Calling for cupcakeparadise

"Doldrums"

Author: cupcakeparadise

Main Characters: Choi Danji (OC), Bang Yongguk + the rest of B.A.P and EXO

Genre: Abuse, Morbid, Psychological, , Torture, Tragedy

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Torture; an act of deliberately inflicting severe physical and psychological pain, and possibly, injuries to a person, usually to one who is physically restrained under the torturer's control. Yup. I guess we all know that? But have you ever experienced it?
Resistance; an act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding. The base word 'resist' meaning to be able to take a stand; in other words, to 'withstand'. Sounds easy, right? Well, in some point in our lives, I know that we somehow resisted to something. But the question is... for how long can you resist something as strong as torture?
Surrender; an act of relinquishing a possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion. Someone would always tell you that if you fall behind, run faster. Someone would tell you to never give up, to never surrender, and to rise up against the odds. Someone would tell you that the harder you try, the harder it is to surrender. But that's too easy for them to say. At some point, we will think of surrendering, yes, and that's one of the reasons why most people fall into torture. But the question is... for how long will it take you before you yourself decide to surrender?

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

₪ Catchy and unique title - Doldrums is original, unique, and relevant. However, it didn’t exactly catch my attention the moment I read it.

 

Graphics: 9/10

₪ Poster and Background - The poster, and background look good in combination. Nevertheless, font-wise, I would have gotten creative with the first letter of the paragraphs, or I would have used a fancier, yet still readable, font. The size was perfect to the eye, though.

 

Description and Foreword: 8/10

₪ Correct grammar; must contain only the necessary information - I believe that this description is rather long. The three terms you seem to define and connect with the story, in my opinion, should be given a shorter definition. Now, in connecting the terms with the story, I suggest you try to formulate yourself some questions and then part from there and write about the connections. These golden questions would be: what, who, when, where, why, and a general subject to the text the reader will indulge himself later on. The truth is that it is the description (and graphics) what pulls a reader in once they click on the tittle of the story, and the reader will decide whether to continue reading or not. And, it is preferred to restrain from writing questions in a description because they tend to give away part of the plot (or make the reader think they know what will happen), and that’s just a turn off for readers in general. Reread your description thoroughly before deciding on anything!

 

Characterization: 7.5/10

₪ Well-explained personalities & characteristics of characters - The characters are well defined, though I still have my doubts about some personalities and actions, but I will take it as it is just the beginning of the story. It only has two chapters, so I guess I can’t really be too keen on this specific part of the rubric. However, beware of the realism expected on the characters, I read Jongin saying how he “unconsciously changed for Danji”… it is expected of men portrayed living the lifestyles he seems to live in the story on clichés.

 

Plot: 35.5/40

₪ Unique and interesting plot - I have some theories, but I can’t come to conclusions. Good job, it usually takes only the first two chapters for me to figure the whole story out. On the other hand, some happenings are rather confusing –I mean some character’s actions. I really can’t judge keenly this aspect of the rubric, but I wish I could in the future since it could be very fun and productive to compare your growth alongside the story’s growth to the original scores.

 

Consistency: 4/5

₪ Easy to catch on -  The story has its mystery questions, but it is possible to get on track following “cause and effect”. Still, I don’t see the consistency in updates, honestly. I know we have a life outside of Asianfanfics.com, but you may want to separate a day (or two) in the week to update. I refer to something like, “I will update Mondays and Fridays” and then sticking to it as much as possible. This helps you develop your skills on another level, since the feeling of responsibility and compromise will help you overachieve each time you work on your story.

 

Readers' Response: 5/5

₪ How your readers love your story so far (through comments) - With less than a month of being created and posted it has 17 upvotes, 61 subscribers, and 10 comments. I find the story to be liked and “found interesting”. However, I believe that the readers could be more active.

 

Grammar and writing style: 5.5/10

₪ Must kave minimal mistakes - Below I will pinpoint all of your mistakes and awkward sentences. Don’t find this embarrassing or something along those lines, just think of it as constructive criticism.

Suggestions for description:

Well, in some point in our lives, I know that we somehow resisted to something. ~> Well, at some point in our lives, somehow we have all resisted to something.   Someone would always tell you that if you fall behind, run faster.
~> Someone would tell you to run faster if you ever fall behind.
  But the question is... for how long will it take you before you yourself decide to surrender?
~> But the question is how long will it take for you to decide to surrender?
  "Guilt? Ha! I never even knew what that word really means. All I know is that guilt is to torture itself. It will confine you, torture you, and destroy you as a person. It's a black hole I tell you! It's a thief!"
~> "Guilt? Ha! I have never known what that word means. All I know is that guilt consists in torturing oneself. It will confine, torture, and destroy you as a person. It's a black hole. I tell you, it’s a thief!"

​Suggestions for chapter one:

His face was stoic; his eyebrows twitching as he glared at the girl standing in front of him. 
~> Option 1: His face was stoic with twitching eyebrows as he glared at the girl standing in front of him. 
~> Option 2: His face was stoic, his eyebrows twitched as he glared at the girl standing in front of him. 
  The latter, on the other hand, was wearing a short skirt matched with a black, tight top. She was beautiful indeed, but the heavy make-up that surrounded her face hid her true beauty, but nonetheless, the girl didn’t seem to mind as she really looked comfortable with what she was wearing, as if she was used to wearing those type of chothes.
~> The latter, on the other hand, wore a short skirt matched with a black, tight top. She was truly beautiful, but the heavy make-up that surrounded her face hid her true beauty. Nonetheless, the girl didn’t seem to mind as she really looked comfortable with what she was wearing, as if she was used to wearing those type of clothes.
  The girl named Choi Danji rolled her eyes at the said boy, “Will you calm down? I’m just going out with some of my friends. And what’s the big deal anyways? It’s not like this is the first time I went out like this. Calm your , bro.” She retorted calmly with her usual pokerface; her voice sounded as if she was bored.
~> The girl named Choi Danji rolled her eyes at the man, “would you calm down? I’m just going out with some of my friends. And what’s the big deal anyways? It’s not like this is the first time I went out like this. Calm your , bro.” She calmly retorted with her usual poker face, her tone of voice was monotonous.
  “Don’t you ever bring them up Kim Joonmyeon! Just shut up!” Danji shouted at his face, her cheeks tainted red from the sudden shout. She panted lightly as frustration hit her up. Joonmyeon on the other hand, had that guilty look plastered on his face. He looked down, mumbling a small sorry and flashing her a short apologetic yet pitied look before looking down, not wanting to stare at her angry face anymore. He was indeed scared. Not because she was scary when she was angry. He was rather scared because he reminded her of ‘them’ again, and for sure, she’ll hang out with that peers of her again in clubs and such. He was scared that he wasn’t fulfilling that last wish they asked of him for her.
~> “Don’t you ever bring them up, Kim Joonmyeon! Just shut up!” Danji shouted at his face, her cheeks tainted red from the sudden shout. She panted lightly as frustration heated her up. Joonmyeon, on the other hand, had a guilty look on his face. He looked down, mumbling a small ‘sorry’. Then, he flashed her a short, apologetic, yet pitied look before eyeing downwards, not wanting to stare at her angry face any longer. He was indeed scared. Not because she was scary when she was angry, more exactly, he was scared because he reminded her of them again, and for sure, she would be hanging out with her peers again at clubs and suc