However, every teenager
had problems of their own and for the Oh siblings, their haunting troubles are both remarkable and second to none.

When Kim Hana looks through the looking glass her steady flow of life turns turbulent. Now, with turbulence on
the horizon, coins are flipped and games are played. The biggest game, being the game of life is brought to the table.
A mysterious new player and a not so mysterious player join the game of everlasting impressions. The condition is set,
winner takes all. Who will be the winner? What will be the prize? And what price will the loser pay?

 

   

Story Title: 4/5

I found the story title fine, to be honest. By the genres stated, I'd say that your title was fitting, as it did sound angsty and dramatic in my perspective. It gives off a certain vibe, too. On the downside of that, I don't think all the genres fit the story title, especially the "supernatural" one. It didn't sound a bit supernatural-y for my liking, so a few readers might get surprised upon reading your story, or upon reading the description, maybe. Other than that, I also found the title common, as I have encountered a few stories with the same or similar title as yours.

 

Appearance: 7.5/10

a. Poster and Background. 3/5

I'll be totally honest with you here, and no offense to the graphic designer, too, but the poster wasn't exactly enticing nor attractive enough to garner attention to "passer-bys," if you get what I mean. Poster should have that "Ooompf!" or "Boom!" effect for readers upon merely glancing at your poster. Authors usually disregard this part, but actually, graphics are really important, as it decreases the dullness of the page as well.

Aside from that, I'd say that the poster was too crowded. I mean, I am taking up my art appreciation class at the moment, despite me being a Business major student (It's weird), but yeah. I learned the proper framing, shading, and such in my class, so I'd simply say that your story was too crowded. It looked as if every corner was occupied as well, like, that golden mask that seemed to be placed three times in the poster. What was the relevance of that, then? The placement of the title would've been better if it was more readable (the 'g' in 'everlasting') and with a better font style, I think it would've looked better.

For a supernatural / romance / angst / drama story as well, the poster just took off with a single color theme, which was gold. To be honest, despite the color gold, the poster still looked dull, somehow. Anyways, I'm not a graphic designer whatsoever, so please excuse my comments. I am just trying to voice out what I perceive though. I hope that's clear and about.

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 4.5/5

I don't have any major issues in this section whatsoever. The font style used for each chapter was consistent and organized as well (except chapter fifteen), including the paragraph spacing and whatnot, though there was a slight irregularity with the spacing on a few chapters, like chapter eleven perhaps. Likewise, I think it would be best to put an additional spacing if you plan on changing the character in focus (by the point of view discussed) just to be clearer. I would be discussing this further on the point of view section. Nevertheless, you put the lay-out and formatting nicely so as not to bore your readers, leaving their eyes engaged. If you'd ask me for just a tiny bit more of a problem though, then maybe it would be the alignment of the paragraphs. Justify them, so that the right side would be aligned properly -- to look more presentable. 

 

Description and Foreword: 9/10

It has been a long time since I last gave a high grade for this section. Seriously, you did a good job at giving me goosebumps just by reading your brief summary. Maybe the only thing that bothered me was the fact that the description was quoted. Is there a reason for that? I mean, I would've understood if someone was stating the description, but it was stated in a third person's point of view, so I didn't really see any point of the quotations. Other than that though, I guess you also have to correct the minor grammatical mistakes that can be found in there, especially with the missing commas and typographical errors. Beware of the sentence structure as well, as it might affect the readability of your sentences. Let's discuss a few things, shall we? Here are a few of my revisions.

(Original Version) As students they're remarkable, and in terms of appearance they are second to none.

(Revised Version) As students, they are remarkable, and in terms of appearance, they are second to none.

Be careful of commas. I had noticed the lack of commas on your chapters as well, and in my perspective, I see this as one of your major weaknesses in the grammar tab.  A very good remedy for this one is to read your sentences out loud. Why so? You'd know when pauses are necessary, meaning that punctuations are needed -- especially commas. It's really useful, you know. Nevertheless, commas help your readers figure out which words go together in a sentence and which parts of your sentences are most important. Using commas incorrectly may confuse the reader, signal ignorance of writing rules, or indicate carelessness, so always be careful.

(Original Version) However, every teenager had problems of their own and for the Oh siblings their haunting troubles are both astonishing and one-of-a-kind.

(Revised Version) However, every teenager has problems of their own, and for the Oh siblings, their haunting troubles are both astonishing and one-of-a-kind.

We have a slight problem with tenses here. "Had" should be "has" instead, since we're not talking about the past present tense here. We're talking about the present, as seen in the other parts of the sentence as well. Truth to be told, even today, teenagers have their own problems, so just stick with present perfect. Also, we have another example of missing commas here. Again, try to read your sentences out loud and determine when and where commas are needed. They're important. Imagine stating a very long sentences in one go without a pause.

(Original Version) Relationships can form in the most atypical of situations.

(Revised Version) Relationships can form in the most atypical situations.

There was no need for a preposition after the adjective "atypical."

(Original Version) The condition is set as winner takes all.

(Revised Version) The condition is set as the winner takes it all.

I felt as if the sentence was lacking. The prize that the winner was supposed to get wasn't really that particular. Well, in the revision, it wasn't that particular either, but at least it pertains to something, and not just "all," if you get what I mean.

Oh, and for the length of your description... Well, it was quite long, to be honest, but it did engage me enough to let you know that it was effective. I guess you should remove a few sentences, perhaps, as it might seem that you are, indeed, telling us too much information from the very start. Other than that though, your description was fine. In fact, I love it, especially the last questions. They definitely perked my interest.

 

Character Development: 11.5/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 5/5

It wasn't a surprise for me that you did well on this part. How engaging you were in describing your characters was well enough to keep them turning the chapters after another, even so, getting them to patiently wait for your next updates. You described them beautifully, not forgetting to mention how they looked, how they thought, how they acted, how they felt, and so on. Their unity of actions have defined the progression through a plot, that somehow produced a series of connected events. The dramas that you had depicted were understandable and realistic enough, especially for Hana's part, either by the scenes being possible in the sense of probability or necessary events. I don't need to emphasize more on this part. You did well in this section, though individually, there might be a slight alteration when it comes to character development. I will discuss this further in the next section.

Here's a bit of a confusion that I had though. This one: "Hana was still wary of Oh Se Ryung, the younger was difficult to deduce." Does this mean that she's older than both Sehun and Se Ryung?

b. Evolution of Characters. 3.5/5

A well-developed character is one that has been thoroughly characterised, with many traits shown in the narrative. The better the audience knows the character, the better the character development. In my perspective, you were very thorough with your characterization, especially with the deep descriptions and whatnot. It was really easy to understand how your characters think and act, and although some of the characters have a few complex personalities, it was still fine. People are complex, and you definitely did your job in making that a point in your story.

Now, let's talk about your characters individually.

Let's start off with one of the main characters, Hana. First off, it was really funny when I read the name since a reader in one of my stories told me that the name "Hana" was too common here on AFF. Truth to be told, I had only realized that upon reading your story. Maybe she was right, but setting that aside, well, Hana's character wasn't particularly developed in the story throughout. She was the typical "Candy" girl in the story, as you've said, like a damsel-in-distress, or Mary-Sue. Her personality was a tad cliche, too, as she was kind, the typical common nerd, though it did susprise me when you told us that her grades were average. That was a bit new, but then again, I got your point. Nevertheless, I rarely read her as the strong type of person in your story, like standing up when she was on the ground -- not literally -- and just basically standing up for herself, so I think it'd be best to develop her character more, since most readers don't want them to stick like that until the end. She's growing up as well; she should be learning a lot of things along the way, especially with a lot of psychological and supernatural things going on.

Let's go off with Hana's counterpart, Oh Sehun himself. Hmm... Well, I can't say that I love his character. I mean, he was incredibly rude, mean, and he acts like a jerk